A
female
age
41-50,
*iteflyer221
writes:Although I love my husband dearly and he is the best father to our two children, he doesn't satisfy me sexually. My biggest fantasy was to have sex with many different men. Finally I brought up the idea of bringing in a partner. I even said he could pick the men or we could start with women if that would make him feel more comfortable. He said absolutely not. After a particularly bad session where I didn't come once, I decided to bring it up again. Cooked him a special dinner, bought sexy lingerie, gave him a full-body massage, the works. When I suggested it to him, he got very angry and we started arguing. He said, "No. End of discussion."I thought this was very dictatorial. So I complained to my best friend. She sympathized with me and said my husband needed to be more understanding. I was glad for her support, so when my husband left for two weeks on a business trip (absolutely miserable since I was stuck with the kids and lonely all the time), I hired a babysitter and called her up. We went drinking and dancing and I even made out with a guy. Finally, thoroughly intoxicated, my friend suggested we go to her "special" friends. I vaguely knew what was up, but with alcohol my judgment wasn't so good.When we got there, a swinger party was under way. She asked me if I wanted out, and I said, "Hell no!" The vibe was really relaxed and the people was so much fun. I had sex with 20 different men that night, and I had an orgasm with every single one. It was absolutely fantastic, and I have no regrets. Before you ask, yes, I used protection.Since then I have seen other men on a strictly casual basis. It has really reduced the tension in our marriage. I never planned to tell my husband, because I didn't want to hurt him. Honestly, he is as bad as ever in the sack, but I don't care because now I've made my own accommodation.Here is the problem. My friend has now asked if she could have a threesome with me and my husband. She's curious what he's like. I said no. I don't think my husband would agree, based on past experience. I also think there's a big difference in emotional involvement. While I wouldn't mind if he had sex with anonymous women, the idea that he was sleeping with my close friend (someone we regularly see socially) would infuriate me. That sounds like a double standard, but I think it's very different. When I explained this to her, she threatened to tell my husband about the swinging. I told her to let me think about it, but didn't say anything to my husband. How do I get out of this train wreck?
View related questions:
best friend, orgasm, swinging, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Rucca +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I think your "friend" is a bitch & not much of a friend to begin with to lead you there.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 June 2009):
 "Any advice on a long-term strategy would be helpful," ha,ha good luck with that. Maybe if you bring this up at the next PTA meeting you might get some good strategy ideas. Moms can be so resourceful. What a troll...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Hi honey, I'm the one who said get a divorce before you ruin your family. All the people here have special problems of their own, but while browsing other posts, they can find problems that they can help and answer.
To be true, If you are here only to find satisfying replies telling that you did nothing wrong, then you are thinking in a wrong way! No one wants to reply you falsely just to make you feel better. It is absolute that: you did WRONG!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): "For all of you judging me, I would just say you have not been in my shoes."
If by this you mean that we don't know what it is like to have a partner who doesn't satisfy you sexually, then you are dead wrong. Lots of people have been in that situation. My first wife and I were both in that situation. Neither one of us was very good at sex and neither one of us satisfied the other sexually. Did we cheat on the other. No, neither one of us did. Yes, we did eventually get a divorce, but that was because of other problems. If you want to screw around with as many men as you can find then get a divorce and screw to your hearts content. If you want to be the town slut then don't put that burden on your husband and children. You are a pathetic example for your children. Can I be any more clear to you. Probably not, as you don't seem to be able to hear anything that anyone tells you unless they agree with you and sympathize with you.
Most people who come on this site are here because they believe they have a problem and need help with their problem. You think that you are perfectly correct and have no problem and just want justification for your behavior. Well, sorry, there is no justification for your behavior.
Apparently you want sympathy for your cause instead of any form of help. I was going to suggest that you go on a swingers site, but from what RCN has said in his research, you aren't likely to get any sympathy there either.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 June 2009):
 He didn't accept his wife cheating. That's his right. Just as you claim to be entitled to the pleasure, he's entitled to the truth. Taking your entitlement, while denying his, is narcissistic to say the least.
