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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: hi aunts and uncles, been a long time since i have been on here. i was left for a yonger woman, and thought it to be not right. i waited two years to get out and meet other guys, i finally met a guy who ended up being 18 years younger than me. we hit it off well. he had been seperated for a year but only divoced for a month when i met him. i did not know that he was freshly divorced until a month after seeing him. anyway we have moved quite fast in the relationship. its been 5 months we live together, and he as asked me to marry him. i want to accept his proposal but im not sure that he is over his ex, they have a 5 year old son together whom i absolutly adore, i have heard all the things that she did wrong to cause the divorce from not only him but from the family as well. but i have read texts on his phone wanting her back, of course this was before i met him but the jester was still there. he has been talking to her and sending pics of her and them that he had found on his dads computer. ive kinda put myself on the back burner for him. i helped take care of his dying father who just recently passed, i take care of his son while he works on the three days he gets them during the week. so as you can see with a new relationship we have not really had time to build on it. he has recently told me that my age does bother him but said he would explain it to me later, he always tells me how beautful i am and that there is no way i am 47, and he even said age is just a number. he tells me that i am a good woman all the time. well i know what kind of woman i am. i was told the same thing by my ex but he still left. two questions here. 1. is he coming up with excuses why to leave because i really think he wants his ex to leave the guy she is living with and come back to him, he has said he was sorry to her about the past and it took his father passing away to reaize his mistakes. 2. what the hell am i doing wrong that im being left by these men that say im a good woman. i just dont understand it. i love these men and give them 110% and they tell me they love me but leave me for another. oh one more thing he has been with his ex 3 different times. they got togeter broke up, he got back with her got her pregnant they got married, broke up, got back together, broke up got a divorce. all because she didnt want to work and she cheated on him, she is 5 years younger than him. and by the way he is 29. thank you in advance.
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broke up, divorce, got back together, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cardinal  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 yeah, sorry it sounds like he still wants his ex. dump him.to your other question, from what it sounds like you are doing nothing wrong. unfortunately, guys are asses. a lot of them. and unfortunately you don't get many chances in life to meet all the fish in the sea. the most important thing is do what makes you happy. it sounds like this guy doesn't make you happy, so away with him. so you're 47? okay, that doesn't mean you cant go out and find someone else. love is still there. my best advice would be don't go around searching for love, let it find you. or else, you'll make yourself believe you're in love with a guy and then boop guess what you're not happy.the only thing maybe you should ask yourself is do you think the guy uses you as a doormat? sorry to even ask this but like you said you give 110% and what does he give?? the right man would pamper you on a throne and treat you like a queen. don't let a man tell you what to do. find someone who will give YOU 110%. and if you don't, then you don't. sometimes life doesn't always bless you with true love. it happens.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 April 2014):
 One big rule: Never be the first girl he dates after his earlier break up.
No matter how good you are the guy will gain in confidence with you and then start to think he can do better. Far smarter to wait until a guy is thoroughly sick of dating and has discovered most of the downfalls of dating again, and now seriously wants to settle down again.
Once you are on the lookout for a guy, it is important that you never put the needs of the other person on a higher priority level than your own needs. You can lose your own identity if you are constantly too giving. And constantly too eager to please
It hurts sometimes to see girls who treat their guys appallingly. I don't like seeing it. Yet I have to agree that many men feel spurred to try harder when the girl is "treating him mean to keep him keen". Bear in mind I definitely do not condone that approach. However time and time and time again I seek women who appear to be self focused and me even a little ego-centric. Yet they often have partners who go all out to try to meet their needs.
Whereas the girls who are far too giving and accommodating seem to come last every time and appear to attract guys looking for a 24/7 maid, expert cook, expert cleaner, and everything else and expected to appear perfect as well.
You have been kind and generous and you have given him love and support. He has taken that support but that's all. Now he is looking for excuses.
I think you have "given" too much in this relationship. Who would have met these needs if you had not been there? He would have used someone else. You were useful to him. But I do not think he appreciated it. Even if he sort of says he did.
Try to go for something in between the two above. Do develop some hobbies that are passions for you. Do undertake some travel without a guy tagging along. Do make decisions that are truly in your best interests. Do look after your finances well.
Do not be the one to be the first to offer. Let others step in.
And IF a nice guy comes along do not lose yourself and do not forget your goals and aspirations and your needs.
Guys respect a girl who knows what she wants. And has her own set of friends and her own interests. And can manage her finances well. And is not toooooo Needy.
You don't have to prove to him that you are "good enough" for him. He has to meet your criteria of a good man who is worth your time and effort, and who you want to spend time with.
Let the guy be the one doing the giving a but more next time in the form of giving you his time, giving you a firm commitment and giving you his exclusive attention.
