A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I think my marriage is in serious trouble. My husband has always had a problem showing emotion, sympathy, compassion and empathy. He also has always spoken in monotone, no emotion in his words. When he says "I love you" you don't feel it, it's just words he has been trained to say when I leave for week or at bed time. I NEVER get compliments. When I complain he will then for a couple of days try to say "you are pretty" (and only ever this statement) when I leave for work, to where it feels scheduled and like he is being forced to say it. And then even those compliments stop. I have been upset by this before we were even married but was convinced by him that men just don't show emotions, that life and relationships don't actually have love or the 'in love feeling', and that we are normal. I should have gone with my gut feeling and not relied on the good things we did have that are all superficial. I even get the impression by things he has said that he wanted to get married because he was of the age where he should be married and should be having kids and I was good enough. Whenever I asked how he felt about me, if he is in love with me or why he wanted to get married he would reply that he can't imagine being with anyone else. He has never said he is in love with me and never will. He says I am weird for needing emotion and I'm just a basket case essentially.I have felt since we have been together that I repress my feelings and settle because things are good enough. We don't hate each other, we get along fine and can laugh, we have quite a bit in common. I am just lacking the actual connection, the emotional connection, the feeling like I love him. I am actually at the point where I don't know if I even do. It came to a head the last few weeks, but yesterday especially. I came home upset after getting a pregnancy test done and it had come back negative. After walking into the room crying, he made no comment to me at all, no sympathy or hug, he actually said "the dog pissed on the floor." After this we laid in silence until he went to work. I knew he lacked emotion but I thought I would eventually get SOMETHING from him if it was a sad situation, and I still didn't. I'm beginning to see that this will be the rest of my life, I won't ever have comfort from my spouse. I won't ever feel love towards or from my spouse. I found out from online that he has Alexithymia. It made me feel better in that I am not an insane emotional basket case that he made me out to be, but made it much worse now that I know there is no hope at all for change. I would live my life without ever having my emotional needs met. At this point I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to see a counselor and to be honest I don't see it working anyway, a therpist wants to know how you feel and he simply doesn't. He doesn't have the feelings to share. I have often described him as mechanical or robotic, terms I found verbatim when reading on Alexithymia. I don't want to get a divorce, but my reasons aren't out of love as much as not wanting to start over. And fear of meeting someone else who doesn't fit in the ways I do like my husband- he's honest, loyal, dependable, smart, frugal. I have found that we fit logically in most ways but when I need the sympathy, comfort, or even just to feel that 'I love him' feeling that I will hear other wives talk about their husbands I feel I am wasting my life. That I am settling. I don't feel guilty for wanting to have someone else because I honestly don't believe he would care very much if I were to leave. He would care in the sense that he would have to start over at what he considers to be an old age. When I have expressed this to him he just ignores it, he says it'll be fine, when I say I don't believe it will be then he says 'then you would leave if you were that unhappy'. It is very hard to leave, I have fears of being alone in addition to not wanting a divorce in addition to him not being a horrible husband. People get divorces when their husbands are assholes and mine is not. I just need help. Someone who can sympathize. Some advice other than the canned response "see a counselor" since I have already said he doesn't want to. We probably still will end up trying at some point before we completely give up but I don't think a counselor can change him into a feeler, especially when he doesn't want to change.
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female
reader, Buru-San +, writes (4 February 2014):
My boyfriend is like this, too. He's actually the best man I've ever dated. He does things that others have failed to do, and meets every expectation but one, and that's the only problem. I catch him smiling, and every part of me is happy. It's like he feels things in his brain, but not in his heart. He tells me many times that he's like a robot. He told me recently that when he loved me, he CHOSE to love me. It wasn't an emotional thing, but more like it was a computer program that he decided to install. He's going to school and works 2 jobs, and says that he has "no time for emotions". Somehow, I still love him, even with that flaw. Honestly, I do fear being alone again. Who doesn't?
Still, I love him, and hope and pray that one day the "computer" will crash, and that a beautiful humanly side of him will finally come out. I am willing to wait that long, and hold on to my hope.
Good luck with your marriage, deary. :)
A
female
reader, Letitgo +, writes (25 August 2013):
Sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I understand your reluctance to leave your nice-guy alexithymic husband, but here's the truth: YOU ARE ALREADY ALONE in your marriage, and you always will be. He will never connect emotionally with you nor with any children you have with him. He will pass alexithymia on to his children.
You are facing a lifetime of sadness and regret if you stay. Marriage counseling won't help. Alexithymics have no motivation to change, even when faced with loss of their marriage, because they can't feel enough emotional discomfort to change the status quo. I also suspect their egos are enormous, which gets in the way of change.
