A
male
age
41-50,
*eekingFidelity
writes:My question is similar to one I've read, but I want to post the question for myself. I'm in a relationship where the trust has been damaged, I've been lied to a few times. Each of these lies had a "purpose", or some kind of plausible reason for not telling the truth... but nonetheless a lie is a lie. Unfortunately, I felt that she wasn't being honest AGAIN about something else (after a few arguments about honesty) and my gut feeling that was telling me "she's lying again!" drove me to...the dirty, disgusting, filthy act of snooping. I started snooping to uncover SPECIFIC, FACTUAL evidence to back me up--- I didn't want to make accusations without any basis. I found my specific evidence one night-- and I confronted her about it, without revealing my snooping. I just persisted with "I KNOW that you..." without ever saying HOW I knew. It was a horrible argument, she tried to lie more and more to keep from telling the simple truth.. I believe it took a few hours or more for the truth to actually come out.The things she lied to me about-- I don't even care! they would be inconsequential, meaningless, NOTHING at all if she would have just been up front about it.but the fact that she was willing to lie about it? and when confronted, try lying some more?now, here's some additional information that I've uncovered that bothers me further.I found some old e-mails (this stuff is the past and not relating to me) wherein she is not only clearly and obviously maintaining a relationship with at least TWO different men, she explicitly stated to one of them "don't worry, [the other guy] didn't find out about you and me."To BOTH of these men she professes what appears to be a genuine "LOVE"... she tells them how much she misses them, how much she cares for them, and how they are "the ONE." Both of them get the same treatment--- both are "the ONE special guy" that she "loves" and cannot live without. Here's what's eating me up now: I found her using some of the exact same language she uses towards ME, her "one and only", I'm the guy that she LIVES with. I feel I snooped for this purpose-- I want to find out who it is I'm committing to, who it is I'm telling that I LOVE and want to spend forever with. I wouldn't have snooped if she would have been honest from the get-go. Now, the duplicity is in her past. No one is perfect. and in all my snooping, nothing in the present seems out of place at all-- everything seems good (since the day I confronted her about her lie)--but my question still burns in my brain and I feel it in my stomach from time to time: Can I trust her?Can I trust this girl to be my wife, the mother of my children, to be faithful, to not CHEAT on me? I feel that I have uncovered her ability to cheat, and certainly seen firsthand her comfort with lying. but if she promises to be honest, "no more secrets", and it appears to be true-- can it be true??Do people always do what they've always done? if she had a boyfriend before and was cheating on him, does that mean she will ALWAYS be a cheater?should I invest in this girl-- should I spend my time, my life with her... or should I run like hell? I wouldn't even be asking these questions if I didn't care about her. I tell her I love her, and I mean it-- or does this mean that I don't love her? am I supposed to just look past these things, and let her lie to me if she wants to lie to me? is that what is meant by unconditional love? And furthermore-- can I EVER get HER trust?? is there anything I can do to make her feel like she can tell me the truth? I just want honesty! I want to STOP snooping, STOP worrying, and feel A-OK. But I can't seem to let it go...does that mean I should let HER go??Help!
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Well I think you are right here, there is no need for her to lie about it if there is nothing going on. So going by this rule there must be something going on she does not want you to know about? Is this guy an ex boyfriend? If so she may still have feelings for him hence why she continues to text him. If she is texting him late at night then this is definately warning signs that she does have more than friendly feelings towards him.
I still stand by what I said before - you need to come clean about the snooping. Tell her you have seen the phone bills etc. Tell her you want her to come clean about everything, all the lies and any contact with other men she hasnt already told you about. If she cannot do this then you are not really left with a choice -you will have to end it.
From what you have said this does not sound like it is going well, you cant trust her and she is a compulsive liar. Talking to her will help you to figure out whether or not she wants to save this relationship, and then you need to make the decision as to if she is worth it or not. Stress to her that if she does not talk and wont be honest then it is over - this should at least force her to be honest with you.
But I have to stress the importance of you both coming clean and being honest to each other - if you still wont admit you have been snooping then you will end up going round in circles and she will continue to lie to cover it up, and you will know these are lies when she thinks you will believe her.
I hope this helps!
A
male
reader, SeekingFidelity +, writes (25 February 2009):
SeekingFidelity is verified as being by the original poster of the question"you still do not say what she has lied to you about?"
Well the one that I confronted her about was involving cell-phone messaging. She would get messages during evenings and late nights and say it was a girlfriend or relative, but she would immediately delete whatever she received, and immediately delete whatever she sent as well. This seemed suspicious enough-- she never immediately deleted messages she sent to her relatives. One night it was painfully obvious to me that she was receiving and sending messages from someone OTHER than who she was telling me-- but, true to form she immediately erased all correspondence.
My snooping involved her phone bill and her contact list. I got sick to my stomach when I discovered that she had SENT more messages to this other guy more than she had sent messages to anyone else (including me!)
The thing is, when I tried to confront her about it, she started telling me that yes, from time to time HE sends her a message, but she doesn't want anything to do with him and she never sends him anything back.
I told her about a SPECIFIC night that I really felt SHE was sending a message to HIM, she denied it. She was being "honest", and she said she "swears to God" that she didn't send him a message.
but I had the proof already. I already KNEW that she did-- I didn't just THINK it-- I had the phone records.
I persisted without letting her know this... I just kept pushing and pushing and pushing-- I told her that I knew she maintained a very active cell-phone relationship with this guy and that she was lying to me.
After a very long argument, she finally admitted to it in some form, but she assured me that this guy is nothing to her.
I want to believe her, in general. I don't really think she has anything going on with that guy beyond the cell phone chatter-- but--
why LIE about it?? Relationships are supposed to be built on trust, no?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 February 2009):
After that very long question you still do not say what she has lied to you about? This would really help so I could give you a better answer.
With regards to the "unconditional love" - this is not possible between a man and a woman/boyfriend and girlfriend. Unconditional love is something where you cannot stop loving that person no matter what happens in life and this will only occur between family members e.g. mother and child etc. You are kidding yourself if you think this is possible in a romantic relationship I'm afraid. And you should not want to aim for this either - you will end up with you feeling this "unconditional love" for her and she wont feel the same for you.
I think you should confront her. Tell her that you have snooped - you are lying to her by not telling her you have been checking up on her! Explain your fears to her, that she has cheated before so she might cheat again. I think it is time to come clean for you both, both be honest with each other and then maybe you can have a fresh start. But you wont get anywhere by snooping, then expecting her to come clean, but then she lies and you get more annoyed and angry.
If she still wont stop lying to you then I guess you will have to call it a day - some people lie as a compulsion and they cannot help themselves, and they will never change.
Good luck!
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