A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have found out that my husband views internet porn a lot. I am so hurt by this. I work hard to stay attractive and am always ready to make love or be adventurous in bed w/him. He says It's no big deal, and It's the same as me using a vibrator. The problems I have is that if (which is rare) I do use a vibrator. I only think of him. When he regularly watch's internet porn he is getting off to all kinds of different women, not me. This really hurts. Does anyone have advice on this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP I can understand your fear and pain since your experiences tell you that men always leave for the new shiny toy. I am sorry for that. NOT all men leave.
You say you’re lonely because your husband works a lot and gets home in the middle of the night.
I understand that wanting to go to sleep at the same time but my husband I never do. He just can’t get into bed at 10 or 11 like I do.
I recently read something that said that while getting 8 hours of sleep is important you can do it in smaller naps and get the same benefit as 8 straight. Since I cannot sleep 8 straight and my husband comes to bed so late, there are days I come home from work at dinner time and go right to bed. I will sleep till maybe 10 pm and then be up till about 2 am and then back to bed till the 6 am alarm. This gets me 8 hours but also gives me time with my hubby.
Maybe you could consider a routine like that so you can be awake to greet him when he gets home and then you guys can go to bed together?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThaks so much for your replies. I've been so hurt and confused. One thing I might add to the story. He is 8 years younger than me, and
my father left my mother for a woman 26 yrs he was younger than her. He was 7 years younger than my mom. We do have regular sex, but he works a lot and I feel like I barely see him. He gets home from his job in the middle of the night. So, we only go to sleep at the same time one night a week . It's very lonely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I understand that it can hurt you when he watches porn. But, maybe it is a trigger for you, also. Is there any way that you can intervene and ask him to focus his intention on you? I have in the past occasionally experienced this with my girlfriend. She was just finishing her menstration and worried that if we went at it, she could get pregnant. I watched porn, but she came in and grabbed me and told me to follow her in to bed. We did it and afterwards, if she were worried, she would get up and go to the shower and jump up and down, or the next day take the morning after pill. Other times, she would toy with me and tell that the people in the porn film reminded her of her or my friends. I think that you have to play it both ways and understand that if he is doing porn, isn't that better than his being with some other girl on the sly?Good Luck at working this out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Dear anon,I understand how you feel and there is nothing wrong with you....it is not right for people to tell you there is something wrong with how you feel when you are asking for advice on how to deal with this situation.You need to have an honest talk with your husband and see if there is a compromise that is agreeable between the two of you....be honest with him and tell him how you felt when you found out and how you feel about this being in your relationship.Masturbation is not the issue here, men masturbated for centuries without porn, it is possible to self-pleasure without it. Porn is the issue....are you uncomfortable with it being used behind your back or would you be ok with a shared experience? Are you completely opposed to it? Is he completely opposed to giving it up? Are you comfortable with him using if you are apart?Ideally you will find some common ground, if not, you will have a very troubled marriage and it will be a source of great strife in your marriage and possibly even cause for divorce.I am sorry that this has become an issue for so many women and men in this day and age.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
I know that a lot of women dislike porn usage. I really don’t get that if it’s not impacting on the relationship. Is his porn usage keeping him from you? Does he not love on you? Does he not treat you well? Does he not initiate sex with you?
His looking at internet porn HURTS YOU? How does it hurt you? I assume you mean it hurts you emotionally, that your feelings are hurt by his choice. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.
I tend to think more like a man (so I’ve been told over and over) and I’ve viewed porn. When I view it I’m not looking at the faces… who cares… you focus on the actual action of the act IMO .
If you can’t reconcile his looking at porn, then my only advice is to end the marriage. Seems excessive but it’s the only option. Telling him he can’t do it or asking him not to will only result in his hiding it.
Rather I suggest you figure out why you feel so hurt by it… you say “I work hard to stay attractive and I’m always ready…” as if that will make him stop. It won’t. EVEN if he lived with Angelina Valentine or Sunny Leone (two famous porn stars my hubby loves) he would still look at porn….