So, although you may not appreciate the answers you've received, in your situation they have been truthful. What you seek is abnormal, and not regular behavior in a marriage. To prove this, I've spent a few hours over the last couple of days seeking information from "swingers." What I found by questioning over 30 swingers, both married and single is this.
(1) Swingers can be single. (that was new to me) (2) Married couples take part as a couple to add spice to their sex life. (3) MOST IMPORTANTLY: I asked if their partner was not for the swinging life, if they would still take part without telling their spouse. Every single one said "hell no". One lady said, who's a swinger with her husband, stated, "Keeping this from my husband wouldn't be considered swinging, it'd be considered adultery."
The difference is this. You're seeking pleasure. You're denying your husbands right to know that's what you're doing, therefore it's not okay, and under the definition is considered adultery. So, you're not a swinger, you're a habitual adulteress.
You haven't stated at all about your husband forcing you into these activities. You do the knowingly and willingly, therefore, you are at fault. No one, but you, and that's the truth. No one can take responsibility for your behavior except yourself. No one forces you into having sex, so no one but you can be blamed for doing so. Who do you believe is to be held responsible. I know who pays for your actions, your husband and children do.
Coming clean and taking whatever consequences may follow is far better than living a lying and deceitful life. And the excuse to find pleasure is not accepted when committing adultery. And, as stated, adultery is also what swingers consider your acts to be. If you want to take care of your family, the first action is to behave in accordance to that desire.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): The one who is to be blames is your hubby!
Not because he was cold towards you and not considering your natural desires, Just because he chose a person like you for matrimony!
If you can accept your man to go out and do it with 20 strange women, all of them hot and fully-satisfying, what will you feel? If no bad feeling, so what "marriage" means? Will you expect your kids to be like that?
I think, in order to respect the holy relations inside a family, get a DIVORCE!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): If there is something that really is very important to your loved one that you know that he doesn't want you to do ever because it is so important to him that you don't, and this being one of those things that he expected and assumed from you, a condition of which this is acknowledged by both of you as what the other wanted for marriage, and understood by both to be essential for the marraiage - by breaking this promise you are declining him from HIS ENTITLEMENT.
You KNOW that sexual fidelity was what he expected of you as a condition for marrying you, you KNOW that your sexual involvement with other men is not something that he allowed you to do in exchange for marriage. By deciding to have sex with multiple men you've KNOWINGLY betrayed his trust and and of his HIS ENTITLEMENT that you've promised him in marriage.
So why the double standards? Why is it OK to deny him his entitlement that you KNOWINGLY gave him, while your entitlement for sexual pleasure from other men (which you gave away when you promised to marry him - and you KNOW this - so this imaginary entitlement never existed in the first place) needs to be respected and fulfilled?
Can't you see how illogical your argument is? You're selfishness is now just completely driving you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Kiteflyer221. I am astouded at how you are rationalising your sexual encounters. Darling, you need more help than I originally thought. Yes, keep justifying this mess you have caused. And yes, keep lying, this is what you are actually very good at. But be careful, these lies will one day catch up with you and bite you in the ass.To everyone else, thanks for telling her WHAT she needed to hear even though it was wasted on her.
...............................
A
female
reader, kiteflyer221 +, writes (7 June 2009):
kiteflyer221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor all of you judging me, I would just say you have not been in my shoes. I really only want helpful advice for my problem, not moralizing.
I firmly believe my body is my business. When I agreed to marry my husband, I promised to love and cherish him forever. I do. When I have sex with other men, it isn't about love. It's about the pleasure I get from it, pleasure I'm entitled (YES, ENTITLED) to.
Put it this way. If you enjoy playing tennis, but your spouse isn't really good, should you give it up just because he might be jealous? Doesn't anyone here thinks that's just a teensy bit controlling? Well, you might say that's different and you would tell your husband about tennis. I think preserving peace in my house is important. I invited my husband to participate, he refused, and I don't see why his jealousy should affect an activity I enjoy. I'm not willing to lose my marriage or my children over this.
I am very careful to use protection and get tested regularly. I love my husband, and I would NEVER endanger his health in that way.
