A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been talking to a guy at work for several months. We both have said we like each other and we have so much in common. There is great chemistry. We talked on the phone once for an hour (I called him-he has never called me) and he said that he really enjoyed talking to me. He said to call anytime. I told him to call me anytime too. Last week I emailed him asking to go for coffee. He never answered me. When I saw him at work he said he was really ill over the weekend and couldn't do anything. My feeling is that he could have at least answered me back or called. I told him that we needed to work together and I didn't want to jeopardize that and that I wouldn't call or email him again. He didn't respond to me just got quiet. I've been a little distant only talking to him for work related issues for the last week. I really miss our friendship and really thought we could have had more. I believe my bold move (asking him for coffee) scared him and if he wants to continue our friendship he has my number. Am I right to continue to give him space and do you think he was only flirting with me at work and never wanted the outside of work contact?
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male
reader, pavel38  +, writes (11 September 2007):
Perhaps he appreciates that you've only recently come out of a long-term relationship so doesn't want to rush things ?. If I was you I would respond to his smiles & to an extent his flirting & just let things follow their natural course, you will either restore your friendship but nothing more or in time he will ask you out. When you talk with him don't mention anything about being distant or how you feel, just be your normal self.
As for the fact you have a higher level position at work, that in itself could be affecting his thoughts about whether to take things further. I am the boss of the colleague I mentioned & she has often said to me that she finds it difficult to forget I'm her boss. But the best chance to overcome that is to simply be there as a friend & let fate dictate what happens. Don't push things either by being too distant or telling him how you feel - when I've done this with my colleague it creates a barrier, whereas when we are completely 'normal' together we get on so much better. Hope it works out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): more information for pavel38. the guy has not backed off, I did because I could no longer read him and felt rejected when he did not respond to the coffee email...and i thought i should distance myself because i felt more than he did. he actually is still very flirty and all smiles when he sees me. i just got off a longterm bad relationship and he knows this. however, i think you may be correct in what he wanted out of the relationship, friendship. however i now feel quite embarrassed having put myself out there like that. regardless, i would love to have his friendship back and nothing more. i know i should just go talk to him but i feel like a fool. i do miss talking to him. i am the one who is uncomfortable, like i said. I am also not his boss but i do hold a higher level position than he does and maybe he was just being friendly because of that. i can not read him. this is all new to me as i've said, been in a long term relationship and am struggling with confidence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): I don't think asking him for coffee was at all bold. I think it's normal. But there is a catch.
Well first off I agree with the post below.
But anyways, the thing is that, in my experience, men like to do the pursuing. So I think you should from now on let the man initiate stuff unless you are 100% sure that he likes you and that he is too gaga to say anything.
Like I have done that too. I make a male friend at school or work, and I totally take over and I am like always initiating plans, etc. But usually I just like them as a friend. And I think that they can feel this so they are totally gung ho and never reject me. Because I am not putting them on the spot and they feel totally comfortable with me as a friend. They know I am not going to pull a conversation that they are not ready for. Such as "I like you. What do you think?" No way! They know we are JUST friends with no expectations and we are casually going to have fun with no expectations.
It's different when you actually like a guy and still initiate stuff. When I like a guy I always let him call me first, ask me out first, etc. Because when they suspect that you are starting to develop expectations that they are not ready for, that is when they get scared and bolt.
So next time, don't be aggressive and let him do ALL the work. Phone calls. Everything.
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (9 September 2007):
I think he probably saw you as more than just a work colleague, but only in a friendly sense & perhaps now realises you were interpretating that as romance, hence why he's suddenly gone distant. Although asking him for coffee isn't that bold a move so perhaps there are other issues going on in his life away from work ?.
Personally I wouldn't be too distant towards him, as that can do more harm than good & make the situation harder, so I'd be friendly towards him but in a normal work colleague way & give him time, you may find he apologises for his behaviour & explains, you may not.
I'm in a very similar situation with someone I work with & it's been hard, we've tried talking things through, we're tried being distant, but lately we have just been completely normal around each other & consequently have been getting on well for the first time in ages. Good luck.
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