A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 36 year old woman and my boyfriend is 29. We have been dating for 1 year and we have agreed to register for marriage in August. I feel that I am the one who pushed for it and we agreed August for practical reasons as my sister who lives abroad will be visiting the UK. When we got into this I told him my timescale was to be engaged and registered married within the year. He never contested that. It's been a year this month. At the beginning he used to say all the time he couldn't wait to marry me and let's go ring shopping etc so I didn't feel that I needed to worry about it. As time went by and nothing actually happened and no plans were discussed, I began to have doubts. Also a few mistakes he had made when it came to poor judgment made me lose trust in him and I became more controlling because I didn't trust him to make the best decisions, but it's tiring micro managing everything.He lives in my flat, so I also look after the flat and he pays half rent and bills. I feel sometimes like his mum because he is not as domesticated as me being so young, he was living at home and in hotels when he was working, as he is a pilot.He says he is emotionally ready for marriage and is utterly devoted to me, but financially he doesn't feel he is ready and wants more time to build up some money to pay for a engagement ring and a wedding. I feel that all conversations about the future and moving things forward have been instigated by me and he doesn't really come back with much when I do try and talk to him about it.Last year I had surgery to remove a large polyp from my womb and I am so worried about my fertility and am desperate to be ready to start trying for a baby, but also want to be married first so there is some commitment and security. My mum also had 5 miscarriages so I don't know how it will be for my own situation at all. The waiting for him to make the amount of money he thinks he needs is driving me mad. I have savings and also his family would give him money, my mum has offered to pay for our wedding and I have told him I don't need a ring, earlier this year in an attempt to dissolve some of my frustration I asked him to buy me a vintage promise ring which cost 750 pounds and I am very happy with it. I said he can always buy me a proper ring later when he has money but he said he doesn't want to do that.I do now feel all the magic and excitement and romance has gone for me and I just don't care anymore now and it makes me really sad. The biological clock time pressure in my head and body and my lack of trust in him to drive things forwards are all taking it's toll on me. By nature he is a very easy going, laid back kind of person and I'm usually the dominant one, which also frustrates me as it emasculates him to me and I lose sexual desire for him.The age gap has not been a problem as I look very young and he is very grounded and mature in many ways. However in terms of career he is currently a First Officer and needs to train as Captain to progress and get on contract and earn more money so he can support a family. In order to do this he will be stationed in another country and it will be a question of clocking up hours and then continuously checking to see if and when there is an opening for him to return to the UK. There is no guarantee if this will even be possible. The last time he was sent away for training it took him 2 years to return to a London base.Logically it makes sense, he needs to do his Captaincy so he can make more money and we can start a family, but my problem is that I have terrible separation anxiety. I physically cannot control or rationalise my feelings due to childhood trauma and a previous experience of long distance where I was cheated on.I was on and off in that relationship for 10 years but could never get over the other woman who he left me for and then came back to me after 2 years. He couldn't deal with my anger and was not really remorseful or apologetic and left me the last time we got back together after only 7 months of living together and giving me a ring, which I had to ask for.That's why I woke up one day at 35 and had to start over again when all my friends around me are married and now on their second child. It physically pains me in my heart to see babies everywhere because I love children so much and all I have ever wanted was to be a mum and have a family. I wasted so much time in my last relationship because he was ambivalent about children and didn't believe in marriage but I loved him so deeply I kept trying to work it out when ultimately he was too selfish to meet me halfway anywhere. The sad thing is I still think about him and miss him even though he treated me so badly and was such a narcissistic person.My boyfriend now is the total opposite, he is the most amazing person I have ever met, but he is the safe guy. He was meant to be the safe guy, that's what I thought I was signing up to. He's not like my ex who was the hot guy, funny and charismatic and guys wanted to be like him and girls wanted to be with him, that guy. My boyfriend now is understated, handsome to me but a real homely family guy. So it's a safe kind of love rather than the exciting passionate highs and lows kind of love which I had with my ex. I didn't know my bf was going to have to go away when we first got together or I honestly would have never got into it with him. I have had 2 long distance relationships and swore I would never have another one and I am now at a point in my life where I am just desperate for a settled family life.I really don't know what to do, because I know that I will suffer so badly over the next indefinite amount of time. If anyone who has ever suffered separation anxiety will understand. It's not rational, it's a horrible sickness that makes you can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus on anything and feel on the verge of tears and so emotional. It also makes me angry, emotionally disconnected from the person, upset, frustrated, resentful and terrified. I literally cannot function. I don't know how I'm going to do it and I'm just not sure I want to.He is not too fazed by the long distance, although he is not happy about it, he did long distance for 7 years before with his previous gf and they ended up splitting because of the all or nothing decision. He was supposed to move to Asia to be with her, but he couldn't get a job in any of the Asian airlines. It's very hard to get a job as a pilot and it's a job for life, people don't really leave companies once they are in. She kept wanting to split but he didn't want to, so in a way I feel he lead her on now and that it's going to happen to me too. He had some concerns about her princessy behaviours and wanted her to resolve them before he committed, but she insisted the only way she would give up her job as a lawyer in Asia and come back to London is if they got engaged. In the midst of all that he met me and it drove his decision to end the relationship with her because he wasn't sure about her and didn't want her to give up everything to be with him in case it didn't work out. Plus our emotional connection was pretty special and we started to fall in love with each other. I find it very hard to meet people I am attracted to and connect with, but I am very