A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can ANYONE here tell me HOW and WHY A MAN can go behind his wife or girlfriend's back to GET A BLOW JOB or HAVE MEANINGLESS CASUAL SEX here and there and CLAIM to LOVE his wife or girlfriend??? And PRETEND to be committed to his primary relationship?????? Someone PLEASE help me get into the MALE MIND. Why are some men such DOGS? Why is what they have at home never enough for them, even when you swing from chandeliers trying to give them EVERYTHING they want and THEN SOME???? It is NEVER GOOD ENOUGH! They need to go get a BLOW JOB from some STRANGE WHORE? When they have it ALL WITH YOU????? How is a beautiful, sexy, young wife NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR AN OLD MAN!!!?!?????What the fuck is wrong with some men?????? I would never go give some strange guy a blow job while I am married or have some strange guy eat me out while I am MARRIED???? PENETRATE ME WHILE I AM MARRIED?????? WTF?????IS SOMETHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH MEN????? THAT SOME OF THEM ARE DISGUSTING SEXUAL DEVIANTS WHO HIDE THEIR BEHAVIOUR, PRETENDING TO LOVE YOU? AND BE A GOOD GUY? COMMITTED TO YOU? YET TROLLING AROUND AND FUCKING OTHER WOMEN??????Can someone help me understand!!! I am in AGONY!!!! I caught my husband doing that to me!!!! AND ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Why am I not good enough??? I do everything for him sexually. I am a good person and a good wife!!!! I have NOT confronted him yet. He will LIE!!!!I feel like going out and FUCKING someone just to GET EVEN!!!!! Or I will never rest!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 April 2021):
 Good for you OP to realize YOUR worth here.
You are going to be fine. IF this hadn't hurt you, you wouldn't have been that invested. It is natural to be hurt and angry. As long as you remember to leave that hurt and anger behind when you divorce him.
You can do better, and you WILL do better.
Get your ducks in a row BEFORE you tell him. SERVE him with divorce papers. Depending on what state you live in, (some are no-fault which means infidelity means nothing legally) TALK to a lawyer on the best way to get it done and done FAST so you can recover, move on and start living life without him.
And the best of luck OP. It's not a nice thing to find out that someone you LOVE can have so little regard for you, the marriage, the family that he CHOSE to cheat. You will have to think of this as an "it is what it is, and I will make the BEST choice for ME and my kids".
Just a little sidenote to Anon female:
To the anon who said :
"Honey pie is actually wrong . Statistically men still cheat at a much higher rate than women. Don’t believe me ? Look up the actual research done on this by some of the universities and social science centres."
First of all, I didn't say that women cheaters were AS high in numbers as men. Secondly, Do you understand statistics? You can bend numbers to get whatever output you want (within reason and depending on how and who and where you ask). Statistics for MANY things should be taken with a grain of salt. Yeah, I have studied statistics. It is a slippery beast. For some things, statics NEVER "lie" because the data used as input is "pure" but when it comes to people and them answering "honestly" there is always an added variant of "lies" that you can not verify 100%.
The studies you mention are based on ASKING people about infidelity. People lie. And I'd say with infidelity women probably lie at a higher rate,( NOW that is ONLY a guess), but in general, I think women would be a LOT less proud of having chated. So if they can omit that knowledge even in an anonymous study... I think some would. Because I think women struggle more with the MORAL of the issue than men. I could be wrong there.
This article explains it well. https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/do-men-cheat-more-than-women-infidelity-data/
https://gen.medium.com/the-future-of-infidelity-is-female-4e2da7cc7037
Regardless, married women DO cheat a LOT more than we (as in society) expect. If you don't believe me this of THIS statistic..
"Most paternity test labs report that about 1/3 of their paternity tests have a 'negative' result. Of all the possible fathers who take a paternity test, about 32% are not the biological father."
What the actual heck?!. THAT is 1 in 3 why have paternity tests done that come up with a WOMAN either not knowing who is the daddy or having several partners at the same time - aka - cheating. And to think that these DNA tests are ONLY done... when there is a baby as a result. Then you have ALL the people who might never find out that Dad isn't their dad.
Now of course statistics on this don't really factor in cheating. Or how many MEN father babies outside of their marriage. But it does tell ME that there is a LOT of women who not only sleep around with MULTIPLE people but also have unprotected sex with these partners.
https://dnatesting.com/30-of-men-not-the-father/#:~:text=Most%20paternity%20test%20labs%20report,are%20not%20the%20biological%20father.
The reality is that people who cheat SUCK. Regardless of numbers, sexes and everything else. They just SUCK.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 April 2021):
 Sadly OP, you probably never will trust your husband again, at least not totally. The odds are if you stay with him you will always wonder where he is if he's late or what he's doing when he doesn't call or is he REALLY just going to the store? Some relationships can recover from infidelity but most do not.
