A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for the length of the post, but I just wanted to get in every detail so you could evaluate it as fairly as possible.My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now.Initially, we saw each other maybe 3 or 4 times a week (just a few hours a day). Although I must admit, I can be needy when it comes to relationships (in terms of how much we get to see each other), I was still okay with that. He had other things to do, and I had other obligations as well.As we grew closer, we spent more and more time together. It has gotten to the point where we see each other every day (with the odd missed day here and there).Unfortunately, the clingy side of me which I was trying to subdue at the beginning of the relationship has arisen and taken over. I am used to seeing him everyday, and can be unreasonable sometimes if we dont (although, it depends why).I have always been the most lenient one when it comes to travelling. But honestly, I never minded it. I enjoyed going to his place when he got off work, and would leave with him in the morning.However, as of two months ago, he got a night job. It takes me about an hour one way by public transit to get to his apt, but I did so anyway to see him, just so we could sleep together.Recently, I got a job as a barmaid and quit my other job. I am working nights (mostly), and usually on weekends. Weekends are normally the time we spend most together. We had both decided that he would come to my neck of the woods when he was done partying or jamming with his friends as I closed up, and we would both go home to my place together.Admittedly, because I live in a different borrough, its more expensive for him to come to my place (and we both have financial issues). I have a bus pass that includes his borrough, which I purchased monthly even before I met him.So yes, it is more expensive for him to come here, as he seldom does and does not see a reason to buy a pass. But Ive let it go until now.I always figured if ever our roles were revered, he would be as adamant about seeing me as I was to see him.Last weekend when he was supposed to come, he made an excuse that he was too drunk, tired and hungry, and wanted to go home (he told me this only a couple of hours before I closed). I got so angry ... I wouldve understood if he had TOLD me beforehand so I hadnt kept my hopes up, but he waited until the last minute to tell me, which disappointed me a lot, especially given his excuse.Ive gone hungry before just by lending him money because hes had financial issues (although he doesnt know that I have, until I told him that night. He doesnt always take money from me, btw, he pays for as much of my things as possible, and pays me back whenever he can). I dont mind about the financial aspect of things, but its a bit of a bitch when hes complaining about monetary problems and being hungry when Ive gone hungry just to give him money so he could eat, or take the subway at the beginning of the month because he didnt have enough cash to buy a pass yet.As for being too drunk, thats total bs. Ive passed up opportunities to go to parties and bars with my friends just so I could stay in, and wait for him to finish his shift, so I could go home to him and sleep with him when he got home in the morning.Being too drunk? Pff, Ive come down off speed, been hungover and or drunk, and traveled an hour MULTIPLE TIMES just to see him.Btw, out of the whole year weve been together, hes been to my condo prolly less or around 10 times total.I couldnt BELIEVE these despicable excuses. I was also somewhat emotional at this point as it was my first shift, and I had to break up a fight on my own, without any bosses or bouncers or whatever. It wouldve been nice to have him there. He said afterwards that he would come, but at that point I just told him to stay home as his actions and words had hurt me enough that night, and I didnt want to see him.This weekend rolls around, and he says he will come over to my place. Before I am about to leave for my shift, he tells me: But maybe not, well see.I was a bit upset when he said that, but held it inside, and asked why? Maybe there was a valid reason. I knew he was going to hang out with his band members and get drunk, as well as have a photoshoot afterwards for their myspace page, but I thought maybe there was a valid excuse (if you can call it that).What was his reasoning?He might be too drunk.Well, thats just frickin great.So today, after arguing about how much I sacrifice for him (and he does commit to some sacrifices for me. Like, when I am free, he will always hang out with me first. If he goes out with his friends, its either when Im at work, or he brings me along), I still felt jipped. After a while, he said he would come for sure, but I was too pissed off and felt bad, as though he was only coming because I was making him, so I said forget it, if you want to see me, itll be on monday, and itll only be because youre coming to see me.Btw, his reasoning was that: I didnt need to do the things I needed to, and he shouldnt feel guilty about them.So fine. I wont do it anymore. I asked him to bring all the things i left at his place back to mine when he comes over on monday, as I would not be coming to his place much anymore, if at all. And its all upto him to come see me at my place, or meet me halfway.Am I being unreasonable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs for the bus pass ... its about 40 dollars extra for him if he were to buy a pass. Considering his and my schedule, itd be hard for him to maximize the use out of the pass, and would prolly end up wasting money if he bought it ... Im not asking for much though, just for him to come over to my place for a change once a week ... its just a drag when hes not willing to do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Thanks for your response!
I always knew he was a guy that liked his solitude. There are times where hell straight up tell me he doesnt feel like hanging out and wants to do his own thing when thats the case ... although it hurts, at least hes being straight with me, which I appreciate. So thats not an issue.
However, as of late, I have actually been the one to suggest maybe we should have specific days to ourselves, where we take care of our own things, and go out with friends, etc. I suggested this because I realized how grossly immersed with him I was becoming, and I wanted my own life outside of the relationship, and I didnt want our relationship to become stale. He wasnt too hot on the idea initially, but we have been discussing it lately.
Still, whenever both of us are free, and theres no effort (or minimal effort) put in on his part, he always seems like he wants to hang out ... to the point where once, when I wanted to go out with my friends while he was out jamming, he got angry with me and threatened to break up with me because I hadnt invited him (in my head, I figured hed be busy all night). In his defence though, he was drunk, about to break the news to his band that he was breaking up with them, and all my friends are dude, so I can understand why hed be insecure about that, as I would be as well if all his friends were girls.
Basically, all this to say, I know he needs his space sometimes, but I dont think that was the case this time. I just dont think he cared enough to come over.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Honestly, the clingy side of you is definitely shining through. If he's not a clingy person then you can't expect that he'll want to hang out with you as often as you want to hang out with him. If he's making up pitiful excuses, I'd say he just wants some space once in a while.
Think about this for a second... When you first started dating you didn't act clingy and everything was peachy. Now that you've started acting clingy he's changed and occasionally makes excuses as to why he can't see you... correct? In my opinion he just wants a bit of space once in a while, I suspect for no other reason than to just be able to relax and unwind.
Having said that though, I don't think you're being unreasonable. A relationships is a two way street. You can't expect the amount of effort each person puts into it to be equal all the time, but I think at the very least he could buy a bus pass. Maybe if you suggest a day that each week you both DON'T see each other it might help both of you.
Meh, just my thoughts. Good-luck :)
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