attractive physically and have no problems when it comes to dating. It's finding someone I like rather than people who like me. I could walk away now and potentially miss out on a great future with this guy. But I don't know if I can physically get through the time it will take to get to the future and I don't want to wait to start a life together and trying for children. I also don't want to be essentially a single mum if he's away 5 nights a week. He can come back on his days off, but he works 5 on, 4 off.It doesn't sound bad, but the reason this is all coming out for me now is because he just went to Asia for a wedding and it was for 5 nights and I literally didn't eat or sleep the whole time, cried continuously, had a nervous breakdown and told him I don't want to marry him anymore. I don't know if I want to sign up to this, it's not what I thought I was signing up for and I literally at this point in my life don't know if I can do this and I don't know how it will work out.He is wonderful, but I don't know if I won't just destroy the relationship and fall into a depression while he is away anyway so that we never have this future he is promising me. I can't trust it and I can't bear it. I don't know what to do!Help!
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engaged, got back together, living at home, long distance, money, my ex, trying for a baby, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): Congratulations on taking the time to write back. You are not supposed to take agony aunt answers as gospel truth....they will write things that are intended to make you think, or hopefully to help you have a new feeling or understanding. Your life is your own, not the agony aunts and your decisions are your own . Iam glad you have happy days as well as sad days. People answered because they felt they could try to unravel your worries, like a ball of tangled wool, help you to consider your own worth and knit a happy future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for your feedback. There were some very useful perspectives and I am overwhelmed by how people actually took the time to read my long ramblings and offer such considered thoughts in response.My boyfriend came back yesterday and we talked for a long time and realised quite a few home truths about what was happening for both of us. It was the emotional disconnection and not feeling heard or that my feelings were valued and supported over the past months that was the real problem. To think that I would be committing to marrying a lifetime of this dynamic plus the long distance was creating massive anxiety for me and panic and also anger and frustration and fear.He realised he had got comfortable and lazy in our relationship and has promised he will listen and be more open to negotiation and flexibility in planning our future and that he will ensure that the emotional connection we have is something that will be strong enough to carry us through the long distance and he will work on it everyday the way I have been trying to, so I don't feel alone in working for this. He explained he has been distracted, ironically trying to earn enough money for the wedding plans and ring and lost focus on the present which is to be connected and work on this together so we both decide on a plan together that we are both happy with.I didn't talk about the positives in my post, but that's because I emotionally disconnect when I feel threatened or scared and can't feel the love. He understands this about me and says he will never give up on us and will be strong for the both of us when I can't be. He is the only person I have ever trusted enough to spend the rest of my life with, but I didn't want that version of him, the version of him I have back in my life now is the guy I fell in love with and can believe in. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I do want to get married and have a child imminently because of my biological clock, but that wasn't my agenda when I met him. I was 1 month out of my last relationship and not looking for that. We were just friends having fun that fell in love and because I had never felt so sure about anyone before, I did want to rush ahead with building a future and having a family. Many things I was frustrated about were symbollic to my feelings of vulnerability. He had made some misguided choices in the past that hurt me and as a result I had never really regained the trust in his decision making. The upshot of this is he has promised me that he will talk to me about everything and not take everything upon himself and inadvertently hurt me as a result of not sharing and checking in with me. So we're working on things. I'm still ambivalent and nervous but I want this to work and I don't want to be with anyone else. I feel that now he is back in the room so to speak emotionally, this is worth it for me again and I will be able to weather the storms knowing he has me in his heart. I have no doubt it will be hard and I will crumble at times, but as long as I can feel he is emotionally connected to me, I have something to hold on to. I would just like to say to agony aunts, please be a little careful when giving advice, not to be too judgmental as you can never really understand another person's inner world until you've lived their life in their skin. Sometimes you just have a moment where you need to say everything you feel and not all of it will be adult and rational. There are huge bodies of research into how childhood trauma and abuse stunts emotional development and creates insecure attachment patterns. This is something I have had to live with my entire life, so yes at times I will feel/act/think 'younger' than perhaps my biological age or society would dictate us to be. We are all different and have our own burdens and resources or lack thereof. I'm really lucky to have found someone who accepts and loves me unconditionally and completely crazy and all. Amazing. Love him so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): Are you in a safe financial position?I actually got the vibe that you are "desperate" for a baby, not for a man or a relationship...If that's the case and you don't trust your current partner coz of cheating or whatever but you really want a baby, why not look into a sperm-donor arrangement?If you only truly just want a baby...ps: I understand your desire to be settled, married etc. before the baby but that hasn't happened, so something's gotta give... Another option-freezing your eggs so you stop worrying about it and wait for the right man to come along? pps: then again, as much as I hope you meet him, he might not "come along" when you need him (and pregnancies late in life, even though possible, carry much higher risks (down syndrome risk, for example, increases for the baby and several complications for the mother), so you have to decide what's more important to you-to be a mother or to be in a relationship?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2015):
 " like I see it " said it beautifully and detailedly, I'll keep it shorter and simpler:
you do not want to get married WITH THIS GUY. You want to get married, period. And this guy seemed the type who could be convinced to follow the program ( although now he is dragging his feet, and with a good reason, I think . ).
