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writes: Well, as the story goes; people all over the world in different languages, know how it feels to get dumped. Generally it stinks.In my case; there was a lot of fun. No real arguments, and being two very mature people; we are well-schooled, and able to handle most of our disagreements with finesse and diplomacy. So I thought.I started to notice that calls got fewer and fewer. Which was working out fine; because I had a lot of work to get caught up on, and needed some extra "me-time." You have to give a partner space before they ask for it. If they have to ask for it, that means they want to break up with you. The space they're asking for; is really another way of asking for a "head-start" in getting over YOU!He started having a lot of "projects." When he needed help, I was at the top of his list. I willingly and dutifully helped in dozens of his endeavors over the course of months. I counted it as time together. Participating in the things he found interesting, and learning a few new things along the way. I kind of noticed I was being talked to like an employee sometimes; but I dismissed it as being hypersensitive. I'm not too used to taking orders.Then there were moments he barked at me, and came across in a very condescending way. OH OH!!! The honeymoon phase is drawing to an end. I'm the cool and lay-back type. So I attributed his mood swings to being tired and stressed. Happens to all of us.Then I started getting left out of things. He'd tell me when he was on the way to some event. I wasn't invited. Okay, well I guess it's his "me-time." No biggy. I always have things to do and friends to keep me company.We finally do find time to go out together. Then comes the "we have to talk" speech. "He's not looking for anything long-term"...from that point my ears go numb. I see his face, his mouth moving, and his stupid pouty-faced expression. Then after the mumble and garbling of words in an ancient and extinct language, I finally hear: "I guess this is it." So that's how it ended. I remember something about how I deserve better. Nothing else. Why couldn't you tell me I deserved better a week after dating? It has only been ten months. You can't be that much more rotten than you were at the beginning! Okay folks. Where do we go from here? The first thing we want is an explanation of where things went wrong. In this case nothing I did contributed to his decision. So you ask: "why did he breakup with you?"When you haven't done anything and someone breaks up with you; that means they had it planned in advance. When there was no trial prior to the execution, that means it was all premeditated. You've reached your expiration date. So many people wonder why, why, why? It was going so well. We said we loved each other. We never hangup without saying "I love you."You must learn that you don't always have to have a disagreement to breakup. You don't have to be incompatible. No one has to cheat. Some people just like to have your company for whatever reason; and enjoy all the trappings of a full-blown relationship.However; the clock began ticking from the day you both committed to be a monogamous couple. It was classified information, and you were not privy to know when your time was up. Until it's up.If you knew ahead of time, you would never have committed; or things would have gone sour long before your expiration date.These people have egos, they don't like being dumped. They prefer to dump you. Hope you're taking notes.So, as you may guess. I went through the shock period. The world sort of tilted, and you walk around in a surreal trance-like state. Like those commercials where the world whizzes by you at blurring speed; while you alone move in slow-motion. It's like that dream when you fall off a building. It's a slow fall. You feel weightless. The fall doesn't accelerate until you're just a few feet from the pavement; and then you wake up in a sweat. This is my advice to those who just got the news. Let it soak in. You don't have to take it well. In fact, you can hate the bastard if you like. That will come in handy later. Access this emotion when it comes no contact time. You'll want to text a nasty message; calling the dumper every bleep you can think of. You'll send pathetic e-mails; while crying and dribbling into your keyboard. You'll drunk text filthy insults. Tearfully scroll through all your previous text messages and read old e-mails. You'll lay awake at night, watching instant replays of your relationship on the ceiling. Then you'll obsess over the dumper. You'll ruminate over everything that you think is perfect and wonderful about them. You can't stop thinking about him/her. Woe is me. I just loved that man/woman.Let yourself do it. I did all of the above. I knew in the back of my mind that was just plain stupid. It hurts, but I refuse to just surrender. I'm like the child on the playground who won't let you snatch my ball. You could have knocked me over with a feather, when he said: "I guess this is it." What happened to all that fortitude? Someone please change my diaper!I felt like a motorcycle without a rider. I was going at full speed up a hill, and I had no idea what to expect once I reached the top. Will I fly over the top out of control and crash? Or will I roll downhill to an eventual stop? All without a rider to guide me to a safe landing. The rider just flew off in mid-air.He left me to crash and burn. Then I realized. I needed to regain control; before I went over the top. Just fall side-ways. That would at least give me a moment to make a plan. It's better to land on your side; then nose-dive into the pavement.I've read dozens of books about relationships, breakups, and grieving; because I like helping people. I had a successful long-term relationship with a partner for over 20 years. It ended, because of cancer. I maintained my independence and lived single for seven years