For all you haters telling me to be honest with my husband, I WAS HONEST. He CHOSE not to accept my honesty. I am not at fault.
One person here gave great advice. Thank you. I told my friend that my husband is raging mad at her for even bringing up threesomes. I also told my husband that my friend is upset at us for "snubbing" her at our last cocktail party. I will be treating my friend to dinner behind my husband's back and work out a way to gently nudge her off scene. This could work. I will update as the situation progresses.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): "Here is the problem. My friend has now asked if she could have a threesome with me and my husband."
No, that is not the problem. This is the problem:
"I had sex with 20 different men that night, and I had an orgasm with every single one."
"Before you ask, yes, I used protection."
Wow, I'm impressed. That makes everything fine, now doesn't it.
If you had had an affair with one man who you know then I could understand that you are in need of sexual satisfaction that you don't think your husband can give you. That doesn't make an affair right, but at least someone might have some symphathy for you. However, this outlandish behavior makes it impossible for anyone to have any symphathy for the lack of sexual satisfaction with your husband.
Oh, while I am quoting what you have said, let's try this one:
"I've done nothing wrong."
The fact that you believe that tells me that you need some serious psychological help and you and your husband need some serious marriage counseling or sex therapist help. Or perhaps a divorce. I feel sorry for the children in situations like this. It is sad.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): What you did was terribly wrong. But I did not sense any remorse in your writing. And that indicates that you need help. You may be addicted to sex, or may be you are not that good in separating right from wrong. Either way, you need help.
I am going on a limb to take a little approach than others: Don't tell your husband *if* you decide to stop RIGHT NOW and more fooling around. Also, if you go for counselling and help to get some sense back into yourself.
Telling your husband will wreck him, and will scar your children for life. Two wrongs don't make it right. You don't have to destroy his and your kids life just so that you could win an "honesty" contest. But it is all contingent upon STOPING RIGHT NOW! If you have any inclination on keep going down this path, then you should tell him.
Look, having fantasies about more spice in life is normal. I also fantasize about bringing another man into our sex life. You had a fantasy, you tried talking to your husband. That was all normal and fine. He said his peace, and you didn't like it. That was normal too. You guys should have gone for some sex therapy at that time to find out how to spice up your life in a non hurting way. It appears that you got introduced to this life style (swinging) when your judgement was extremely impaired. I wouldn't hold you 100% responsible for that. It would be like driving drunk. They don't hang you for it.
The problem is that you liked it (which is OK, orgasm and intercourse are very physical things), and went back for more and more. That is wrong. You should stop. Go for counselling. Only tell your husband if you don't want to stop. Because it puts her in lot of danger. You never know what a guy may give you in addition to an orgasm.
As far as your friend goes, tell her that you talked to your husband, and he is very furious, and doesn't want to see you again. And then tell your husband that you had a fight with your friend and won't be seeing her again as she was saying mean things about you guys. And then cut the cord socially. But appear all apologetic to your friend. Don't piss her off. Appear as if you were very thrilled at the idea and are let down by your husband's NO cuz you are missing out on some horny fun. etc. You get the idea.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 June 2009):
If you've done nothing wrong, your husband wouldn't be hurt by your behavior. My 15 year old daughter says, "If you're mature enough to cheat with 20 different guys, you have to be mature enough to tell your husband." Adultery is adultery, why you did it is irrelevant.
A marriage is a decision between two people who love each other to bind that love. It's not, let's live together, have kids, you work, and I'll sleep with ? number of other people. I agree with the other poster, if you see this as being okay, you need counseling. Do you love your children? I sure love mine, that's why I live my life as if they are my audience. Do you respect your marriage? Can you see why this behavior describes an absence of that respect? Someone who loves doesn't knowingly take part in behavior that hurts whose they claim to love.
From a man's point of view, if I were married to you and found out this happened. The first thing that comes to mind is, "you really want me to stick my what, where?" Knowing all these other men were touching my wife.......you think it's OK????? I'm sorry, from my view, that'd be kind of like being the last one to drink a soda after it's been passed around and 20 other people back washed into it.