Now you are hesitant because , even if he is not 100% compliant, you still feel and hope he can be prevailed to follow your plan. If he does not,... you have to start all over again with someone else, and I understand that the idea does not appeal to you.
But, let's say that you get your wish- marriage and kid asap - , and, as my Dear Cupider colleague says, -then what ?
Will you like him more ? Will you desire him more ? Will you respect him more ? Will you feel butterflies in the stomach again ?
Very doubtful. You'll be stuck for years to come with a man that basically is not what you want , AND living the life of a single mom, because he will be working long hours / working away a lot.
Add to this that you do not seem particularly equipped to do that- in fact, not at all, if you suffer of separation anxiety ALSO from someone you are not in love with, but just like this, in general.
So, although unluckily it is a bit of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation- maybe the safest thing to do is the counterintuive one , i.e. break up and let him go.
Sure, this way you risk not getting to be a wife and a mother , or at least not as soon as you had envisioned. Then again, if you go ahead, you could very possibly be an unhappy wife and mother who will also make unhappy her CHILD ( very important detail ) and her partner . I'd try to limit the damage if I were you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): Are you suffering from some unresolved stress and grief that causes you to express it in your boyfriends absence? If so seek counselling and see if they can help you get beyond this block. You seem to have inherited your mothers anxiety to her failed pregnancies and five miscarriages is very upsetting, but no indication that you will suffer the same way. The removal of a benign polyp or growth is just that .If they didnt say the word cancer to you then it is not cancer, just a growyh you didnt need and thank goodness its gone.Has anyone bullied you for being single still, they are probably jealous that you can still do as you like while they are financially overcommitted. Dont break down sweet sister..book yourself a little trip and dont forget to boast about your future partners free air miles and how wonderful he is. But toughen up little sister , you are absorbing too much unnecessary pain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 I think you are putting WAY to much pressure on him to BE the MAN you want. Why do I say that? Because YOU write:
"I am just desperate for a settled family life."
THAT isn't FAIR that because you WANT everything RIGHT now, he should WANT that as well. People DO move at different speeds. And it's ONLY been a year.
And I don't think YOU are cut out to date a service man, if you can't handle him being gone for 5 days to a wedding without crying and all that drama.
Dating someone serving in the military takes being able to BE very independent, to make DO with what you have and make the BEST of the time you get. HIS job will be pretty stressful and as he goes up in rank, he WILL be gone more and more.
If you hadn't posted your age group I would have guess you to be a lot younger. I say that NOT as an insult but because I have seen new wives of soldiers fall apart because they are NOT only AWAY from their own personal safety net (friend and family) but HE is deployed, at school, in the field or working late hours. Those couples RARELY make it past the first year of marriage.
I think you need to think LONG and HARD if you CAN do it or not, if you don't think you can do it, then LET HIM go. And next time TAKE your own ADVICE and date someone who isn't going to work around the world with crappy hours and high stress.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 May 2015):
 I'm sorry you're going through all this.
I know the advice I am about to give you doesn't fit your desired timeline, but with so many unresolved issues in your relationship, the LAST thing you should do is marry this man the instant you can pressure him to the altar.