afterward. Enjoying life. I know how to survive. I have resilience. I talk to the elders and learn things. I listen to people talk about their experiences, and place that information deep in my memory-banks. I carefully file it away, just in-case that same experience comes my way. Did it pay off??? Yes and deedy. I just didn't access my files right away. I couldn't remember my pass-word. So there was a bit of a delay. I had some suffering to do. Allow yourself to grieve. It is a legitimate loss.That sense of hopelessness we have at the end of a relationship drains you of so much energy. It seems you're just moments from actual death. Like your heart stops beating. Never ever let your mind take you to the brink. It's a lie. Breakups aren't lethal.They are debilitating, toxic, and exhausting. They make you wish you were dead. You really don't want to die. You just don't want to feel. But you must feel. I had to know that I was still alive. I had to know I could still draw air into my lungs. I fought with all my might. I just couldn't always find the strength. I fought tears. Then the dam broke. I felt less than a man. So vulnerable, weak, and emotionally fragile. Depressed.The no contact period was/is hell. I wanted to tell that sucker off and take back every "I love you" I ever uttered. I wanted to see aliens comedown and shoot him with a laser beam; leaving nothing but his clean white bones.You have to get past that stage. I'm three months after the relationship. At that stage you still miss and despise a person at the same time. Although feelings are raw, I have them. I can feel. I can see, and eat, and walk, and play. I can do everything I did with a partner, only better. I am beginning to remember what single feels like. It's not as sad and lonely as I tried to tell myself. I've been to New York City and partied with my friends. I've had long talks and laughed with my family members. I use my knowledge and experience to help others. I sometimes forget that I'm in grief. It taps me on the shoulder, with a big fat Cheshire Cat grin. Just to remind me, I still have a long way to go to get to full recovery. So be it. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride.I love dark chocolate. I forced myself to continue going to the gym. After week of nothing but fruit, vegetables, fish, and chicken to stay healthy. I reward myself with rich dark chocolate. The kind with bits of berry's or fruit inside. They ease your guilt by telling you it has antioxidants. Watch the calories, carbs, and sugar. Heart-break heals easier than a heart-attack.The endorphins are unbelievable. Top it off with a good book or a good comedy flick. Laughter has gotten me to such a better place. I have an outrageous sense of humor. I hate to leave a party; without getting at least one belly-laugh out of a friend.That makes me feel good.Results may vary when it comes to surviving. It depends on how high up on a pedestal you placed your significant other. Never place anyone on a pedestal. Keep them at eye-level. No one is the center of your universe. You can live without them. Even better without them. It's not that you're not good enough. They were the wrong choice for you. It felt right, but it didn't work. That is because it wasn't right. We sometimes lie to ourselves. We ignore all the signs that it isn't working. We want love so bad, we'll sacrifice true love for a facsimile. Fake love is better than nothing, we think.They dumped you; but they did you a favor. They set you free. They gave you back your life. They gave you a chance to change, grow, improve, and find someone even better than they are. I have my ups and downs. I feel good some days, and sad or lonely on others. The key-word is "feel." I'm alive, I'm not dead. My skin is warm, my heart beats; although it is broken.Don't allow a breakup to eat away at the fiber of your soul. It is meant to be painful. If you didn't know pain, you wouldn't feel empathy. You would hurt others without a sense of remorse. There are narcissistic people who have no feelings and do this very easily. I wouldn't want to be one of those people. They are destructive people. I want to appreciate the ability to heal; and to rise up from the ashes. I like having the knowledge that I am a strong person. I will not allow the breakup to take anything away from me. Instead, I will walk away with a better sense of survival. One more layer to my armor.I will know what past mistakes I've made. I know that no oneelse is responsible for bringing me happiness. I'm not a slave to my heart. My mind can function around the errors made with my heart.I'm a survivor. I am being prepared to meet someone I deserve, and who deserves me. There is always a reward for keeping up the hope. I'm willing to wait. I know it's worth it.You will only lose, if you give up.
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female
reader, Heartlove  +, writes (23 February 2018):
Great post ... wise words
TY
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous reader, I don't learn by doing stupid things. I learn from experience, and grow wiser with age. I don't look for rainbows at the end of anything but rain. Hopefully, I can help others suffering from a loss to see light at the end of the tunnel. You seemed to have missed the point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): I am happy to hear you are a survivor. Keep it up! It is beautiful when you are trying to be positive at the end of the storm, though there is no rainbow, I just hope that your experience have made you wiser person. Now go, and do more stupid choices, and learn from them.
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reader, Abella +, writes (12 July 2013):
 Hi Wise Owl
I agree completely re your comments on invitations from the ex.
So often I think it's a combination of guilt and selfishness that an ex will just turn up and give their ex false hope.
Resist on every count.
