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male
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*ickp
writes: I am in deep trouble. My wife has come to know about my affair with a married woman. Initially it was for sex but I fell in love with this woman and now I am committed to her too. I cant leave my wife because I love her as well. Both these women are suffering because of me. I dont want to hurt both of them. But I'm not sure what to do. To make matters worse I have kids from both. My wife is not aware of my illegitimate kid. I need advise from you all. Kindly reply.
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affair, fell in love, married woman Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Tell your wife the truth. She has a right to know and has a right to make decisions about her life based on the truth. It is possible to love two people; I know, I've been there. But you need to tell your wife the truth and let her decide to forgive you or not. Either way, you are going to have to pick one woman. You can't have both.
My husband cheated on me and has a 18 month old child. He managed to hide the affair and child from me for nearly two years. I found the truth on my own and it was months before he would confirm it. Just the suspicion alone and trying to piece together the clues was sheer agony for me. It would have been much easier for me to take if he had just told me the truth when it all happened.
There is a certain amount of integrity in coming forward and taking ownership in something like this. You have much to be ashamed of but at least do the right thing for your wife now and come clean. My husband felt an enormous sense of relief when he finally confessed to me. He may still lose me. I haven't yet decided if I want to stay with him. But either way, I will decide my life based on truth. You owe that much to the woman you pledged to be married to and share your life with. I will never believe my husband when he says he loves me. I feel a knife in my back every time he says it.
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 I wish the best of luck, but be careful that it doesnt come back and bite you. If you dont tell her now and she some how finds out later on, you will lose everything. Make sure you feel you are doing the right thing, its one thing repairing the damage now, but for her to learn of this later on would blow everything out of the water, shes more likely to hear it now and deal with on top of the affair, than to recover and then get dealt another blow later on.
Take care x
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male
reader, pickp +, writes (22 June 2006):
pickp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the answers. I have decided to stay with my wife even though my heart goes out to my lover and our love child. I am scared to tell my wife about the child as I'm sure she will leave me. I cant let that happen because I wont be able to face the society and my people if divorce happens. I feel terrible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): Tell your wife the truth. All of it and not in dribs and drabs, you will feel better because the burden of this mess will be lifted. However, It may not be for you to decide what to do. Men always think it's down to them to decide what they want.. but four adults are involved in this and they may all want different things. Your wife may choose to ask you to leave because she can't cope with the infidelity, or may decide to give you another chance. Your lover may want to set up home with you or she may be persuaded by her husband to stay and make a go of their marriage, he may throw her out.You have made this mess but it's not just up to you to decide what you want, tell the truth, watch out for the hurling pain from all parties then vow never to place yourself and those in your care in such a place again
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): I agree with the people who said to come clean.
I think if you tell the truth about everything, you will feel much better.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (21 June 2006):
 My friend, I wont judge you at all but you said something that bothered me. You said you love BOTH these women. Now let me get this right, if you loved your wife, why were you seeking sex from another MARRIED woman? Can you see that NO GO AREA multiplied by NO GO AREA subtract FAITHFULNESS = MAJOR TROUBLE. I am not trying to make a joke of this, but my friend I cannot understand how you can love your wife and have sexual intercourse with another woman. Sure, you have fallen in love with her, thats why I dont believe in casual sex because it soon turns into love and then you get into bother as you have. I agree with Wendyg though, you need to be upfront about absolutely everything. I am notbeing harsh, but your wife needs a better husband and the husband of the woman you are seeing needs a better wife. You need to tel your wife about the other kid, and then you need to decide who you LOVE. You cant love TWO women simultaneously, I am sorry but I dont believe it to be so. Whatever you do, you need to put honesty into practice.
Now despite my outburst, I do really wish you well and I would like to know how things get on. Take care. xXx
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female
reader, camille +, writes (21 June 2006):
 I think it'd be fair to make YOUR decision and then come clean. IF you choose the other woman, perhaps consider whether there's a need to tell your wife about the child at all. IF you choose your wife and tell her everything and she does rejects you, then at least you know that you finally did the right thing by facing the mess you made head on. If you tell your wife the truth now, you may find she'll leave you and so you are with the other woman because of someone else's decision. Of course, there's the other husband to consider, perhaps the other woman is not prepared to leave her man? As there's children on both sides, your decision is going to break up 2 families, unless you decide to take time out, be on your own and be a father but wait to make a decision about your future as a partner when you've tried to be apart from both women. I think that's harder to do but perhaps may bring some peace to the fallout.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (21 June 2006):
 Hi there,I totally agree with Wendyg above, you have to come clean - the worst turnout is that you are going to end up alone, without either of these women, but you will still have an entitlement to see your kids.Of course, whether they will want to see you is another matter, but you have already made that bed - no pun intended!!Should this be the case, you will still be able to move on with your life, hard though it may be, but PLEASE learn from your mistakes and think before you act in future, then at least some good can come from it. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, and believe me it is no picnic, but I have recovered. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say.. but the sooner you come clean, the more time you will all have to adjust to the situation.Good luck to all of you..
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (21 June 2006):
Er big of a pickle this one then! SO your fingers got burnt! Hmm and you want advice on what to do... well under normal circumstances it would be to stay with your wife if she wants you to.. but you say you have another child with this other women.. that makes things even messier! Not an easy situation, but first you have to be honest with both women, totally honest, its too late for worrying about hurting them, that parts already done when your wife found out about the affair. Whats worse is you say she is also married this other woman ? What does her husband say about this child, is he aware its somebody else's ? YOu have to tell your wife about the other child and let her decide if she still wants to be with you.. this has to be her choice.. she will be hurt but she has to know all the details, its better to know now while everything else has come out rather than repairing this bit for it all to come out later on! Then you can decide on the next step when you know how your wife is feeling. This other woman has a husband, she also needs to decide what to tell her husband. You are not going to avoid not hurting both of them its a mess and you know it, you cant have both women you know that too. You have two options... Divorce your wife and get your lover to divorce her husband .. or stay with your wife and end the affair. Simple eh? But the best way to avoid so much destuction is to simply end the affair, yep i know its hard, but you cant have both!! As far as the other child with your lover goes, you can continue to see him or her, and you will have rights, but you will have to pay your way, whichever way you proceed its not going to be easy, but you know you CANNOT continue to see both women. But you have to be upfront and tell them both everything!
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