A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. To get straight to the point, our sex life has gone way down hill on my part. In the start of the relationship(yes, I know the "newness" may be gone...)we had sex nearly every day. I WANTED to nearly every day. But over the past couple months, it has been a struggle to even get the will to want to. And when it does happen, I don't really want to. I go through the motions and wait until it is over. This of course causes lots of stress for me. I do this because I know it makes him unhappy that our sex life has slowed so much. Let me be clear. He is not one of those guys that pushes me to have sex or tries to make me feel guilty about not wanting to. But I can tell that when I say I'm not in the mood, he is disappointed. No, he doesn't just say it, but I have known him long enough and we have had enough talks about this stuff for me to know it makes him very unhappy. So this makes me feel very guilty. Not only guilty, but I feel as though I'm being "invaded" when we do have sex. I can't say that my sex drive has gone down, because honestly, it has not. But when it comes to him, I don't feel excited about it. I have tried to come up with reasons why.I did have an abortion about 9 months ago. But would my horomone levels still be effecting me this much? I was very depressed during the short time I was pregnant and about three months after. He took very good care of me during those times. We talked about it afterwards and both agreed that it was the right choice for us. It was a sad time in our lives, but we have moved on(I think...)This happened during the college school year and I spent most of it in his dorm room recovering. After that, I found it difficult to go to class. I slept all day and wasn't motivated to do anything. I ended up failing the quarter. I was also cut off from everyone I knew but my boyfriend. I wouldn't say this was a choice, but it just kind of happened as I didn't feel I could trust any of my college friends with my situation. So, several months down the road, we have moved into an appartment together. I'm moved out of parents house for the first time. I have a job I hate and he recently went off for a month long internship on the other side of the state(I'll see him in weekends.)Point is, I'm miserable being stuck here. I can't quit my job because I have to pay my half of the rent. And I can't go home for the same reason. So, I'm stuck.I could also question if it has something to do with amount of porn he watches. I know, it might sound silly and yes I've heard the excuses "every guy does it", "you have no right to tell him not to" and what not. But it truly bothers me, almost to the point that I feel sick. I have talked with him about it, but I know he still watches it because he has told me and I have found it on the computer(at least he's honest, right?) I really could care less about the masturbation. I would be crazy if I told him he couldn't do that. It bothers me that he has to use porn to do that(do all guys need it?) It really bothers me that he is getting sexual pleasure from women that aren't me. It feels like being cheated on and hurts very badly. And so, I find myself wondering when we go to bed at night "has he watched it today?", "does he picture those girls when we're together?" For some reason, I don't even want to touch him when I know he has watched porn. Can someone tell me why that is? Not only that, but I picture him seeing these women as objects. And then I wonder "does he even see me as an equal?" However, I don't think porn is the only thing to blame here if at all. He recently expressed to me that HE feels guilty that I am in this situation. He told me that he thinks he's trapping me. That he manipulates situations so that he can spend more time with me. That he is the reason for my misery and that he isn't healthy for me.Call me crazy for still being in this relationship at all(i love him to death)but everything he said was very true. I do feel trapped and some part of me does blame him. I feel as though I have lost control of everything around me.This whole conversation was spilled out in tears from both of us.He is a great person, but he does over manipulate, plan and map out EVERYTHING. And I honestly feel like I have lost control of my life. He doesn't tell me what to do, but more through his actions and reactions, I more or less become the out come he was looking for. So, I'll try to wrap this up. We have almost no sex life. It makes both of us unhappy for two different reasons. I know that it is not a low sex drive on my part and I'm a positive that there is something deeper at work here. I can't figure out exactly what it is. If you read the rest of the post, I might be guessing in the right direction. But I would love it if someone would give me some input here. Thanks.
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abortion, at work, depressed, in the mood, moved in, moved out, porn, sex drive, sex life, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shnookims  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I don't know if I'm much help here but I'll give you my 2 cents. You have admitted that your unhappy with a lot of aspects of your life and of course this can affect you sex drive to the point that it becomes a problem. Stress might also cause you to not enjoy it because you can't get into the mood. I do think that you are still affected by your abortion, even if it's on a subconscious level. it may have been the right thing to do but it's still a very hard thing. So my advice is that you need to become more assertive. Start telling your boyfriend what you want, communication is key. Figure out what in life is pulling you down and try to fix it. Somethings might be hard but it's essential for you to be happy. I hope I helped a little.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Sweetie! You have a big mess. Is it just him you don't want to have sex with? Like do you find yourself thinking of other hot guys?
It happens as relationships grow. Its what defines a great relationship if you can fight through it. If you can't then maybe its time for him to go.
Counseling is also a possibility. Not couples counseling but personal for your abortion and his porn watching! It may help.
Or maybe find some fantasies that you have and have him live then out for you and see if that works.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): ok well yeah, trust me he thinks of you when you snuggle with him, and those women MIGHT LOOK GOOD, but you ARE AMAZING to him, period.
when he watches porn , he's stroking himself not the porn star.
who did he work hard for? who did he take care of? who does he kiss during the day? who is he with? who does he want to be with? all these things are YOU AND YOU ALONE.
you very well could still be depressed however.Communicate with him, keep me posted alright?
Take Care, Francis J.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): hey there, ok i see the pickle your in, yeah he can resist, its possible i did it. No, he is not thinking of them when he is with you, trust me, those women might LOOK good to him but your the person who IS AMAZING to him.so who does he snuggle with at the end of the night? YOU.who does he kiss during the day? YOU.who is he living with? YOU.who is he working so hard so that you guys can live together? YOU.who's hand does he hold? YOURS.the porn really isnt that bad because they ARE NOT satisfying his sexual needs, he is. they're NOT GIVING HIM HEAD or anything, he's just stroking himself. trust me he loves you and really wants to be with you, maybe your still a little depressed? even so i know he'll take good care of you, like he always has, right?Take Care, Francis J.
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