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female
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anonymous
writes: ok here is my deal.... i am a very lonely college student that hasn't had a boyfriend in two years. i have been used by guys in some many ways and i know it. sometimes I did sexual things for them thinkin i could get them that way. Yeah, doesnt work. but here is my delay, i have a good friend that i have a crush on, he said there could be a possible dating thing between us but thats as far as he has gone with that. well i have recently started giving him head which is new for him. He said right now we should just be friends with benefits, but i receive nothing, yes he is new at this but still wouldn't he know to do something.it sucks b/c i like him and i do things for him like lead him 100 dollars or take him places, or do things that he doesnt ask for... if i ask to hang with him he has to find a stop that is clear in his week but if his friends, that are also girls, ask him to hang he makes time for them...what should i do?thanks,lonely and used
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): My dear, sorry to say, but the answer to "why is he doing this?" is because you are allowing him to!
He is simply using you to get sex and money, no strings attached, and doesn't care about you or your feelings.
You say you have given men sexual favors before, and it didn't develop into a committed relationship, so my question for you is: why are you doing it now?
Loneliness sucks, yes, but better not to have a boyfriend than one who drags you down and contributes to your own lack of self-respect like this! You need to set a higher value on YOURSELF and your expectations of men! Do things and go places and have fun, concentrate on your job, maybe do some volunteer activities, stuff that pleases YOU and let the guys go hang! Once you have got your priorities sorted out, determined what you want and don't want in a relationship, and regained some self-respect, THEN will be time to think about relationships with men again! Meantime, cultivate other friends, and perhaps get in touch with a therapist to help you resolve these issues!
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): A few key things here: lonely, gives sex to try to receive love, possibly a lowered self-esteem due to various reasons
Liking someone, having a major crush on them should be just that - an emotional and physical attachment to that person. If you want their love back, giving head and spreading your legs for them isn't the way to do it. Love as you and everyone else should know, is a two way street.
In short, he's just using it, and you know this already. So what should you do? Well, isn't the most prudent reaction just simply to stop giving him head and money? Think about it. If you have to give head and money to try to win someone's heart over, who's to say that person is a good guy in the first place? Head and money - two of the most profound objects and services a person can give in the most superficial form ever! [wink]
Hey let's put it into perspective. Ever since the dawn of time [laughs], I've been alone, in natural and blunt defiance against conformity of the masses, and developed my own way of expression. Have I ever been lonely? Of course, even amidst good close friends, lovers, and family. Do I let that bring me down? I try not to, but sometimes, it does. What have I done to continue life and strive for whatever ambitions I have and goals to accomplish? I find things outside of that aloneness to peak my interests.
Obviously, if you say you are lonely and sad and depressed and stuff like that, and then do nothing but go out to the local bar and give head to any guy who says they might give you love back, then hell, you'll be a poor lonely sod all your life. However, if you find something that increases your self-acknowledgement in this world, something that benefits you mentally, spiritually, and/or physically - eg: mountain biking, climbing trees and writing in your diary, go on Craigslist to find some local activity partners, possibly meet and talk to ppl from HotOrNot.com, join some clubs, hook up with family (cousins and such) and go to their events, etc, etc, etc.
Sex is a nice temporary engagement that causes some relief and pleasure of course, but it's not an everlasting feeling. If you really want love, do it through the proper channels - friendship, respect, consideration, care, and mutual support.
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A
female
reader, ellie6 +, writes (24 November 2006):
 You have recognised that your friend is using you for sex and money, yet you still like him?? I know you're feeling lonely, and it sounds like you like having a boyfriend and someone you can rely on but my advice is to forget guys for a while and concentrate on yourself- be selfish for a while! Try and make some new friends or spend more quality time with the ones you've got. I'm sure your girlfriends are much more reliable and fun than guys who won't even make time to see you!
Get rid of that loser- why are you letting him use you for blowjobs?! Surely you're better than that?
I'm sure you deserve someone who's going to treat you right, but I think you need to take time out from relationships in order to find that. You need to make yourself more 'unavailable' to guys and be more about yourself and looking after you!
So, ditch that guy- you know he's using you, so he's really not worth your time- stop lending him money and giving him 'benefits', where he doesn't give you anything!- and give it time before you hook up with another guy, try and work out what you want first, before jumping into another 'relationship'.
Don't let people use you, you're worth a lot more than that.
Also, if you're feeling lonely- due to friends? I'm not sure... but get yourself out there and make the effort to make some new friends- you're a college, start talking to new people, join new fitness clubs like swimming, badminton, etc. and start making some new friends so you can hang around with them- maybe you'll get introduced to some hot guys who will treat you right and make time for you. If they don't them don't let them walk all over you- get rid!!!!!
Good luck!
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