Here it's not about your desire, or sex drive, it's about doing what's right by your husband, the man you're married to. These other men don't matter, your friend doesn't matter, what does is the honesty to your husband. It's about him. You did what you did, it's time to own up to it. Short term or long term that's the answer. But the longer you keep this secret, the greater the chance of it not going well when he finds out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Reading your posting, is disturbing to say the least. I am seeing a woman here who is compulsive about her orgasms and cheap thrills all at the risk of her marriage and family. How sad. Have you ever thought about getting some counseling for 'sexual addiction'? Because the way you are going now, you are engaging in escalating patterns of sexual behavior, despite the possible negative consequences to yourself, your husband, your family ...your marriage. I think you do have a horrific, problem, here. It's your lack of respect for yourself, your husband, your marriage and your children.
And here is that negative consequence, now that you must deal with. Your 'friend' (who btw, is not a friend but a leech) is miffed because you said 'no' to a 3 some involving her, you and your husband. She's threatening to now tell your husband what you both have been up to, while he's off working hard, to hold this family together. In other words, she's emotionally blackmailing you to get her way. So because you view this as a problem, that is saying to me..you've got in deeper than you think and there is a faint hope, you want to keep this family and marriage together. You are just as 100% responsible for what has happened in the destructive path of ruining your marriage and the lives of your children. They stand a big chance of losing their father, when the divorce is handed down. You didn't think of them when you were being boinked by all these guys, did you? Pleasure is self-involved, hun..it has nothing to do with anyone but YOU. How sad. Because in my books, being a Mother and spouse to someone, is other-involved.
You need to 'dump' the friend and rethink your self-involved lifestyle, here. Your crazy, acting out behaviors have got totally out of hand. Marriage isn't easy. We can all tell you that. The sexuality ebbs and flows between a couple over the years. But what keeps them together? Committment, respect and friendship. If you talk to people who have really great marriages and they'll tell you that they can grow closer every day. If you feel something 'sexual' is missing, there's a good chance a pervasive 'sex addiction' is filling your emptiness, your void. Get into marriage counseling and learn about respect, honor and how to be a mature, giving wife and mother. You said you love him but he doesn't satisfy you. Many married folks feel this way. You are a woman who feels entitled to her orgasms by acting out so damned recklessly. Some poor misguided women who are like you, would find a secret lover...not 20 men who use her body like a sperm depository! Maybe it's best not to tell your husband. I don't know if he could handle this news..not many guys could. They'd be phoning their divorce lawyers. But the place to start is stop this behavior, and start commiunicating with your husband, in a more respectful, giving way. Start valuing yourself and him and that will spill out into other aspects of your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): You have done nothing wrong only in your eyes! Your husband did not marry you so that he could share you with other men. It's like entering into a business contract, each side having certain expectations but one of which chooses to not follow certain regulations, this is called an injustice, this party cannot expect the other to stick. It is deceitful and dishonourable. A person doesn't buy a lawnmower only to find that the box contains a chainsaw, the person who spent his money and that he worked hard for has every right to have been given what he fairly paid for.You say that your not selfish, but your not even trying to look at it fairly. You've just justified that you're right by ignoring all logical principles completely! Which is outstanding.If you love him how can disrespect his beliefs as a man and as a human being and do that? You intend to keep him in such a marriage for 'the long term', ie. take away all the years of his life that he could spend with someone who he truly wants to be with and who would respect and be more of a match for him. What would happen when he finds out your activities when he's old? That he was married to a deceitful woman for maybe 10-20 years of his life, realising how a woman had wasted his life and trust for so long, and finding out at an age where no one would want to be with him? It's despicable that you even intend to do such a thing.If you really love him as you say you do would be honest and tell him what happened and give him the right to choose. Maybe you do love him, but you're being selfish and inconsiderate beyond belief.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): babes, you allowed up to 20 men to f*ck you in one single night yet you now dictate the terms of the threesome. why not get to look after the 2 kids while your friend screws your hb senseless. after all this is what you have allowed all these men to do with you. why are you being so selfish. you are a big girl, you can handle the competition. what are you scared of - that you friend would realise just how hot and hard your man can be and she would enjoy it too much. then it means that the problem is actually you in your marriage instead of your hb who you have berated for his apparent lack of skill in the sack? come on whats a little competition from a friend. why must you have all the fun - shouldn't your hb also have some fun with a real woman?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Boy, oh boy you have no respect for your husband whatsoever. 'Men don't seperate love from sex' they rarely ever do, it comes together hand in hand for most hence why men value virginity. Don't confuse your ideals of love and sex as a woman with that of a man's. His attitude was not 'dictatorial' but 'normal'. In other words you just gave away his love to 20 different men in one night, literally you just spat on it.
