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female
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*edzy
writes: Dear Cupid,My fiance of almost a year (dating over 5 years) confessed to me three days ago that he slept with an escort while out of town last weekend. He has never done this before, and is extremely guilty and remorseful. He swears never to do this again. I know the saying (do it once, will do it again), but I honestly believe him. Before this, we lost our virginity to each other. This morning he has discovered a genital wart on his penis. He said he will treat it and get tested for other STDs before even "considering" to get back in bed with me. I never saw this coming! He has recently encountered a lot of stress in his life (new job with tough boss, manic-depressive Mom has had an episode, grandfather is dying, family is running out of money, 17 year-old brother dropped out of school, etc.) I think that is why he did this. He lost control. I believe in him to fix this problem. I have given him my engagement ring to wear on a necklace with a cross and told him to keep it close to his heart until he fixes this problem. He has agreed to go to his doctor and ask for therapy and depression medication. But still....I just don't know if I can trust him anymore. He has promised to do all of this for me, but the trust just isn't there. I am so angry and upset for what he has done...how can I get over this for good? please help us!
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escort, fiance, money, prostitute, std Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): pretend being stressed and hire an escort for a night on the town and have a ball...or a deep experience. now it is even.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Would you trust more someone had not been caught on anything and had never confessed to you?
This guy had what sounds like a throughly negative experience. Bad sex with a hooker, caught an STD and then he owned up to his actions (that week) with you without being caught, because he felt it was somethign he ought to do. That sounds like someone trustworth.
And dont bring it up after you are married, or even allow your mind to think about it. Its done if you both want it done.
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A
female
reader, ynvjanet +, writes (12 November 2005):
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I want to share an experience with you because my boyfriend was going through a very difficult time in his lif; depression, stress at work, emotionally disturbed mother, etc. and he also cheated on me with another woman while he was intoxicated. But afterwards he came to me and was honest and he cried because he was angry that he had hurt me. I was so mad at him and I wanted to leave him, but to be honest with you my heart wouldn't let me because I love him so much. I was willing to forgive him, because he has promised not to ever get himself in that predicament again. Are there still times when I feel a little distrust? Absolutely, but in order for our relationship to work, if I'm going to forgive him then I had to let it go. I love him enough to let it go so that we may build a happy relationship together. Today we are happily in love and very honest with each other!
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A
female
reader, whatever +, writes (10 November 2005):
That is a very difficult situation to be in. My ultimate advice would be to hold off the wedding for a long time and deeply consider what you're getting yourself into; when you take the man, you take all the baggage that comes with him.
He sounds like he could be quite dependent on you-could you handle that? And if you couldn't, who do you think he'll turn to? His friends? Or another prostitute? Your fiance sounds like he can't handle all the recent occurrences spiralling out of his control and it's becoming too great for him. You need to sit him down and talk about getting everything sorted in his life and in your relationship. Only when he is truly happy in his life will you be able to trust him so that he may never need to feel the desire for such 'company' when away from you again.
Trust is a fickle thing. It can take years to develop such a strong tie and yet just one wrong move can make that bridge come crashing down around you. It's not impossible to rebuild it but it might never be exactly as it was. I think a big part of your final decisions will have to be climactically led by your gut instinct.
Best wishes for the future! You determine how it goes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): You sound like the kind of woman who is devastated, and will never get over this. End your relationship with him, and move on. Otherwise, you will be hanging this over his head for the rest of your relationship, which he will end because he grows to hate you. What is really bothering you is that he did not come to you for sex, and instead found an escort to pay for sex. The genital wart was just the icing on the cake. Maybe the two of you should have a frank discussion about your sex lives, or lack thereof, and his motive for seeking out the call girl. Guys don't wander when they know they have the best love waiting for them at home. Sorry if that sound critical, but I am not buying the ruminations on why he did this that you write here.
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