I don’t see how a man looking at porn (if he is not doing it to avoid being with you which I’m not seeing that here) undermines YOU as a woman, or you as his partner or your attractiveness or desirability. Explain it to me so I can better help you figure out what to do and how to cope…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I think the real problem is that he's been doing this behind your back, like it's a secret, a lie, something to hide. That is such an emotional betrayal in my book. And when there is a discussion, you express how you feel about it and what is does to your self confidence and the response is "no big deal"...ugh, that's like getting slapped in the face on top of it all. If it's no big deal then why did all of this come to light the way that it did? Ahhhh, because it is a big deal or he would not be doing this behind your back. Look, masturbation is normal and healthy, which I think you already know, and most of the time, it's a private moment. You are not trying to take that away from him. What I think you need security in knowing is whether he is turned on by the women he is watching or is it truly just a quick way to have an orgasm because of the act itself. I am against porn for various reasons...first and foremost,children in the home... how men/porn industry in general pray on vulnerable young damaged girls, drug them, force them, sell them, etc. to make money off of them and the men who simply don't care because all they want is a jerk off... one partner is uncomfortable with it in their relationship, when the solo porn takes over a healthy regular sex life with your partner, when it begins to interfere with male performance/ED, child/teen, rape/degrading porn and when shock value acts from viewing start making their way into your bedroom and it ruins the intimacy, etc....otherwise knock yourself out if you are all alone and that's all you have.If you have a healthy sex life, and you both are satisfied, then you probably don't have anything to worry about. This does not mean you should just accept it, or believe you are supposed to "get over it because all men do this" crap guys like to throw around. Keep the lines of communication open and work through it...perhaps a compromise. Neither should feel ashamed for using the tools they are using for masturbation, but if it turns into a major trust issue the porn is not going to work in your relationship and will only cause further damage. I hope the two of you can work through it. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 I have many links about this on my profile (click my username to get there) that I think will help you out. I also highly recommend you both read through the book "The Porn Trap."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): OP when you use your vibe you think of him. When he uses porn he thinks of no one. We don't have a vibe type device to turn a ten minute mental fantasy into a one minute wank. Porn is that device. We don't have to imagine sex we see it. Who the woman is is irrelevant. We think of you or a pic of Jessica Alba if we want a long slow fantasy. Why take all that time when we just want a quick release?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 I don't think he is getting off because of all the different women, if he wanted to " admire " beautiful women he could just jack off to an issue of Playboy, or even to depilatory creams advertisements. Or close his eyes and think of his favourite actress. I think what turns him on is the graphic, explicit depiction of sexual acts. I only had one partner who was into porn and he ONLY would watch amateur porn, with regular and often unattractive people, which was mysterious to me, I mean, I could understand him being turned on by superhotties, but by totally unappealing plain Janes ? ... He said it was more " real ", he was not looking for selecting the next Miss Universe, but for seeing the gross, sweaty, nitty-gritty of sexual acts.
That still leaves you,I suppose, with the question of why , if he wants to get aroused does he have to do it out of the marital bed, and can't he just turn to you more often, ...or put a big mirror on the ceiling of your room :)- but, at least, you don't have to take it personally or have doubts about your sexual adequacy.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2013):
 i've never really understood women's issue with men watching porn. i'm not telling you that you're feelings are wrong, but i am telling you that i honestly believe that you are looking at this in completely the wrong way.
your husband watching porn doesn't mean that he's looking at these women and lusting after them. it doesn't mean that he's picturing being with them and not you. it's just a visual stimulus to help the process along. it's better than staring blankly at the wall or the shower curtain. trust me, i'm sure he'd much rather be with you but sometimes it's not always convenient.
take this from a girl who watches porn herself (not very often but sometimes). and i'll tell you this. it in NO way makes me attracted to my girl any less or enjoy being with her any less. and it still is WAAAAAAY better with her than watching some stupid porn on the internet. like i said, it's just something to stare at while you're getting off. it's really not a big deal. i just think women don't realize the way that men view it.
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