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male
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*dkev2004
writes: I am a 45 year old male. I entered into a relationship with a woman who is 39. She met me at a gathering this past summer for my sister's college graduation and came up to me and told me that she wanted me. Since then, we have tried to maintain a relationship. I found out early on that she was an alcoholic, she suffered from the disease of addiction. I confronted her and we were supposedly working together to keep the relationship. I have made significant sacrifices to be with her, from being embarassed by her behavior once she drinks to having to move from a beautiful home that I was sharing expenses at and now live in my sister's basement. I love this woman and really want to be with her but this past weekend she hurt me so bad, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate on anything. Last Tuesday I wanted to leave her because her drinking causes so many problems. I went to her home, sat her down like a man and told her how I felt lovingly, she cried and said she didn't want to break up and that she would do whatever it took to maintain the relationship. So I hung in there with her, because I believed her and didn't want to hurt her. Friday, since I've been between jobs, I was having some trouble maintaining gas in my vehicle, she called while I was on the other line with a contractor and said she had gas money for us, I said ok kool, can you call me back, she said ok, and I never heard another word from her. Yesterday at around 12 noon, I packed the things she had here at my house and took them to her house only to find out that she wasn't even at home. She didn't return as far as I know all night long, I called to try to find out why she was doing all this, my last call was at 10:00 p.m. I did speak with her mother who said that she may be doing this because she didn't want to hear me say anything about her drinking. But whatever she was doing she isn't going to stop. I never tried to stop her, I only asked her to control her drinking. She has no friends, and if she's been gone all night long, then she has to have been out with another man. She's a loner. No girlfriends at all. I don't know why she did this to me when I gave her three opportunities to walk away from this relationship. She didn't even have enough respect to call me and say hey I can't do this anymore. I need help, I'm so hurt,and I know she's with another man, because I feel she knows that's the only way to make sure I'll never come back to her, because I'll never touch any woman who sleeps with another man. I don't know what to do, I just wnat to talk to her to find out why, just tell me why.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): It's very painful to watch someone you care about struggling with alcoholism. It's best if you stop attempting to reason or understand WHY she's gone. If you do see her again, you won't get any straight answers anyways. Asking her 'why' and what she needs in this relationship, is not productive because she likely won't know 'why', herself. As an alcoholic she is addicted and an addict cannot stop on her own. Don't threaten or try to coerce the alcoholic, but rather get help for her and also for yourself, to help you cope with being in a relationship with an addict. Dealing with alcoholics is stressful. Their lives are in turmoil and they are in serious denial. Repeated promises get broken when centered around drinking.
Have you considered that maybe it's likely she may be on a "drinking binge" somewhere and not necessarily with another man. One thing you could do if she comes back, would be to confront her about how her behavior while drinking affects you. Let her know what it's like for you to deal with her when she is drinking. Do this only when she is sober and able to hear you and hopefully understand what you're saying. Don't try this when the she has been drinking. Your words will fall on deaf ears. Let her know you want her to seek help and that you will support her.
Even if you fail to make an impact on her and she refuses help, you should get help for yourself by going to a professional counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist or other mental health professional. Also, you can seek help from Alcoholic's Anonymous or Alanon. Alanon in particular, is a group for persons living with alcoholics, and can offer help and guidance for dealing with the stresses of the toxicity of these type of dysfunctional relationships.
But hun, if you do think she's been with another man and it turns out to be true-think of where you will go from there. As hard as it is-do end this relationship as it's dragging you under. Yes, you will be hurt and the pain will break your heart. You will grieve the loss and slooowly recover. It will take time. But still consider some counseling because it sounds like her alcoholism has inflicted some serious emotional wounds on you. Alcoholism can leave scars that can totally control a persons life long after the relationship with an alcoholic is over. You need to take care of YOU so you can move forward and find happiness with yourself and live a meaningful, fullfilling life without this woman. I wish you the best of luck, dear
Hugs
Irish
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (4 October 2005):
 You've said it all yourself. You had a girlfriend who was an alcoholic and said she would change for the sake of the relationship but didnt, gave her three chances to walk away and talk about things, and tried to give her the support she needed all that while. And now shes just plainly ignored you and left without a word nor explanation!! To sum it all up, shes put you through hell!! So its high time you left her and let her sort herself out. Shes only going to continue to hurt you and sometimes you have to be selfish when it comes to your heart. What shes doing isnt fair on you and I suggest you leave her now and do it quick before you get dragged in again.
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reader, pops +, writes (4 October 2005):
Alcoholics can't control their drinking so don't expect the impossible. They have a disease. And the only thing they can do to help themselves is to stop. She is not ready to stop, and her mother was honest with you about that. Get a new woman, and start a new life. Stay away from her, as your being there is actually not what she needs to get well. She needs professional counseling and tough love. If you want to get a better grip on the subject, contact Al-Anon, the organization of partners and family members of alcoholics. Its a great support group for people like you.
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