A
male
age
51-59,
*ndy90210
writes:I saw my wife cheating on me with a guy but I found it a turn-on.We’ve been married for ten years and have two daughters. We’re both 35 and have jobs.Two days ago I got home early from work because I had a doubt that my wife was cheating on me and I wanted to confirm it. The reason I had this doubt was because each week my wife would ask me when I'd be coming home. 2 or 3 times a week she would ask me this. Mostly on Thursdays and Fridays. At first I didn't care much because she said her reason for asking was to know whether I could pick up the kids from school. And, every time I had to say no because I usually come home late in the evening.When this kept on going, I got suspicious. So, last Friday I wanted to confirm my suspicions and I did. But, instead of being angry I found myself feeling aroused. Now, I'm confused about my feelings and haven't yet told my wife that I know about the affair. I am hurt but also turned on at the some time. I don't know what to do? Am I weird?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 August 2017):
You're turned on by being cuckolded. To me it's weird but apparently it is a common fetish. You should talk to your wife about it. Perhaps you can make it work for the two of you, strange as that sounds.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): The other guy is a pig trying to take what belongs to another man! Your wife clearly was vulnerable FOR SOME REASON and he TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE of that!
Turned on that another guy had sex with your wife? Hmmmm. Sorry, but I don't get it. You should be ANGRY at HIM and at HER. He was trying to do your job, bud. He was using her body for pleasure. That is what you are supposed to be doing. Mutually. And worst of all, she LET him.
I think very low of a man who knows a woman is married and uses her for sex. That is the lowest of low. Maybe you can see what kind of a parasite this low life is! A guy can choose to walk away. A guy with honour and integrity would not mess with another dude's wife! I know plenty of men who have turned down MARRIED women! They have INTEGRITY. It just ain't right! And it's because they know for a woman to want sex outside a marriage, she has got to be a little messed up and choose to stay away. So, what if she is attractive? That would be beside the point! The point IS that she was VULNERABLE and he USED her FULLY KNOWING THIS. He MANIPULATED her into having sex with him. Using her vulnerabilities against her to get what he wants. That is scum. This guy is a player and he has done this before!
Women do not go outside their marriage for sex unless there is something very wrong; something is missing. What is missing? Have you been paying her enough attention? Does work or kids get in the way? WHY did she feel a need to go to another man to feel SPECIAL? Is she going through some sort of personal crisis? Women in affairs usually have an emotional tie to the other guy and the sex follows. I am sure it was somebody who was a friend of acquaintance and they started to share intimate conversations and over time it naturally progressed to sex. What gave this guy an IN to sweep in and take over? What is going on in your marriage? What is going on with her? Be honest with yourself.
Please know I am NOT blaming you for the affair. This was your wife's CHOICE. She did not have to go there. Could have stopped it. Or never even started it. She did it knowing the consequences and chose to go forward anyway. She just didn't care who it hurt. What matters most to her is her fantasy bubble away from reality. It was not a mistake. A one night stand might have been. Let's say she had sex with him and then felt guilty and ended it. You could live with that. But obviously this has been on going. And in your own house??? WOW!!! I think you need to get ANGRY here. It is the only way you can work through this mess. Feelings of ANGER are absolutely NECESSARY.
It is time to confront her. Maybe you need to wait until he is at the house with her and walk in. She might just deny it any other way.
Some people try to save the marriage. But WHY? For your children? She is the one who stepped out on all of you. She could have dealt with her dissatisfaction in other ways. How about by talking to you for starters? Her actions have determined her character. And her love for you. WHAT LOVE? A woman who loves her husband would never stoop low enough to hurt him this way. Love is never selfish. To hit him where he lives. In his manhood. Even if you went to counselling, it is my sincere belief that you would live with nightmares of her cheating for as long as you remain married. You will have a very shaky foundation holding you together and the rest of your days together, which would be numbered, would be anxiety ridden and wrought with arguments about trust. You would never trust her again. You will try but come up short over and over again. You would always worry she would meet some other guy and start all over again. At your place again? While you are at work? At his place? A hotel? What are you going to do? Start to follow her around? Watch her phone? It is going to drive absolutely INSANE having to constantly monitor her. Because you will never feel safe and secure again in her presence. She took that away from you. So, think about that. How long can you stand the voices in your own head telling you to watch your back? Always being in a tug of war between feelings of wanting to trust her and feelings of not being able to trust her? It just makes you feel like shit. Worthless.
