A
male
age
51-59,
*anzaban
writes:I am a 35 year old recently divorced father of 3 young kids and have been in a loving relationship with a 20 year old girl for the last 6 months. I love this girl to bits, she makes me so happy and has given me endless support and love, more than I ever received from my ex-wife over the ten years we were married.I have two problems!Firstly, I get quite jealous as she is absolutely gorgeous and attracts a lot of attention. I do not think this is linked to her age although at times her attitude towards flirting and attention seeking can be quite immature. I do not think she deliberately tries to make me jealous but is always mentioning other blokes whether at works, or friends, or her girlfriends brothers and mates. She talks about her exes quite a lot as well, even recently feeding the cats of her last ex (who treated very badly) whilst he went on holiday. The green eyes monster in me rears its ugly head quite a regularly now, I think this could be because my feelings towards her have grown so strong. But being a typical flighty 20 year old, it's hard for someone like myself who has been so used to routine through my married life and work (I run a company) to adapt to her. I would like to be able to chill out more but am not sure how?!?!?Secondly, sex. We had it all the time, more than ever before, we just gelled and it was the best ever. I am very highly sexually driven and normally instigate sex. But this all kind of came to a grinding halt 3 months into the relationship when she started to bleed during sex, it turned out to be nothing following doctor's visits and tests etc but it brought back memories of a miscarriage she had when she was 15 that I didn't know about at the time. She now fears having sex and we have had it maybe only 4 times in the last 3 months, normally after blazing rows about the subject. It's killing me to be honest, but I love her to bits and will wait, although I think together with my jealousy issue, is making the relationship all go a bit flat. I want this to work so badly but can't help thinking every time I bring the issue of sex up I'm just putting my own selfish needs first. Being a bloke that had been a in a dead relationship for 10 years, I really do not know what to do and would be really pleased to receive any helpful advice.
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (1 July 2009):
 she is 20 so this is a big age gap.
she's still growing into womanhood so would be naturally slightly immature.
you on the other hand have had 3 kids and established a life.
she's just finding her own. so u need to be patient with her about this.
secondly bleeding during sex is not normal. it normally indicates infection. i know u said she saw the doctor but if it happens everytime ur having sex and its putting her off having sex then she MUST GET HELP via doctor,
secondly may i add, every month she gets a period right? so have u asked her if having a period reminds her of her miscarriage?
it seems she may be using this bleeding issue as an exuse maybe not to get intimate with you.
us girls are bleeding least 5 days a month so she shud be used to the sight of blood!!
do have a word with her & no i dont think your being unreasonable in wanting answers.
good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): your relationship with your wife couldn't have been dead for 10 years - after all you both made 3 kids together.
what is causing your jealously- her youth, her flirting, or YOUR INSECURITIES.
lack of sex- are you certain she is not using her excessive bleeding/ past miscarraige as an excuse? for a spirited young 20 year old she would be jumping you at any given moment. if she has genuine issues then you need to be patient, and allow her time to grieve(?) and slowly move on.
what binds you two together? only sex? if it is then you two have major problems. if you push her for sex she may start resenting you. however strange that she flirts with the others but not giving you any. was she the reason for the dead marriage ending or was she your first relationship after your divorce? was she your rebound girl? the huge age gap will cause problems later in this relationship. you want a more stable environment, she was to party and let her hair down. you maybe want some quiet nights, she wants to go out and have fun?? yes, having a younger warm body next to you is great but it does bring its fair share of problems just like you are experiencing.
if this girl is worth waiting for then you have to curb your sexual tendencies and let her work out her issues. however with the cracks beginning to show maybe couples counselling is not the worst suggestion. if you two have something great then work on the relationship but just be careful, your 35 year old bones should be warning you about the 20 year old vivacious sexy vibrant gf and her flirtatious behaviour. either she is making sure you stay interested or you have proven you are not enough for her?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Jealousy doesn't stem from loving someone intensely it comes from low self-esteem and/or the need to control. You need to do some soul searching on what it is that you need to address to alleviate the problem. As far as the sex life, I agree that she needs to get some counseling. I'm not sure what caused her bleeding after sex but since the doctor has treated her successfully then her only recourse now is therapy so she can recover her healthy sex life. That would be totally her call and decision however.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (1 July 2009):
 well perhaps for the sexual thing you may need to go to counselling i mean she clearly has issues arising due to a miscarriage she had when she was 15 which isn't easy for any girl at all and never will be.
she's probably afraid to have sex because of this and maybe feels if she does fall pregnant she will automatically lose it it's psychological she's too afraid to get into if you get me?
so definately need to get some counselling for her there to overcome this fear of the past and plod on through to the future and think ahead.
the guys well i think she does do this to get a reaction out of you see how protective you are over her because i've done it to guys because i want them to be jealous i know i know it's rude but i like the feel of them getting jealous and being protective over me she may want a reaction from you to see how you truly feel for her clearly you are deeply in love with her but maybe she wants more of a defense from you more of a prince charming reaction more protective so to speak.
i am not judging you i'm just saying from what i do i'd like a guy to sort of ride in and just want me all to himself and not want any other guy to come near me something to make me feel loved.
if it does bother you then you may want to talk to her about it just ask her why does she do it... and is it to get a reaction from you?
Hope this helps hun message me you need anything else :)
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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