A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Advice please Aunts and Uncles, I have being dating my older boyfriend for over 8 month. He has a 10 year old son who he sees every two weeks and all school holidays. His ex has now found out about me and now she’s demanding he has his son nearly every weekend, to the point he’s missing work through it. I haven’t met his son, as I know she’s going to be awkward about it. My boyfriend panders to her and she calls all the shots and he sets no boundaries with her, as he says she will stop him from seeing him. He just goes along with anything and everything to keep the peace with her and said he doesn’t want no stress. He’s told me there is no compromising and if I don’t like it I can walk away. I make no demands on him and I never want to come between him and his son. I want him to put his son first and I wouldn’t want to be with him if he didn’t. I don’t have any children and I have never been in a relationship with someone who has. I am just wanting advice on whether he does need to set some boundaries with her?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (27 January 2022):
 Buy this book for your boyfriend.
Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine. It's available in paperback e book or audible.
Tell him that if he want's to be a Man he needs to follow the advice in this book. Then leave him until he can be the man you need. You can't respect him until he respects himself enough to set his boundaries.
Hint: The man you need doesn't fix his ex wife's car, toilet or problems.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): Thank you for the advice everyone. I have walked away and as much as I feel heartbroken, I don’t think I could tolerate the frustration of the situation. He did lay the cards on the table and can’t understand why I have walked as he says ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’. I think deep down he did make his son an excuse and wants to do all these things for his ex. I’ve decided it’s not the life for me and I’m, not afraid to be single, I have a good life, job, friends and family and I don’t need this drama in my life. I would have loved to met his son and be a friend to him but the ex was just too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): Thanks for your clarification. Please allow me to also clarify something I said. When I said you knew what you were getting into; I meant you had some idea that being a divorcee, with a child, there's an ex-wife in the picture. Which almost always comes with the proverbial baby-mama-drama.
"When I say pander to her every whim, I meant he does things for her that has no connection to his son."
Precisely my point! Which also tells you he's only pretending to have no choice. He's does those things because he wants to.
"I asked from thr start was there going to problems with his sons mother and he assured me there wouldn’t be."
You wouldn't have asked this question unless you had some idea you'd have to meet the kid; and sooner or later, you'd have to deal with her as well. If you know that she calls the shots, and he jumps when she says to jump; it's easy to conclude she has a dominance over his attention and behavior. He uses the son as an excuse; but don't you forget he said:
"He just goes along with anything and everything to keep the peace with her and said he doesn’t want no stress. He’s told me there is no compromising and if I don’t like it I can walk away."
He seems to be laying everything out on the table. Are you listening to him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): Hi, I am the OP. I appreciate your answers, thank you.
When I say pander to her every whim, I meant he does things for her that has no connection to his son. He keeps the peace with her so he can see his son when ever he wants even though he hates doing different favours for her. He’s on edge when she rings him and doesn’t know what it’s about.
As for I know what I getting into, I actually didn’t! I asked from thr start was there going to problems with his sons mother and he assured me there wouldn’t be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2022): FYI, he's not as helpless as he's pretending to be. This drama is easily resolved by a judge. If she won't let him see his kid, he can have his visitation schedule changed or increased. If she is being temperamental, and unreasonable by using her son as a pawn; he should take note, and challenge her for child-custody down the road.
If he's paying his child-support on-time, and being a good father to his son; her baby-mama drama doesn't give her all the rights and privileges in the world. He can introduce his son whenever he's good and ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2022): "My boyfriend panders to her and she calls all the shots and he sets no boundaries with her, as he says she will stop him from seeing him. He just goes along with anything and everything to keep the peace with her and said he doesn’t want no stress. He’s told me there is no compromising and if I don’t like it I can walk away."
Then walk away.
If you decide to stay, that's on you. They're treating you like a party-crasher. Like you showed-up without an invitation. So conform, or walk.
He's a divorcee with a kid. You knew what was going-on from the get-go. It has been approximately 8 months; now you think the dynamics change, because you've stepped into the picture. You've been clearly advised that will not happen.
"He’s told me there is no compromising and if I don’t like it I can walk away."
What part of this do you not understand? Seems quite clear to me.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 January 2022):
In short every relationship needs boundaries. I would suggest that the court appointed visitation schedule should be the first boundary. I'm assuming that in Canada there is one because your government seems very through. If the exceptions to the visitation are becoming the rule, it is time to go back to court and renegotiate. If there is no court order, then this is a very good time to apply for 50/50 custody.
His son is now 10 years old and the next 5 years are the time when a fathers influence will most shape the man he will become. You are making the right choice to support him with increased visitation. Next his employment is a key part of his ability to be a good father and provider. The ex is acting against her sons best interests when she interferes with his dad's job. At 8 months you are a committed part of his life and soon his son will need to meet you. If you need a judge to enforce this meeting, get a family lawyer (your lawyer) working on it now.
The days are past when the mothers every whim was law. Judges won't stand for alienation. Use the system.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 January 2022):
 Sounds like she is causing a fuss now she knows there is someone new on the scene and she seems like one of those who wants to make as many waves as she possibly can.
My son is older now, so things have got a little easier, although she is still a part of my life to a certain extent as she is his mum. But when he was younger things were a nightmare, especially when it came to dating. She was controlling and manipulated every situation, and like your situation made it very difficult when i started dating someone new.
You say your partner is worried she will say he can't see him anymore. I don't think she will do this, as i'm sure she like's it when he goes to his dads as she can do what she wants to do.
Also i would advise that your boyfriend gets something offical in place from the courts that stipulates that he has rights to see his son on alocated times, and will give him piece of mind that she simply can't stop him from seeing his son.
Yes its hard dating someone with children, especially when you have someone like her causing waves for you.
It quite early days in your relationship, so just see how it goes and try not to get to involved in the intricacies of the relationship with him and his ex.
But i would certainly advise that he seeks legal advice with regards to seeing his son and get something put in place for when he see's him.
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