I was married for 18 years. There was one time during my marriage that I was TEMPTED with another man. But I STOPPED myself and I cut contact. WHY? Because even though I knew my marriage was over - it would have to be if I was entertaining thoughts of other men - I did not want to HURT my then husband by having an affair on him. I knew that it would destroy him. So, I stopped. And I left him instead. Then about 6 months later, I started dating again. But, I just could not swallow the thought of hurting him like that because I no longer loved him. It was so CRUEL!!! Not to mention SELFISH!! Men especially are hurt when their wife or GF sleeps with another man. They define themselves by their sexual prowess more than we do and their ego's are more fragile. So, to do this would be a long, hard slap in the face to any man.
It's your choice how to proceed. But when you really let it sink in, you will probably want to kick that guy's ass. And you will be furious with your wife. The perverted thoughts of being turned on are fleeting.
I think that if you choose to forgive her, you are going to have a long, hard road ahead. Mainly because you will never be able to trust her again not to do the same thing. You NOW know what she is CAPABLE of. I have been there, done that. In the end, lack of trust is what will kill your marriage. You will push her away for good because you are going to be bitter and resentful, maybe not always on the surface, but deep inside your soul. It is hard to ever let go of this kind of betrayal. It cuts deep. No matter how much you want to.
Wishing you well.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 August 2017):
I think you should confront her.
Go to couples therapy, or cut things.
What would happen if she caught you cheating? She would probably leave you on the street.
So you can either cheat on her too, move on with a non-cheating woman, or forgive her .
Forget about being turned on. Please, don't mention this to her because she will keep doing what she is doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): An affair is a bad thing if she is falling in love with this other guy, there are not many guys that can share their wife and accept that she loves you and some other guy, there are many people that get turned on by the fact of another guy PLEASING his wife.
Sometimes with a bigger member giving their wife sexual pleasure, you get people advertising LOOKING for BBC this is called swinging or dogging or libertinage.
I agree with the other posters. You absolutely need to confront your wife about what you saw. you need to do it now and talk and try to see what each want and what is best for all the family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): No, you aren't weird. It's a natural reaction to get turned on while watching the act of sex. That's why porn is so popular. So of course you have mixed feelings of anger and arousal.
I agree with the other posters. You absolutely need to confront your wife about what you saw. Do it right away before the arousal fades and the anger takes over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): Shock and anguish create strange emotional-responses. Catching your spouse with another person will certainly stir a variety of mixed-emotions; but they will concentrate into one particular emotional-response, once you wrap your head around it.
That's why you're confused. It just hasn't settled-in yet. Your feelings are up in the air.
It's hard to judge your feelings; because your state of mind is subject to change at any given moment. I think it crosses everyone's mind at some point or another, to imagine their mate having sex with someone else. So many men consume porn, that this has to be one of the fantasies likely to be most common. Only the reality will hit, and no telling where your feelings may land.
Before it becomes anger or rage; I suggest that you confront your wife and let her know that you caught her, and get into marriage-counseling ASAP! This is your family we're talking about here; and you're a fairly young couple.
You're a father, and considering an alternate-lifestyle or open-marriage with kids in the house; is totally out of the question. I think your wife has already done more than enough to destroy your marriage. Think of your kids first.
Get the counseling, see if you can salvage your marriage; or agree to a civil and amicable divorce, so you can co-parent your kids. I don't think the turn-on is going to last. Like most sexual-fantasies involving your mate; the mental-image sours, and the ugly-reality hits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): Some men do find it a turn-on to see their partner sexually aroused with another man – sort of personalised porn – but this is your real life. You risk losing your marriage.
Tell your wife what you saw and that she must end their affair now. You both
owe it to your children to try to strengthen your marriage.
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