A
male
age
41-50,
*non_e_mouse
writes:Hi All,Well what an absolute nightmare. I’ve just ended a 15 month relationship. Everything was great at first but for the last 6 months or so we’ve been having petty rows pretty regularly. We never make up following a row, although I always try to initiate the make up (life’s too short so make up and talk about it as quickly as possible) she simply pushes me away and refused to make up each time, then this is followed by a couple of days of awkwardness before receiving messages to the effect of “I don’t know whether we should be together – I hate rowing”. Having “split up” and got back together approx. once a month for the last 6 months I started to get tired of this. How can she keep doing this? I started to question whether she really wanted this or not.She is incredibly jealous and really insecure. I have no idea why she is with me, but she has trust issues (probably because she was treated extremely badly by her previous boyfriends – both of whom cheated on her). However, I’m a one-girl guy and love her and want to be with her. She hates it when I go out without her – only went out once with my old mates (where I didn’t drink and I drove so I could leave early as we’d arranged to meet up), and once with her brother and cousin. She’s even insecure about female colleagues at work (they’re just colleagues and not even close ones at that)… I reassure her all the time and I have never cheated on anyone and am insulted she thinks I’m like her previous boyfriends.So what’s happened now? We split up. I feel like I’ve done nothing but be there for her and support her without anything in return for the last 6 months. Although she said she cares and loves me she seemed to stop showing it. While we were going out she got glandular fever (which was hard but I’m never one to give up on anything and tried to be there for her), her parents were selling their house to move far away, and I’m convinced she’s depressed. Her attitude was very much “I can’t be bothered to do anything”.She said she didn’t want to move away from me but that she felt she had to as it was her Mum and Dad’s dream (family hotel business). I just said we’ll deal with that when it happens – it could take ages for something like this to go through and we’ll worry about that then (and so far nothing’s happened and they put the house on the market in Spring 2007). I also said what do you want to do? You can’t live your life trying to make everybody happy – you have to do what you want.Now I’m “single” I’ve been going out and making new friends and trying to enjoy myself. I’ve been getting loads of attention from girls when I’m out (every time I’ve been out so far) but I’m not interested in the slightest. I want my ex. I’m frustrated and just wish she’d snap out of it and wake up and see what she’s ruined. We’ve exchanged texts a few times since the break up and we spoke once on the phone but she started shouting at me and I left it.We only split up two weeks ago. I needed to know whether she wanted this relationship as much as I did, especially considering the “maybe we shouldn’t be together” attitude after rows.Any advice or views would be very much appreciated.
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at work, cousin, depressed, got back together, insecure, jealous, my ex, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (16 January 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question "A male reader, anonymous, (11 January 2008)"
Thanks for your response :)
Over the last couple of months I've grown to realise this myself having read a couple of books on the subject and done loads of research.
Even though I'm now on my own I feel happier, healthier, stronger now and have no intention of ever getting into a relationship like that ever again.
My feelings or anger, hurt and frustration have turned into forgiveness and understanding. It's been quite an experience and I've learnt a lot about myself.
Once again, thanks for the reply. Looking back at my questions on here makes me cringe. It's also a great way of seeing just how much progress I've made in that time since we split up and now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Listen dude, women like that are just going to run you into the ground. It never gets better ever! Ive been through it way too many times and you have no chance. You really need to do more reading on peope with BPD, and 9/10 people say run fast. And for the 1/10 who dont, they will warn you its a very hard road with serious problems in the future. You cant love someone enough to become healthy, and women like that just want men around to love them because they dont love themselves, and women like that may say they love you, but will never really show it, they are usually self centered people that cant ever see anyone elses feelings but themselves!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Hi
Thats a shame. Although you dont know for sure she met someone before you split i take it?
You would think that if she has been cheated on herself she wouldnt do it to others though wouldnt you.
If she did cheat then you are well out of it.
I would try not to read too much into the arguments though and analysing why they happened..ie.. thinking she wanted to turn you against her and then end the relationship. She possibly just wasnt happy and that contributed to the arguments. You could drive yourself crazy thinking up all the reasons for things that happened. We've all done it though.