Your current guy has been pining for his ex but using you for things his ex has not been offering to do.
Yet he still wants his ex back. Please learn lessons from this.
Because you do deserve better.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 April 2014):
 You didn't specify how old the other man who left you for a younger woman was. However, if you have a habit of dating younger men, like the guy you're currently seeing, I would say this could be your 'problem.'
For example, if your current were to leave you for a woman in her thirties, he wouldn't be leaving you for a younger woman specifically - because she may even still be older than him. However, she is a good bit younger than you due to your age gap. So he would just he dating someone his own age. So if you have a thing for younger guys, this may he part of your problem.
He said he has a problem with the age difference but would tell you about it later?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 April 2014):
Dear OP,
The problem IS that you give 110%. Your eagerness doesn't get you love. Love is not the price you get for sacrificing your needs and opinions. Men say you are a good woman, because they are morally obligated to do so and I am sure they are grateful for the things you do for them. Maybe they leave while feeling more guilty than if you hadn't given your all. Maybe they hate themselves for not loving you more. But you overwhelm them with things they may not need! Men don't necessarily need that much help and support and affection, they may rather need someone who admires them for their own achievements, presents them with challenges and respects their ability to cope. A man wants to see himself as a hero, not a sobbing baby who is taken care of. By the way, also women want to feel like heroines sometimes, so I'd say the same if you were a lesbian with a similar story.
A man wants to have a partner. That means, someone with an opinion, someone who says "no" from time to time, sets boundaries. Or else he doesn't feel like he's in a relationship, he feels like he is your employer or master or someone with an awful lot of responsibility (for your whole well-being).
It's unfair that you've been taken advantage of, but OP it's your responsibility to have yourself treated fair and take care of yourself.
About your guy: Don't say "yes" yet. There's absolutely no rush. If he's the right one, then he can wait.
Don't chase after him by all means. He doesn't sound like he's over his ex and his proposal may well be an act of confusion and desperation, after such short time. The age gap is huge. Of course he doesn't worry about it now, men live more in the moment than we do (I guess). But let's say he's around 40 and you around 60.. then he's around 50 and you around 70..do you get me? This is the perfect set-up for another drama à la "I was left for a younger woman". You do not want this. If I'm being proven wrong, it's all the better and I am happy for you. But please, invest no more than 50% in the relationship and at least 50% in yourself. Your projects, your dreams, your interests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): I think you better hold off on that proposal.
He's rushing things a bit. Yet still telling his ex-wife he still has feelings for her. Anytime you rush into a relationship; you overlook red-flags and put yourself in too deep to allow your common-sense to catch up with your feelings. You have to evaluate the type of guy you're with, what he is expecting from you; and if he recently ended a relationship.
Stop giving 110%. That's too much. It's supposed to be 50/50.
That's part of your problem. Taking care of his kids and being a good mother is what he's complimenting you on. Free childcare is definitely a plus. Stop allowing sweet-talk to confuse you. Let your brain override your heart once in awhile.
You are a good woman, you knew that long before he came along. So that's neither here nor there.
Stop clinging so tight. That's another reason they leave.
You get anxious wondering; okay, when's this guy going to dump me?
Cut that sh*t out!!! You will sabotage the relationship with insecurity, just to speed up the process. Just like you dove in without getting all the facts about his status.
Is he single and available; or recently divorced, or just broken-up with someone? You see a man, and you grab him!
You're 47, so a proposal is going to go straight to your head. He hasn't been divorced and separated long enough to be over his ex-wife; and he's doing things on impulse. You can't allow yourself to get trapped in that.
Stop worrying about at what point your relationships will end. Stop heaping all your hopes and dreams on a guy; just because things start out nicely. Stop being ruled by your age and loneliness. That will make you do things out of desperation. Bypassing logic and common-sense.
Try enjoying what you have, a day at a time. Stop worrying so much about the longevity. It's the quality that matters.
You'll keep getting anxious about being dumped; then that anxiety will manifest in clingy and irrational behavior.
I think this guy is moving too fast, and I think you didn't look before you took a leap into a new relationship. I think you also have a deep insecurity about the age-gap.
If you took your time to find out what you're getting into before you commit, you wouldn't be so anxious about it falling apart. You attach your feelings, then decide to figure out what they are attached to, after the fact. That's most of your problem.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 April 2014):
 OP: This guy is telling you EVERYTHING that a guy sez to a woman in order to get her to put out for him....
After that (once you put out) WHAT IS LEFT FOR YOU????????
Take a long time... and MANY deep breaths..... before you go any further with this Lothario.....
Good luck....
P.S. I'm amazed at some of the things I said - in my younger days - in order to get a woman to remove her clothes!!!!!!
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