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male
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anonymous
writes: We were best friends for 4 years and extremely close when we both discovered a deep attraction for each other. For another two years we secretly met up to spend time with each other.To be honest, she made the first move, but I felt so attached that it seemed the right thing to do. What we have is the strongest, most important relationship in our lives.After a long time resisting, we "consummated" our relationship, and this wonderful development just made us stronger.Here's the thing - we are both in other relationships. I won’t make pathetic excuses as I'm sure many readers will react badly to this news, but this relationship gradually crept up on us, and it seemed right, despite the guilt and shame.However, neither of us could face the prospect of telling our partners, so we didn't try to formalise that relationship. Now, two years later and I’m still a walking zombie - I love her with all my being and while she has made it clear that we can now never leave her partner, I keep wishing and hoping.I gave this woman - still my best friend - everything, and now I have no feelings left for my partner. I fear that I'm staying with my partner for the wrong reasons, and feel that maintaining my pretence of a relationship with her is preventing her from finding a partner who will give her the love and attention she deserves. This might sound ironic given the way I’ve behaved, but having made such a mess of things, I want to try and do what’s best.Have I just found myself in a situation where I am unable to have a relationship with either woman? I'm not looking for and don’t expect sympathy, but request any clear headed advice you may have. As I said above, I didn't start the affair, but feel so frustrated now that after giving everything to it, I am left with nothing. How do I get out of this with some degree of self respect?Archie
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (4 May 2006):
 You can start with the word MAN. Men do what they must now matter how hard the decision may be. In this case you have your partner and your best friend. My advice to you, coming from a man who knows first hand, let your partner go. Let her explore the world and find herself. You also need time alone to get your emotions in check. What you had was a fling, granted it was with your "best friend" it was a fling nevertheless. "To thy own self be true". Your "best friend" has let it be known that you all will have nothing more than what you had. Scrape up the rest of your dignity and move on. Keep your head up.
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