Don't think about divorce at this point, but try a separation instead. Tell yourself you'll live on your own for a year, and put an inconvenient distance between your two domiciles. Then, make the best life for yourself that you can. You'll probably reconnect with the happiness that you haven't experienced since you've married him. I have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): If you love him and can accept his condition then stay with him. If you cant accept his condition hit the road and get a man who is healthy in his mind and healthy between his legs. Your human or have you forgotten?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry to hear that anon, that you are going through the same things I am. But at the same time it is nice to hear someone else who understands... Like your husband, mine is a loyal, honest, good man in general. It makes it very hard to just give it up. And like you I desperately crave emotional affection and attention. My husband lacks any inflection or emotion in his talking and I find myself comparing him to everyone I talk to, male or female, and wonder why can't he just be 'normal'? I also thought I was just too emotional and expecting too much at first.
I have gone to a counselor for one session so far, she suggested I continue going to her alone and find a separate counselor for marriage. We both see him this friday. I don't have really high hopes for it... When trying to explain this to my counselor she simply said men aren't as emotional and had never heard of this condition. She clearly did not understand what I was saying at all. She even went as far as to say men will act tough and then break down as soon as they get in the office. I wanted to laugh out loud picturing my husband 'breaking down'. It isn't that he is tough and portraying a man without emotions, he IS a man without emotions. I plan to print out information on alexithymia for the marriage counselor so he will better understand what we are talking about and what to expect.
I plan to work with my own counselor on my own issues with being alone and pray she can help me. In case we can't help the relationship enough with my husband I would like to be able to be on my own and start over. Though the thought is terrifying.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): This is unbelievably all very familiar to me. I'm sorry but it is as if you just typed out everything I have been going through. I suspect that husband of 4 years also suffers from this. And it is a recent discovery for me to know that it is actually a dysfunction and it is not like he is just indifferent. I have tried everything in my limits to feel emotionally connected to him and I have failed in every way. This went on to an extent that I started to think that I have a problem in me and that my emotional needs are out of this world and I'm expecting too much from him. Like you said, it is very depressing to know that your emotional needs will never be met all your life. At the same time, divorce feels unjustified because at the end of the day, he is a nice guy, loyal, decent human being,and seeing some losers that women around me are married to, I feel I'm lucky to find a genuinely nice guy. But his emotional unavailability and our failure to connect as a couple makes me very lonely, hungry for emotional bonding with just about anyone who can give it to me. As desperate as that makes me sound, I too don't feel guilty about wanting find comfort even outside marriage. And honestly I don't see a point in being married like this, just for the sake of it, because of the fear that I will lose what I have in hand for something I do not know exists.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Hello,
My boyfriend of three years is the same way. I know how you feel... It is terrible.
We have talked about this a lot, he explains it to me as being a robot. he doesn't get mad, sad, happy, etc...
anyways I could go on and on about all of that, but to get right to my point; it's called being emotionally numb. which is usually caused by depression. look up "emotional numbness caused by depression"
Please, look that up and talk to him about it. Ask him when he started being this way, maybe something in his life triggered it.
Therapy is what he needs
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): How do you want him to comfort you? Have you explained to him that certain words/actions are appropriate to express when you are crying?
What do you expect from him? What do you find comforting? Does he simply not care? Does he not understand emotion? What does he feel? Does he experience anger, happiness, sadness? Does he have basic emotions that he can build on or does he completely lack emotions?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhether or not it is a clinically diagnosed condition doesn't matter to me. Everything I have read fits him and he doesn't want help for it, whether or not a therapist would confirm the diagnosis is moot. He agrees that he has it, he found it himself and took the questionnaire. But since then he has done nothing. I keep trying to talk about it but he won't say much of anything, which is typical of him, avoiding real conversations. I have researched everything I could find, posted a question on an alexithymia support site and obviously a question here. All I have read is that therapy is not really an option. And we all know that you can't force someone into therapy who doesn't want to change themselves. He is apparently content the way he is and thinks I should be too. Tearsonmyguitar had some of the best comments in my opinion, saying that he feels marriage is more of a mutual agreement and exchange of talents is spot on, even though my husband won't admit to this. And I also feel in my gut I shouldn't be making huge life decisions like having a child or getting a new house when I feel the way I do.
I am going to try and see a counselor alone. I've read some wives in this situation just accept their husband as he is and learn not to show emotion around him, they find someone else for an emotional outlet. To me that seems too depressing, I'd like my husband to be able to comfort me, not to have to find someone else to cry to over issues with him. Although at the same time, being the loyal person that I am, I want to stick by him through everything as a wife should. I go back and forth a lot on what to do. It would be much easier if he were an asshole who didn't do anything at all for me. I think he does care as much as he is able to. I'm just afraid I'd leave and give up an overall good guy for someone who does give me the emotional connection but treats me like crap. I'm doing okay most of the time and happy or content. It's definitely the most stable relationship I've been in. It's just sometimes that it hits me where I want the comfort or deep feeling of love and I won't get it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): What marriage? Marriage is more then a piece of paper.
You say he is without emotion. What about yours?
"I am just lacking the actual connection, the emotional connection, the feeling like I love him"
Did you EVER love him OR did "I have fears of being alone" drive you to him? Nowhere in your posts do you claim to have ever loved in. Why did you two get married? You talk at length about his motivations but not your own.
Why did you marry HIM. Why did you got against your gut. Sometimes when one damaged person marries, the person he marries is equally damaged.