If a partner is self absorbed enough to break up in a way that demonstrates how inconsiderate they really are then it's doubly important to meet them with bored indifference if they arrive one day expecting to restart things.
Always, when I've heard of an ex arriving like this, the ex behaves as if they will be welcomed with grateful arms by the dumpee. Don't do it dumpees.
The dumper still has delusions that they dumpee 'will not survive without the dumper'.
Yet the dumpee must focus on growing and learning and learn to resist the dumper. Just as you have done WiseOwl.
Because a second breakup from a former dumper is doubly distressing.
So better to not to renew a relationship with a dumper because such dumpers will dump the dumpee again.
Just react with disinterest.
Dumpers really really hate disnterest.
I believe HOW a person dumps another says a lot about their character.
I believe selfish dumpers have an inflated sense of Entitlement.
Such selfish dumpers appear to believe is their due to sweep through life taking, not giving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Arbella.
Readers must know that getting over someone is the painful part. However; they shouldn't forget this is also a new beginning. Life comes in phases, and we learn something new everyday. I learned that I can reach inside and find strength even when the situation seems hopeless.
I sought comfort where I could find it. My family, all of whom care so much for me. My friends keep me laughing and drag me out of the house when they miss my sorry butt. I go to a wonderful church full of nice folks. We have several pastors who come from around the world. It is a welcoming church; which has an international congregation, and it welcomes gay people. I meditate in my garden and look up at the sky and feel glad to be alive.
I sometimes feel sad. My chest gets heavy; because I did love the one that dumped me. He has contacted me and given me an invitation. I caution people, early in recovery from a breakup, against invitations from the dumper. It's a setup. It is meant to keep your grief active, and it reopens healing wounds. So decline until you feel it will have little to no effect on getting over him/her.
They miss you, it doesn't mean they want you back. Got it?
They are suffering from arrested recovery, they dumped you.
So they have to ease the guilt. It's an emotional trap.
My emotional instincts tell me to bow out with grace. Let them know it was a kind offer, but also let them know you have your power back. You love them and can still say no.
I appreciate that I was able to inspire anyone. I also draw strength from helping others. My mother always said, "when you find joy, stash a little. Think back on good times to heal you in the bad times." That's the way you do it.
Breakups are a test of life. They mean you have ended a relationship that didn't work. It means they were wrong for you, and you were wrong for your ex. There should have been lessons learned, if you are smart. If you are weak, you will only focus on the sorrow and the loss. If you are a survivor, you'll look for ways to continue on.
Thank you so much for expressing your appreciation of my article.
I think people forget how powerful we really are; when we are determined to survive.
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reader, Abella +, writes (12 July 2013):
What a comprehensive substantial article. You have written a truly inspiring article, the kind of article that has made DearCupid such a success with readers all over the World.
I am most impressed and will be recommending this article to others.
Feeling miserable about being dumped by someone? Turn it around and recognize what a favor they did you.
Be thankful you did not waste 20 years with a guy who barks out orders to you as if you were an employee and disrespectfully fails to ensure that you are invited too, to events where he accepts invitations (we all know most invitations say 'and partner' or 'and friend' etc)
He was incapable of comprehending all the depth and character within you. Otherwise he would still be with you.
So let him find Mr Second-best as your replacement.
He's passed up his opportunity to have a relationship with an intelligent, insightful and considerate man.
I hope you find a new partner who is more open and loving and remains honest about his feelings and his intentions at all times and as insightful and considerate as you.
Regards
Abella .
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your appreciation. The pain will linger. You'll continue to miss him. He was once a regular part of your life.
I've learned that sometimes the mind and heart go into battle.
You feel so strongly for a person that you want to just throw away your dignity and ignore what is right, and plead...just plead for another chance. That is the heart taking over. It only wants to feel love.
The mind puts common-sense into over-drive. It tells you; accept what is true. Don't fight, if you know there is nothing to win.
Why continue to profess your love; when they say they wish to go? You will only hurt.
The pain of loss might revisit you for the same person years from now. Not as intense; just a dull tug at your heartstrings. Some poor folks never get over the breakup.
They need someone else to make them feel whole. Not me. I was whole entering the relationship, and I'm whole now.
You have to continue to feel. Don't give anyone the power to take away what makes you happy, loveable, and human.
Don't let them rob you of your strength to heal; or capacity to love another.
Bad days are hell, but you'll appreciate the good ones all the more. I know I do.
Feelings are designed to change with time. Use that to your advantage after a breakup. It promotes faster healing.
I'm glad you liked my piece. Continue the fight to reclaim yourself.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 Thank you for sharing. It was very healing to read this, because you hit on so many things that I identify with. I am also working through the pain of a break-up. It has been about 9 months, but the pain hits me hard every once in a while. You are right about feeling. Most days are good. Some days are hell.
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