A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,Background: I never really had a father -daughter relationship with my dad,we never were really close,but he would always give me the pocket money as a child and give me anything I would point on!Fast forward to now,This has become kind of a pattern with me,and I think it isn't healthy..so please help me find some ways to stop this(other than counselling,cuz that seems to be a favourite answer here)When I'm dating or I see a potential relationship emerging,I tend to give expensive gifts to the men because I think that will make them stay with you and if they are having second thoughts they would put a hold on it..they would like me more if I gift them!I just don't want to spend my money on this not unless my relationships culminates into something serious until then spending money on someone who I just met,seems a waste!how do I get myself to stop doing this?and could you also give me some tips to make the first few dates interesting and fun?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Forgot to answer this: "and could you also give me some tips to make the first few dates interesting and fun?"
I am not a part of this culture where you go "dating" all properly. In my world, a date is just a meeting up, and it is already implied that you fancy each other. The main purpose is to get to know one another, not to, say, explore the world together. The fun and exciting action filled things are great for when you're already in a relationship. For first dates I think it is best to keep it simple and easy.
Date 1: have a cup of coffee.
Date 2: have lunch or dinner together (NOT at a restaurant, that's just awkward). Or watch a movie?
Just do what you feel like doing. I've had dates where we just stayed at home and watched tv, but the point wasn't the "activity" per se, the point was that we sat down together, talked, got to know each other.
I've also had dates where I went out to have a beer after work, or go out for drinks. But the most popular one is to meet for coffee, or when I was a student: meet for lunch.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 April 2013):
You know, coming here, and receiving answer, is just another form of counseling. You share, you get feedback, you think about things and you aim to work on yourself.
If therapy is available to you then do try it. It's a favourite answer because it is the one thing that is most effective and helps the most.
That being said, lets move on to my personal advice.
"When I'm dating or I see a potential relationship emerging,I tend to give expensive gifts to the men because I think that will make them stay with you"
It doesn't make them want to stay with you. I think you already know that though. Money can't buy love. You shouldn't spend all your money of gifting to anyone REGARDLESS of how long you've been in a relationship with him. It's one thing to give a gift as a gesture for birthdays and Christmas, but that's also where the line is drawn.
You have a thought pattern that you can have a business transaction when it comes to relationships. The more money you put in, the more love they owe you. But the rest of the public don't think like that. You only receive love if you've made yourself worthy of it (and of course if you're with the right guy, but there are many mr. rights).
You're past the age where you can blame your actions and thought pattern on your parents. My dad also thinks friendships and other relationships is something you build on a mutual exchange of either money or favours that must be repaid. He thinks he's a great dad because he has done this or that for us, yet we aren't giving him in return what he thinks we owe him, so apparently we're the ungrateful and "evil" ones.
But what can that teach you? To be the SAME? Or to be the OPPOSITE? Did you have a great relationship with your father, did his gifts make you love him more? Is that the form of relationship YOU want? No? Then following that pattern surely would be a bad idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): OP we're men, the only time we expect gifts is our birthday and xmas. If you want a real reason you should stop understand one thing, when you try to buy a guy OP you emasculate him. It may be 2013 but we still want to feel like the provider, the person who buys the gifts that sweeten the relationship. OP we want to be the person who does the pursuing, the one who has to work hard to get the prize at the end. The prize being either just sex or having you as a partner. Stop taking that away from us.Also OP by buying expensive gifts you pressure us into returning the favour, we feel obliged no matter what you say to either better that gift or to at least match it and we may not have budgeted things that way. OP we're not your little boy, you don't have to buy us toys to keep us sweet.What you're really doing is pushing us away.The harder you try to "keep" us, the more desperate, clingy and needy you seem and the faster we run.You have everything backwards OP. We have to prove ourselves to you before you do anything other than maintain a relationship. If you have to fight to keep us then we're really not that into you and you should let us go.Stop putting men and relationships at the top of your priorities like it's something you need or unhappy without. We don't want to be your solution, we certainly don't want to be your need before you even get to know us and buying us expensive gifts truly does make us feel less of a man who is obliged to give one back.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Stop, Stop, Stop. You are sending out all the wrong messages. And even worse you are likely to attract a guy who will just lean on you and try to milk you for even more extravagant presents for them.You have a music track playing in your head that implies that giving presents is the way to gain favor with others. WRONG WRONG WRONG.So you need to change the message you are hearing in your head. Find a new way to do things. Your father gave you money to 'satisfy' his need to seem nurturing. Real people care more about learning more about you. What is important to you. What do you regards as your achievements in your life. What are your values and your attitudes. What makes you tick. Where do you want to be in 5 year or 10 years. And similarly you need to show interest in learning more about the guy. What is important to him.. What does he regards as his achievements in his life. What are his values and his attitudes towards life and living. What makes him tick. Where does he want to be in 5 year or 10 years. Presents should not be achieved for some time. If his birthday arises and you have known him long enough then a present (moderate price) is OK. But not something "over the top"Same with Christmas.You do NOT buy him a Valentine's present. NOT in the first year. Show some cool. Don't gush all over him.Presents (and or sex) will not make a man stay with you. But may stick around for a little while to make USE of you. But a good man will start to feel uncomfortable about your uncalled for insecure approach of trying to "buy" his loyalty and the good man will move on.So you will be left with the losers and the users and the takers who will take your present but then snigger about this very generous woman he knows behind your back. Because he will think you are too needy or a sucker.Wait until the relationship is very serious before even considering buying a guy an expensive present. Spending money on someone you've not known long is a big waste of YOUR MONEY.Wait until he gives you the first present. Thank him. And then do NOT go out and buy him a present.Set up a dedicated savings plan. Every time you feel like buying someone a present then instead put the money into that dedicated pot of present money. Although you cannot earn interest on the money perhaps set up a PayPal.com. account. Put that money, that previously you used for presents, into that fund for YOU to use for you.When the fund reaches $1000 then use the money to buy yourself something gorgeous for you.Or save up even more and use the funds for a holiday for you.Make up some affirmations to recite daily for yourself. Say the affirmations to yourself every day.Establish an exercise program and focus on maintaining your fitness.Consider your own skills. What are you good at making? if you do have some skills that could result in products that people would like to buy then sign up for Etsy.com and think about occupying yourself making items you could sell on ETSY.com. Why? The aim is to distract A busy confident person is often far more attractive to a wider range of healthy persons.
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