A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a girlfriend who has a very good best friend. They do everything together and hang out all the time. I'm alright with this and I understand. She is a texter and is constantly texting a lot of people. Normally she lets me grab her phone and use it for whatever reason but recently this has stopped. Curiosity got the best of me and I went through her text messaging history, and violated her privacy. I found that she had sent messages to her best friend using "hun" and "babe" which is her pet names for me. Upon further reading I learned that he says he loves her and that he will "dream of her" that night. I don't know what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess all guys are idiots....
One night when we were about to fall asleep, as I leaned across her to put my glasses down I saw her phone as she was reading a text message. I saw that it was from that friend, and I read "Goodnight love." I also saw that she was deleting it as I read it. Now we have the exact same phone so I know what I saw. She denied it, and says that it read "Goodnight kiddo" and we went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and grabbed her phone. I don't know if I was going to look in it, but she caught me and proceeded to get mad at me. (as she should) Saying how I don't trust her.
Anyways, so a few days after the fact, I still don't believe her and I tell her this. I tell her that I think her friend is acting differently lately and that he has stronger feelings for her. I tell her that maybe she doesn't know this, but I can tell. I also tell her that I know what I saw and that I don't believe her. That her friend never uses the word kiddo, and that I saw her deleting that message. She tells me that she was deleting all of her messages, which was a lie. Then I tell her that I'm sorry for peaking through her phone and that I read "Goodnight love" from him on a separate occurence. She got really mad and told me to go home.
As I was leaving, she texts me and tells me that I broke her heart.
That's basically the last I've heard from her.
A
female
reader, abbeymom +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Part of being in an loving, caring and communicative relationship means just that. Speaking the truth. If you don't like it tell her. You don't have to accuse her, or say you don't trust her or get upset over their friendship.
You can use the word "I" instead of "you" and speak what you are feeling as you did here asking your question.
"I feel insecure and upset because I feel as though there is something more going on between you and (friend) and I cannot help how I feel. I feel I should be honest with you because I feel trust is important between us. I don't wish to make you angry or upset you. I just want you to know I don't like the idea of you and (friend) to spend so much time together. Sometimes even our friends can have feelings for us and even if we don't act on it we are opening doors by encouraging them when that may not even be our intention."
If you speak truthfully it will work out. If she gets defensive and angry she is hiding something friendship with this guy or not. If there is nothing to hide why get defensive then about it?
Insecurity isn't just created by ourselves it's also created by those around us not giving us the answers we need, the understanding to listen when we are hurting and the care and consideration to give a damn when we feel unsure about things even if they don't agree our feelings...
Good luck
~ Abbeymom
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Please let us know how it goes. Remember, calm and loving, calm and loving.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha: Your solution is perfect. I am definitely going to have to try that.
Everyone else: your answers are helpful.
Thank you all for helping me through this troublesome time.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (29 August 2008):
 i answered this question and my post isnt showing up! is it just me?!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 August 2008):
Hey hun, sorry to tell you this but many people use hun and babe all the time. If she called him her special snookie bear then it would be different, but they are pretty generic terms.
As for his feelings towards her, yes, he might be in love with her. But that doesn't mean anything is going to happen. She may be getting defensive simply because she doesn't want you to get all macho and go off on a killing spree. If you are down on her friend then she is going to protect him because of loyalty, that's what friends do.
You don't have to like him, but as long as your girl knows that she is getting nothing but love, trust and affection from you then she is not going to be pushed towards him. If you continue to attack her over time spent with him and their relationship then he's going to have a good chance at making you out to be the angry bad guy.
Leave him to it, it's you she loves not him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2008):
You're in a tricky spot, I see. You can't confront her because she's already defensive about this friend.
One comment I have to make about the 'hon' and 'babe' thing; I find myself inadvertently using those exact endearments with people other than my husband, and it really doesn't mean anything other than they are friends of mine and I think using those words have become a bit of a habit.
You didn't say that she returned the 'I love you, I'll dream about you' sentiment, so I'm assuming she didn't. It may be that this friend does care about her as more than a friend, and she is aware of this, obviously, but has no intention of being anything other than a friend. She may enjoy feeling that someone else fancies her but doesn't intend to do anything about it.
Then again, she may be engaged in an emotional affair with him and gets defensive because she's feeling guilty.
Look, I think you need to have a calm talk with her about him again, yes, I'm sure you've tried already but I want you to try this way. Don't let on that you have gone through her phone. Start a conversation with her when you're both at home and quiet and relaxed.
Tell her that you are a bit worried that she and her friend are getting so close that she may be emotionally involved with him in a way that might start to cross the friend/boyfriend line. If she gets angry and defensive, remain calm, wait for the outburst to subside and calmly respond that the fact that she gets so heated about this has you concerned that she is feeling guilty about it. Tell her that you just want to air your concerns, in a calm and caring manner, but are finding the angrily defensive posture she's taking puzzling and worrisome. Tell her that you've noticed a change in how she handles her phone; that she no longer seems to trust you with it. She'll have a choice to make then, either show you the phone to erase your doubts or refuse to do so and thereby let you know that you are onto something there.
The trick here is to stay calm, keep your voice low and steady, remain loving and gentle. Do not match any loud words or angry outbursts in kind, that will just escalate into a general fight and the point you are trying to make will be lost.
You're not trying to deprive her of her best friend, you're just trying to understand their connection, that's what you're trying to get across to her.
Now, you could be very right and she is starting to cross that line. Good news bad news. The good news is that you know about it and can keep an eye on it, and be prepared to tackle it if it does seem it's going too far. Bad news is that she'll know you're suspicious and start to get more secretive. But either way you'll get to the bottom of it.
The angrier she gets about it, the calmer you're going to have to be. She's going to look hysterical if you maintain your composure and eventually she'll realize that she's making herself look bad and calm down. If she doesn't, you can end the discussion by saying that someone who is feeling guilty reacts like that. Someone with nothing to hide will calmly discuss their actions.
I don't know if this will help you, it's just my take on it.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's all fine to say but I don't want to tell her that I don't trust her. We've talked about her and that friend numerous times. As soon as I mention anything about it she gets angry and tells me that they are just friends. What if I'm wrong and it's nothing? I will have ended this otherwise wonderful relationship over nothing. I don't think she would forgive me.
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