What you should have done was tell him that he didn't satisfy you, you should have been honest to him from the start and suggest ways and work together on your love life. Judging from your post it seems that you just simply put just wanted to live out your fantasies without a single thought of hesitation, going from "He doesn't satisfy me" to "therefore seeking sex elsewhere is the answer".
As I said before, this is huge dishonesty and disrespect to your husband to such a magnitude that it doesn't warrant being hidden. It's almost the same as someone having an axe murderer for a spouse and that it being ok as long as the other doesn't find out so to not get hurt - the other spouse has a right to know.
You have got to tell him the truth and accept the consequences because what you did was terrible to a serious magnitude.
...............................
A
female
reader, kiteflyer221 +, writes (5 June 2009):
kiteflyer221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already decided, for the sake of my marriage, not to hurt my husband by telling him. You may not believe me, but I really do love him. Nor do I think my behavior is selfish. Again you may disagree.I will tell my friend I talked to him, and he said no. I don't expect this will stop her, but if it works for now, I'll do it.Any advice on a long-term strategy would be helpful, bearing in mind I absolutely will not confess since I've done nothing wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (5 June 2009):
 sorry - just saw you have two children.
Don't risk their happiness for the sake of a few orgasms with some strangers. Well, do, if you want to - but as a mother, what is more important to you - sex, or your kids?
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (5 June 2009):
Tell her that you asked him and he refused and got really angry, and that you can't bring it up again.
That's the practical answer. Now the moral one:
If you want to carry on like this - satisfying yr sexual desires out of the home - I won't pass comment on that (obvious comment like that you promised to be only his for the rest of your lives, and you aren't doing that now) - but I will say that you have to be extremely careful that he doesn't find out. I think that it's inevitable he will find out - what kind of 'friend' would threaten to wreck your marriage if you don't bow down to her sexual desires?? - She will tell him at some point, I'm sure. And then your marriage will end.
I feel pretty sorry for him. Very sorry, actually. And I think you need to decide what is more important - sex or your family. Why can't you just masturbate rather than actually living out these fantasies? If you can't, then you should maybe separate from him, because he and your family (I don't know if you have children) are only going to be horribly hurt by this. Sometimes we have to face up to it that we are being too selfish - sorry, but I think you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, nickieausgr  +, writes (5 June 2009):
Well im sorry to say u either married the wrong man or u werent supposed to get married at all. Where are your morals? What would you think about if in this story it wasnt u but your mother? Sex isnt everything, u had ur pick and u married him, u should either get a divorce or stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 June 2009):
 Sorry Sweetie, You really are a piece of work! You need to tell your husband what is going on and let him decide if he is happy sharing you with lots of anonymous men or if he wants a divorce. If you continue with your irresponsible behaviour you are looking at destroying a marriage and a home.
I dont believe that you love your husband dearly, because if you did, you would take into consideration his feelings not just your sexual desires.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 June 2009):
You won't like my answer.....The truth will set you free. I'm being serious. You made a commitment to your husband, which did not include all these other men. You mentioned you don't want to hurt anyone. It's simple, don't do something which might possibly hurt who you claim you love.
You need to allow him his choice. Denying his choosing is worse than the act its self. You made yours, so you need to allow him to choose whether to forgive, or understand, or to move on and not to. He has the right to know who he's married to, and these extra curricular activities his wife is taking part in.
In this situation, you need to put aside your desire and do what's best for your husband, by explaining to him what's been going on and allowing his right to choose.
...............................
|
