A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've made a huge mistake. I'm in a long distance relationship, haven't seen my bf for a few months now though we talk on the phone quite a lot. Last night I got very drunk and had a one night stand with some guy I met in a club. I didn't actually like him anyway and I have absolutely no idea why I did it. I don't really remember anything about it either, and I certainly didn't enjoy it.Now I feel sick with guilt. I don't know what to do or why I acted like this, other than the drink. I know I am very lonely at the moment and I have a habit of being self destructive sometimes. I feel like I am falling apart in other areas of my life too and now this. My bf is really the best guy I could imagine being with. I love him so much and I hate myself for doing this. I really thought we could have a future together but now I think perhaps I should just break up with him and let him find someone who deserves him. I have always thought he could do better than me and this just proves it doesn't it?Should I break up with him and not tell him about this (I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have to)? Or just tell him what I did? Or not tell him anything and just learn to live with it? I'm so scared of losing him, all I can think is why, why, why did I do this? I plan on getting therapy when I get home, to sort out the issues I have with myself. I never wanna make this kind of mistake again.
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male
reader, rproctor +, writes (28 April 2008):
I would tell him. Not only that, if he decides to stay with you, I would leave him... Why? Because you are unstable, and if you cheated on him once, what is to say you would not do it again? How many times are you willing to destroy this mans integrity for your own selfish pleasures? Cheating on someone you say you love and care for is disgusting, despicable, and wrong...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who replied, I appreciate it.
Of course lying is a bad thing in a relationship, but honestly, if the situation was reversed (and for all I know, it might be) and he had done this and felt like this after, I wouldn't wanna know. It would raise all these questions and insecurities when in fact it was just an awful mistake.
But then, I know I can't decide for him. I don't know if he would forgive me or if he would never wanna see me again.
We are going to be back together in the same country in a few weeks, so the long distance thing will be over.
I just can't bear to call him up and tell him something like this over the phone, and not be there to make sure he is ok and if he really understands me. It's so hard when there is distance between you, all these doubts run through your mind.
I still don't know what to do, I'm still shocked at myself. I have to decide soon as we will probably speak in the next day or so.
PS I wanna get therapy for other reasons, of which I think this may be a part.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 Susan seems to give good advice except for one tiny problem, if for some reason he ever does find out, you will not just have cheated on him, you will have lied to him.
That is far worse. You did a stupid thing and by lying about it you might get away with it, but a mistake can be forgiven, a lie... well ask yourselve, what would you do if the situation was reversed?
Lying is never a good thing in a relationship. Part is that it becomes easier every time to just lie about something until the whole relationship is nothing but lies.
You make the mistake, own up to it and face the consequences.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 If your relationship with your boyfriend was good, solid and possibly permanent before this happened, then you won't be doing him or yourself any favours by telling him about it.
It sounds awful to be so "dishonest" about something like this, but if there's no chance of him ever finding out unless you tell him, then don't. Forget it. Push it out of your mind. It never happened. It's never going to happen again, is it?
Why throw away the possibility of lifelong happiness for both of you for the sake of one stupid mistake? THAT is far more important, in this case, than being "honest" about it. There's more to honesty than words. Honesty, real honesty, is doing what will ultimately be best for those around you, and telling him about it most certainly would not be.
Having made that mistake, you should now know in your own mind whether it could ever happen again. If the answer is that it never will, then put it aside as a non-event - like a dream. You wouldn't tell him about your dreams if they involved someone other than him sexually, would you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Hey there is no need for a councelor you made a mistake and now just own up to it. if he loves you as much as you think he will eventually forgive you if not atleast you know now.Life is all about the now so don't let a little thing like a small pieace of strange get you down. I can almost garuntee he has either thought about it or done it his self if you are in a long distance relation ship.The normal guy 18-32 can only go about 30 day with out the touch of a woman.But an above average guy 18-32 needs it alot so if you have an "it" guy hunny you just got laid for a good reason.It is a proven fact the more popular and attractive a guy is the more likly he will mess around.So breath and open your mind and the true answer will come to you.
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