I agree that you shouldn't just group men together and assume that they all cheat. They don't. Women cheat too! Why do cheaters cheat?? The list goes on and on..some do it because they aren't in love with their partner, some are bored, for some its a game, and for some just because they know they can.
You are angry and hurt...both very natural feelings but going off on a rage won't solve anything. Deep down inside you know this. Give yourself a little time to cool down and figure out what is it that you truly want to do. You can try marriage counselling if you are both willing to try. If you can't see yourself forgiving and moving on, then get everything in a row and file for a divorce. No one should have to wonder if their mate is faithful and watch their mate's every move always wondering..always worried..always sick to their stomach.
I say all of this with deep compassion for you...I have been where you are. My ex husband cheated with a co-worker, got her pregnant and got remarried before the ink had even dried on our divorce papers. The divorce was very quick because we were young and had nothing to fight over except our 2 year old daughter. It hurt like hell. It took me 3 years to completely recover. The only thing that made it laughable to me was that 3 months after he remarried he came back to me sniffing around, saying he had "made a mistake"....yeah right....forget it buddy. He's been married and divorced 5 times now. Cheated on every single wife. Cheaters just keep on cheating...
It won't be easy but if you chose to divorce, it will get easier with time. I promise. Just don't let blind rage allow you to make bad decisions ok? Make sure you get what you deserve and need if you end things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2021): once a cheater always a cheater.Never blame yourself...This is all him.He does it because he is a dirty dog.He was not raised with the morals of most.It is not your fault.It is his poor charater.Time to leave that donkey.Get therapy so you can learn how to trust again.Get a very good lawyer and take him for everything with no guilt because that is what he deserves.Do something nice just for you as you deserve it.The best revenge is living well.Luck and happiness be with you in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): Honey pie is actually wrong . Statistically men still cheat at a much higher rate than women. Don’t believe me ? Look up the actual research done on this by some of the universities and social science centres
I totally understand why the IP is asking about whether men are even capable of being faithful when so many cheat
However OP some times yoh just have to accept that yes a majority of men are cheats but a small percentage dont . You are worth waiting for one of the small percentage or staying single
Either is better than the guy you are with
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2021): To the male anon who said he had meaningless, casual sex with 2 married women, just know there is more than meets the eye. When a woman goes outside her marriage to have sex with another man it means she is unhappy in her marriage, likely emotionally dissatisfied or even disconnected. Women are not built for casual sex. When they agree to it, just know they are at the point of DESPERATION. Or she is insecure and copes with her insecurities by having extra curricular sex. No sex is purely casual anyway. There are always forces that drive people to do it. I could get into the psychology of it all but that would take too long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2021): Probably the wrong answer but married 40 years, had two flings with married women who were having MEANINGLESS CASUAL SEX and giving BLOW JOB. I'm pretty sure my wife did the same thing with her boss. It spices things up.
Give him hell and move on or divorce him.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (14 April 2021):
 Shhhhhhh.............calm down please!!
Getting angry and yelling is n't hurting him.....it's hurting YOU and your health!!
Men can be dogs yes and often go out to get what they don't get at home or it may be that he sees you as an angelic motherly woman and he just can't ask you to do the sorts of things he wants to do in bed!!Sex and love are two different things....it's possible to love you yes and have dirty kinky sex with Tiffany or Candy!!
sex is physical and love is emotional.....men can separate the two( we can't but they CAN)
Do not confront him......let silence speak for you and do not talk to him again until his behavior changes and he apologizes!!
HE IS 100% WRONG!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): It is the OP. My ego is hurt. My pride is hurt. My heart is hurt. I am just HURT.The woman he fucked is NOWHERE near as attractive; she is just easy. I am much younger than my husband. I work out every day. I am in great shape. I have amazing stamina in bed and I am very adventurous. He has it all with me. But it will never be enough for a cheater.I have other options WiseOwlE. I will have to hold off during this AWFUL pandemic!!! That sucks but I will be back on the saddle again!! He is definitely not the best I can do. Why do we women hold on? Because we love them and I guess our bond and connection is strong. When we love the guy, we become sexually possessive. Of course we do not want another woman to have him! Even if he is an asshole. I guess that is primal, based on evolution. He is the one who we share kids with and he is the one we selected as our mate, above other men, for life to raise our kids and share a family. So we have an INVESTMENT in the man who is our husband and father of our children. We are not having CASUAL sex with him! So, we do not want to lose him! We have spent years with him! It is understandable! I think these days women over 40 are not has beens. We live in a society where older women take care of themselves. And honestly, the older I have become, the more confident I am, and empowered in myself. I do not want to be 20! I am more fit, more confident and more sexy today. Let's just erase a few wrinkles and I will be perfect! LOL I guess I do not want to be alone. Some people don't. I have always had male companionship and that is what I prefer. I don't take relationships lightly. And I am pretty picky. So, I would be afraid it would take a long time to find a suitable replacement. Or maybe I won't? But nothing to do with ME. More like the quality of men out there. My friends said I can be alone and happy. But again I am not that type. I enjoy sex and I don't want it with casual men and I don't want germs or men who won't call me back or give a shit about me. I want a genuine relationship. A man who can fuck you AND love you. But one thing is for sure, marriage is not in my cards ever again. I will begin divorce proceedings. I have no choice. I will not allow him to walk all over me, thinking he can do whatever he wants. HE IS A MARRIED MAN. He lost all rights to fucking around when he said I DO! But now he will have all the time he wants! And someday, sooner than later, he will be REGRETTING WHAT HE LOST!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): P.S.