Sometimes when we make mistakes, the hardest thing is not correcting the mistake but acknowledging the cause for the mistake is still within you. Something attracted you to him. A fear of intimacy? What would your real reaction be if you were with an emotional person whose moods are not always the same, safe and reliable (if noring). What if you had to work at a relationship, hard.
As you say, this is not a horrible husband. Might he even be an easy husband, someone who doesn't require a great deal of effort or emotional investment on your side?
Fixing this marriage is "easy" by just walking away but would that solve the reason you choose him in the first place? You can't fix other people, so fix yourself.
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A
male
reader, TeardropsOnMyGuitar  +, writes (18 April 2013):
I wonder how many people who responded actually looked up Alexithymia and read some of the words you used. While it is dangerous to diagnose a disorder using the Internet, it is clear (unless you have a disorder that causes you to misrepresent the situation) that you have a far more serious situation than the typical "Men don't show emotion" situation.Taking you at your word, it is clear that you don't have an emotional connection. You give emotion and don't get it back.I agree fully that you would benefit from counseling. I think you need professional assistance putting this into perspective. I don't know if it is worth requiring him to get a diagnosis as this disorder doesn't seem to bother him. It would seem that to him marriage is a mutual arrangement or exchange of talents and not an emotional connection.If you are right about him, you can take comfort that he won't be hurt by a divorce.My gut says you should leave him before you have kids. Learn to live alone. You can do it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
 How about if YOU see a counselor just for yourself to help you get over your fear of "being alone"
People get divorces when they marry the wrong person.
People get divorces when they are unhappy and miserable and their spouse is part of the problem and refuses to change.
I don't think he's Aspie. I don't know what his problem is.. .maybe he's just an asshole because a lot of the things he said to you (that you wrote here) is crap. Just pure crap. And it's a cop out... much like your refusing to leave (for good reasons) a man you married for the wrong reasons.
I would be cautious to diagnose him with Alexithymia as my reading (this morning) suggests that it's more of a personalty trait and is co-morbid with other disorders more than a stand alone disorder. I have a degree in Psych and I would not begin to make a definitive diagnosis of anyone for any disorder, rather, I would suggest to them that they meet a lot of the criteria for something and maybe seeing a professional would benefit them.
Marriage is a partnership. NEEDS must be met by both parties.... if he can't, or won't meet your needs, then you need to accept that you must leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): Have you read about Asperger's Syndrome? The trouble with making 'diagnoses' via the internet is that you can find some pretty outlandish things. Asperger's is more likely. I have it, and am sometimes told that I am emotionless. It's true that my emotions seem to work in strange ways (I can get very tearful over music, for example, but not get sad at a funeral). It is more common in men, and there are many useful books available to read more about it if you decide to try to save your marriage.I'm not emotionless, by the way. It's just that some things seem illogical or less important to Asperger's people. Often it's women who get most upset about this because they are socialised differently.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Yes men don't show emotions. There has to be a moment when he became sad in life. Did his grandparents or pets die? Lost money, didn't get the job?
I am not sure if you can give him a label yet. My mom had always noticed my dad being the same way. I think I saw my dad cry one time in my life and he was trying hard to hold it in. I even suspected it was tears from yawning but I felt his emotion. It was real.
Honestly I don't see a negative pregnancy test as something sad. Unless you have trouble getting pregnant and had been trying for years.
My mom had a miscarriage at 4 months. She went to the hospital, had the procedure done and came home fine. Ironically it was my dad who was crying.
If you decide to stay with him, appreciate him for the person he is. He's the kind of man who is long term material, because he does not need dramatic ups and downs to spice things up. He is content and rational.
I think you are getting a rude awakening that this is what marriage is about. I know there will be people telling you if you fall out of love that's the end of marriage, you should follow your heart blah blah blah. Also avoid asking questions to probe into his heart. You put him on the spot. I think the hidden message is that you should just trust him that you are right for each other. He is resisting you turning him into a pussy. He will be lying if he feels nothing hearing you say you love him.
It was wrong of him to say you are weird for needing emotions. Maybe what he meant was that if you want your emotions met, that's what girlfriends are for. A husband's role is more like a provider and protector. I would suggest not to find faults in him and second guess your marriage.
It will be impossible for a couple to be 100% happy together in every aspect. I don't recommend repressing your feelings. He did not say you should shut up about your feelings. He just doesn't know how to respond to them besides fixing and solving problems. When you make a problem out of this it is only going to bring out his defensive side.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): sounds like you already got your answer, he won't change, you will become even more frustrated and unhappy with the time because your emotional needs are not met in this relationship I just don't understand why you would chose to settle with this guy, you're 22-25 for goodness sake, start over, you don't have children with him, there's nothing that ties you up to him forever, people don't get divorced because their husbands are assholes, but because they're no longer happy together. Go find another man who tells you everyday that you're beautiful to him and that he loves you, your husband sounds very very odd, but perhaps he'd be better diagnosed by a psychiatrist. The longer you stay with him, unhappy in this marriage, the more you'll regret later, for wasting your life with a person who's got as much feeling as a piece of wood.
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