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male
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anonymous
writes:I gave my fiancee an ultimatum, fags or me. Am I being unfair?She is not really a heavy smoker, but is always craving for one. I feel guilty for making her do this, but she will be happier when she has finally quit for good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006): I used to smoke about 20 a day, Im 24 and had smoked since I was about 15. My boyf hated me smoking, he didnt make a massive deal out of it all the time but sometimes he would just say I wish you'd give up or Im sitting over here whilst you smoke that...I tried to quit twice for him but failed miserably - in the end I was hiding it from him and lying to him (although he knew because he could smell it on me but didnt say until I confessed!). The problem was I was always trying to quit for HIM not myself, last October I decided I wanted to quit I was sick of the cost the smell and really the dependancy I had on it. I have not smoked since then. What Im saying is I only feel I managed it this time because there was no pressure from my boyfriend to quit and it was me who wanted it not him - I was doing this for ME, I wanted it. If your girlf doesnt want to quit she never will no matter how hard she tries, she needs to get in a state where she wants it to enable her to accomplish it. I suggest rather than an ultimatem gently plant the seed in her head, "think of the money you'd save if you didnt smoke".."Think of the health issues smoking causes"..Every once in a while in a nice way you can plant the seed but she needs to let it grow before being ready to say enough is enough Im gonna do this! Hope this makes sense! x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have now said that I dont mind if she smokes, so she went straight to shops and got some.
I suppose I will just have to put up with it, oh well...
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (23 September 2006):
 It's very nice of you to worry but she is not a heavy drinker of a cocaine addict you should help and supprt her, ansd if she doesn't want to give up and you really love her u shouldn't drop her
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (23 September 2006):
 It's alot harder to give up an addiction when you don't want to give it up, I still believe an altimatum is a bad idea, maybe try telling her that you don't like it and would like her to give up if not for you but for her own health and the health of others around her, also telling her that you will support her and help her in anyway you can while she is trying to give up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEvery day, she is saying she wants to smoke. She smoked once and admitted to me that she did.
She does not want to quit smoking, so I cant support her
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (23 September 2006):
An addiction has to be given up when the person with the addiction wants to, that is the best way for the best result.
Giving someone an ultimatum will only really ever cause them to be resentful or sneaky about it, that is if your altimatum hasn't annoyed her and caused her to pick fags over you in temper.
Surely you love her even with this addiction, personally I would take back your altimatum and and just support her in giving up if thats what she wants to do.
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