A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife has led a very checked past. She had sex from a very early age with many men, several times with total strangers, and has even experienced (once) sex with 2 men at the same time. When we dated, she told me all of this and I thought I could handle it, and have for many years. Recently, all of this stuff has come flooding back to my mind and has made me feel insecure. I know she loves me and I'm sure she has been faithful during our marriage, so I don't really know why this has all came back to me (my age, maybe - just crossed the 50's boundary). One of the things we've always done is talk, at night in bed, before going to sleep. She has very patiently answered any questions I've had about her previous life and has been as honest as she could be. One thing I'd never asked her until last night was if she had ever had an affair with a married man. She told me she had and started crying. She didn't want to tell me this because she knew that it would plant a seed of distrust, which I must admit it has done. Most of the affairs she has had in her life she initiated. She really likes sex and told me that in her younger years (before we were married) she really liked to have sex with men as often as she could. I know she is not cheating and hope she never will, but with this kind of past, it is starting to make me wonder, especially with the revelation of initiating the affair with a married man, even though it was years ago. sigh I hate feeling this way, but it sure is preying on my mind today...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): From the lady on Feb 10th - she has told me that her family didn't express their love to her (or her siblings) while growing up and I've wondered myself if that didn't have something to do with all of the sexual escapades. I think that she, too, was looking for a loving relationship and initiated sex early in the relationship attempting to achieve love and feel loved. She's been very open and candid with me on this subject, so I'm almost certain that's where she is coming from. I don't want to hurt her or condem her for her "prior" life, yet it still bothers me considerably - especially knowing about the married man episode. I think I'll just have to somehow put this behind us - I just don't know how to do it at this point. I love her dearly and just pray that she'll always remain faithful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007): I feel like you need to talk to her and maybe she will open up more. I don't know what it was like for her growing up, but her past experience with men is a lot like mine. I basically was looking for love in all the wrong places as the song goes. I never could "find" that one love and I did not know what love really was to begin with. I thought I had to search for it because I never had it growing up, the way "most" kids do or should with their parents. No one told me and no one expressed it. I am 40yrs old now and quite the opposite person from when I was a teenager to my mid 20's. I hope you can get her to open up. I don't think it really has to do with the married guy, I think it was "the moment" for some tears. It probably had her thinking. Just let her know when and if she ever wants to talk, always let her know that you will be there to listen, not to judge and that you love her with all your heart. That is what it took for me...time to open up and let it out - ask GOD to forgive me, understand why I did what I did and pray never again for it to happen. Having the best of friends who really care about me are what made it possible. Good luck to you both.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): Thank you, Taste of India. What a wonderful reply! Deep in my heart, I know all of this. I think I just needed reassurance, because yesterday (after the revelation of the married man), I was feeling pretty melancholy. She has been the best wife a man could ask for (18years) and the best mother our children could ever want. I didn't live a saintly life, either, and she knows all about it and doesn't fear because of it. 'Guess it was just one of those things that hit home and gave me the jitters. Again, India, thank you for the kind words and sagely advice!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 February 2007):
 You seem like a good man and she seems like a good woman. I know it's hard to hear this sort of thing, and I know you realize that the past is the past.
I think it's important to ecognize that your wife was young and didn't know what it was like to be on the 'other side' of an affair. SHE wasn't married, HE was. She was young and what she was doing wasn't a reality to her. Now that she herself is married, it must be much harder for her to look back at these moments of her life. Now she can fully understand the hurt that she must've caused.
She knows she's made some mistakes, and I think you need to trust that she's not going to betray you like that. She's never cheated and you know that she probably never will. Her past has nothing to do with anything. She's with YOU now. She can't take back the stupid things she's done. Plus, she has been completely honest with you about everything that she's been through. That has to account for something!
There are somethings that you'll always regret doing. This is one of them for her. I think that you need to recognize this is a regret for her and she's not going to make that mistake again. She's with you. She loves you. You don't have anything to worry about.
Those are my thoughts.... sounds like you have a good wife.
xxIndia
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