Your description of your partner and where he fits into your plans honestly sounds like you were auditioning for a role when you met him, not looking for love that would last a lifetime. Your ideal candidate needed to be a "safe guy" ready to marry you within a year of meeting and ready to have children soon after. None of these attributes necessarily speak to who someone is as a person (except that he can be rushed into things that might take others longer to decide on), so from a third-party perspective, it's not surprising that your boyfriend could check all these boxes on your list of must-haves and still not be compatible with you as a romantic partner. And it seems that he may not be.
In your own words:
"I became more controlling because I didn't trust him
It's tiring micro managing everything
I feel sometimes like his mum
I feel that all conversations about the future and moving things forward have been instigated by me
I'm usually the dominant one, which also frustrates me as it emasculates him to me
I lose sexual desire for him
I didn't know my bf was going to have to go away when we first got together or I honestly would have never got into it with him"
Suppose everything goes as planned - suppose he NEVER had to leave the country AND you got the child you want within the year.
Then what?
Does that magically restore your trust in him? Because healthy relationships and marriages require mutual trust.
Does it eliminate the need you feel to micro-manage him? Because no one enjoys doing that and no one enjoys being on the receiving end of it, either.
Do you suddenly stop feeling like his mother? Because feeling like your partner is a child (or treats you like a parent) doesn't make for a healthy and fulfilling love life.
Does he begin instigating his share of conversations about planning for the future? Because this is something in which BOTH of you should have a voice, given that you will live that future together if you become a married couple.
Do you stop feeling like the dominant one, or feeling that his weaknesses emasculate him? Because this clearly isn't an attractive trait to you, and because most men don't appreciate feeling emasculated by their partners either.
Does your sexual desire for him improve? Because a willfully sexless marriage is not fair to EITHER spouse.
I know these are hard and uncomfortable questions and I ask them because once you've had a baby, marriage to this man means that you will likely be with him for many years to come. Problems like these are breeding grounds for resentment and, in the case of a sluggish or nonexistent sex life, extramarital affairs. Make sure that you are committing yourself to a life you actually want to be living in five years or ten years or fifty years. If this guy is fundamentally not a good match for you, what his schedule does or does not do in the next few months is completely irrelevant. Please don't "settle" for him in the name of getting pregnant as soon as possible.
I sincerely believe that the probability of him working away from home in five-day stretches for the next year or two while he secures a stable future for you both is the LEAST of the issues referenced in your post, although it may well have been the last straw in terms of your frustration with this relationship.
But to address the scheduling issue as well: his timeline and your timeline simply do not match.
HE wants a stable career and stable finances before he gets married and creates another human being that will be totally dependent on the both of you for the next 18 years minimum. (Is it possible that he insists on being able to pay for the wedding himself because he's aware that you feel he's emasculated and he wants to show you he CAN take care of and provide for you?) And he is willing to suck it up and work long hours away from home to make that stable future a reality.
YOU want to get married now and become a mother while that option is still biologically available to you, and you are willing to forgo a conventional courtship in order to make that happen.
Neither of you is "wrong" about this, or has bad priorities. You simply have priorities that may not be compatible at this point in your respective lives. Your partner is not saying that he does not want to marry you or does not want to have children with you. He is saying that he wants to be able to do these things properly rather than rushing into them before he is prepared to be a good husband and father.
All that said, I think you have two options.
1) Accept that life as we plan it and life as it comes to be are not always one and the same and let things proceed with your current partner on a timeline that is natural, not forced or argued for. Even if you are unable to have biological children of your own, adoption or surrogacy with a donated egg(s) are possibilities that would still allow you to build a family with your partner when the time is right for BOTH of you. It does not appear that letting go of the concrete timetable would solve ALL your incompatibilities, but it could greatly reduce them in that you are no longer pressuring or mothering your partner into doing things at the rate you want to see them happen.
2) Leave the relationship you are currently in and find a partner who is in a better position to give you the things you want from a relationship. It might be wise, in the event this is your decision, to choose someone closer in age to yourself and therefore more settled in life/more ready to take these steps WITH you, rather than because you insist on them.
Only you can decide what you want your future to look like, and who will live that future beside you. Choose carefully.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): ok so your questioning everything and dont know what to do next...its not really an all or nothing situation tho because currently your bloke tells you he loves you, he wants to be mr right but YOURE backing out.Maybe with good reason as you want something tangible in the here and now. Babies are little beings that need a whole lot of love and care and they cost quite a bit of time and money. They are not a must-have item at all. Nor is a husband. Please remember cinderella was not a true story....there is no happy ever after!! So please stop setting yourself such high standards all round and try to settle for a comfortable happy rimance. This is unlikely to be the romance for you as you want a more traditional 9 to 5 kind of man who you can rely on, maybe even one who digs the allotment or goes fishing on saturdays.
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