You know she isnt the right one for you.
Onwards and upwards ey.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (22 November 2007):
 She really isn't worth it, personally I don't think she sounds very stable. Cut all ties with her, if she calls dont answer. Some people just aren't worth your time. Next time be more careful in who you get in a relationship with, you know the warning signs. There are decent girls out there but you managed to get the psycho!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (21 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. There's no way she'd go to counselling with me. She prefers to live in denial I think and simply shifts blame elsewhere. I did mention it but she just closed up and said I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, this is by the by, after just two weeks she's already found someone else. To be honest I now suspect she found that someone for the last month or two since the love, affection and intimacy died about then, I thought she was depressed (still think she is) and that was the only reason for it... But I now have my suspicions she wanted out and wanted me to do something wrong so she could use it to split up... Perhaps making it seem my fault meant she could feel less guilty? And this is probably why we had stupid rows about nothing so I would just leave and she could make out it was my choice... Speaking to a friend he said he's experienced it when his ex was so full of guilt she'd kick off over anything and became very frustrated. Maybe this is what it was. To tell the truth I don't know and after this I'm past caring.
I am so angry with her and feel like I've been so stupid. All the aggro I got whenever a woman so much as looked at me, while she was right there with me I might add, because she was worried I'd meet someone else and run off, only for her to stab me in the back by doing it to me. At least I've got the balls to end it if I become so miserable rather than cheating.
I remember about a month ago I took a last minute half day on a friday and drove to hers to surprise her... She wasn't expecting me until 6pm but I thought we'd spend the whole afternoon and night together. I texted her just as I left saying I've managed to wangle a half day and I'll be there in about 30 minutes and we can do whatever she wants - just go on a random evening/night out. When I arrived she'd just got out the shower and couldn't look me in the eye. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but at the time I thought she'd be happy to see me but she was just annoyed I didn't let her know sooner. A great way to start a nice long weekend huh?
The only positives to come out of this whole thing are;
1) I'm so furious I can't think about her in the same light ever again and that'll help me get over it and;
2) After 5 years of being single I finally opened up and let someone in, unfortunately, it was the wrong person.
3) I know it wasn't me that was the problem.
She'll have to live with what she's done no matter how she wants to dress it up. I don't think cheating builds a good foundation for trust for the future, I know I would be wondering if she cheated on him she'll do it to me. I never thought the cheated would become the cheater though.
Any comments?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 November 2007):
Hi
My guess is she did want the relationship as much as you but was as fed up with the arguing as much as you too!
Ive been in a similar situ myself before and she really does need to get the insecurity sorted out.
Sometimes it takes losing someone important to us to get us to wise up.
You sound like a great guy and if only she could mind read she would know the same!
The other girls dont interest you because you love her. Pure and simple. Its so frustrating isnt it.
Is there any way she might go for counselling with you?
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (21 November 2007):
 It sounds like you enjoyed "looking after" your ex.
Personally it sounds like you need to move on, this girl os more of a drain on you than someone who brings you joy and makes you smile for no reason.
Your life with her was one of walking on eggshells in case the mention of some random female triggered an arguement. You weren't allowed to go out and socialise. She never initiated making up, or even wanted to make up. Could you imagine the rest of your life like this??
The reasons for her behaving like this is one of 2 reasons, she either isn't actually all that into the relationship/you, or she isn't opening up to you because of her past. I'm sorry, though, that is a poor excuse. I have had ex's treat me like dirt, but you can't hide behind that and use that as an excude not to open up to someone.
You sound like a very decent guy, someone who would make a girl very happy, you need someone who's going to cherish you and make you feel special, like you should be feeling. Not running around after someone who seems to like leaving you dangling.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (21 November 2007):
She needs to get help, she's going to look back on your relationship and wish she didn't mess it up. You got to leave it alone now, she either got to get help or just go on the path she's taking. She might wise up in the future and want you back. I personally pity her, she's so wrapped up in past relationships that she can't move on with an actually decent bloke!
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