If you're just full of bluster and rage; and you're going to turn right around and keep him. Don't expect your threats, tongue-lashing, and constant nagging to change him! Where is there room for love when you're angry and suspicious? While he's out casually boinking other women?
Keeping him is proof you feel helpless; and that impowers and enables him. He knows he has the upper-hand; because you are afraid to do anything about it, but fuss, cuss, and scream. He's counting on this blowing over; because like so many women over 40, they keep no-good cheating-men. They become addicted to drama. Maybe that's because they fear they'd be alone, and unable to replace him; or they can't stand the thought that other women have taken him from her. So...what's the deal in your case?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): You are obviously enraged and distraught about this. Please don't do anything foolish. Tit for tat and revenge is usually the first thought to come to mind; but two wrongs won't make it right, and it will not undo what he did.
He's a cheater. They rationalize and make excuses for what they do. They will insist that they love you, but their actions contradict what they say. They'll lie to your face to avoid the consequences. If given no consequences, they are apt to do it again. No telling how many times he has done this and was never caught. Cheaters are only sorry they got caught; they are given a moment of ponderance and reflection to decide whether to go through with it. It's a choice, and they are fully accountable for their actions.
Your husband had sex with another woman. Now you're angry. You can be vengeful and scornful; or you can just divorce him. Vengeance or sleeping with another man will only give you a brief sense of satisfaction. He'll then use that as an excuse to do the same. Where would it end?
Best solution to all this, is a divorce. Regain your composure and dignity. Being crazy and full of rage will help nothing. Get a lawyer!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 April 2021):
 I think that going out and sleeping with someone else just to get back at him is a really bad idea.
At the end of the day you married the wrong man, you married a liar and a cheat.
I agree with honeypie, as many woman as men cheat these days, so you can't just blame this as a man thing, I know you want to because of what he has done to you.
Will he ever change?. I doubt not, invariable leopards don't change their spots, and he will continue this behaviour.
Trust is one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together, once this trust barrier has been broken the damage is often irreparable and the relationship is doomed to fail.
Personally I don't think you are going to be able to trust him again, so my advice would be so seek legal advice and get the ball rolling with regards to getting a divorce, and don't tell him what you plans are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2021):
For one, I'm sorry you are married to a man with a mindset like this. The "cheater mindset".
Secondly, YOU going out and doing whatever sexually with someone else is NOT going to make this right, it's not going to make YOU feel better. It would be you getting into the GUTTER and being JUST as bad a partner as your husband.
As far as the sexes it seems women cheat almost as much as men these days. So this isn't just an "all men" thing.
This is a " you are married to a cheater" issue.
Instead of thinking you can someone get back at him, get even or get revenge by having sex with someone else, maybe you need to consider if this is a man you WISH to stay married to, to stay loyal to - OR if this is something the marriage can not recover from. If it's the latter, Get as much evidence (you obviously have some if you know he did this) and then without telling him, FILE for divorce, kick him out and end the marriage. Then work on moving on, perhaps even see a counselor so YOU don't have to carry around all that bitterness and anger, so YOU can start FRESH.
You ask: "Why am I not good enough????"
YOU are. He is not. HE made the choice to cheat with no care for you, the marriage, or your life together because it's what HE wanted at that moment. Some selfish instant gratification. There is no excuse for it.
You say: "I am a good person and a good wife!!!!" Then HE doesn't deserve you.
DO NOT take the responsibility if HIS actions on your shoulders. The cheating is not about you. He wanted something sordid and he got it. THAT is on him.
Find a divorce lawyer asap if that is what you want.
I know, I would.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): It`s not just men. I wasted 10 years of my life with a woman just like that. Well, the ball is in your court. Live with or move on. If you can`t bring yourself to end it and move on, then just accept it.
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