A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I were recently engaged. We have been together for two years. He moved here from out of state shortly before we met. He told me and has always said that he graduated from University A. According to him he attended University B for three years then transferred to the more reputable University A, because it was the better school and also because that’s where his then-gf attended and he wanted to be closer (the schools are 3 hours apart). The latter is an unusual reason for most but seemed in line with his personality as he does like being around his S/O quite a lot. My fiancé had his own business for 5 years and beginning of this year went to corporate. I saw that he updated his professional web page to University B and he said he wants to put both. I said well he forgot to put the one that actually matters which is the one he graduated from University A. He said he’ll update later and I forgot about it. He’s somewhat scatterbrained when it comes to these things so I didn’t think much about it. However recently i stumbled across his ex’s professional page and saw she also put University B. I became suspicious so visited the degree certification page for Uni A and did not find either of their records. Unfortunately Uni B is by mail. Since we live together i did not order it. Lastly, I figured the best proof was to see what he had been putting on his resumes. I checked his email and sure enough it was Uni B. I actually proofread each resume for him and turns out he has changed it from Uni A to Uni B each time before submitting to companies. I’m extremely disappointed he would lie about his education and don’t understand his reason to. We met in a social group and I wonder if he figured he could fluff himself up and didn’t expect to become close to anyone. But now we are engaged. I feel I should ask him why. He had many opportunities to tell me the truth. I’m just so disappointed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): Honeypie had mentioned something very important - that he kept up "the pretence". Men can be particularly prone to keeping up pretence, in any number of ways. I understand this, but I am NOT saying this as a way to excuse what they do.My own father bought a large house which, from the outside, looked extremely impressive. Inside, it was dirty, chaotic, violent and abusive. It made it impossible to tell anyone what was really going on, because he himself was exceptionally good at putting on a show.I then, without realising it, went for men who were, in their own way, very pretentious. My ex husband was exceptionally good looking and gave an air of intellectualism and class. He was useless, unemployed and abusive. I then had a partner for 17 years who was exceptionally charming, sociable and had a real knack of drawing people in and getting them to believe he was intelligent, genuine and so on. Behind the scenes he was abusing me physically and psychologically.What I am saying to you is that men who feel a need to maintain pretence will expect you to agree to that pretence, sometimes without you realising it. You begin to put on a show, sometimes because you even feel sorry for them and believe if you love them they will eventually become 'the real thing'. The problem is, you are part of the show and nothing else. They don't have it in them to see you as a three-dimensional person and cannot possibly appreciate you in your own right. You are just an extension of the aura or vibe or appearance that they want to give out.Don't get me wrong, I'm not against a little bit of "fake it till you make it" and we all 'upsell' ourselves sometimes, but Honeypie has brought up something very central and I really want to emphasise that, so that you understand the implications for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): I agree with the other aunts/uncles, I get why he might have lied to begin with but it’s not ok he made such efforts to continue the lie for so long.Yes, you should ask. I have a feeling he’ll justify it somehow, so focus on the honesty aspect, not about his school. Make it clear that the relationship needs to be build on solid communication, honesty, and the ability to tell each other things with trust. See how he deals with this conversation, then take it from there. If he owns up (or even eventually owns up) that it was wrong to lie and understands going forward how important it is to be honest, then that’s a good start. Side note: for me, if I had knew someone lied from the beginning, I’d be wary. had a guy lie to me about what city he lived in because he was embarrassed about his real city, which there was nothing wrong with, it was a normal suburban city! He just wanted to seem like he was from a “rich” city! I actually caught him in the lie on the first date because he got mixed up. But he kept defending himself after he was caught. Sorry. But no. Lying about something like that revealed what he cared about (and honestly for me, who cares, seems petty and elitist) and showed he was insecure about such a silly thing. So for me, it already set up what a future would be like. So, no thank you. I think for you, you’re engaged now. You’ve gotten to know him best. You have enough to know if this is a sign of real trouble or not. Or perhaps he’s matured. Or he’s a habitual liar or very insecure, neither of which is good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): Well this is bad because when a person lies about something most likely this person lies for something else. This BS about his ex does not make any sense. Now you discovered there were noth from the same univ. Weird. I dont like that
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): May be he wanted to impress you in the beginning of your courtship and then he didn't know how to come round it. You shouldn't take this as a serius issue and leave it till he explains it to you in his own time. Quite immatureish really but these thinks do happen. When I was in my late teens or early twenties and very immature I remember I lied to a girl I had met in a party about my name and my religion and we dated a few times but I just couldn't keep up the silly lie for long and I knew I will be discovered sooner or later. It was really upsetting for me, so the only way out for me was to disappear from her life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2018):
 It sounds like a really DUMB thing to lie about. I mean WHO cares where he got his degree?
I can understand that he MIGHT feel bad for having lied to you before you two got serious - but... he CHOSE to keep up the pretense because (I think) he doesn't want you to think less of him?
My thing is this though, HE has had TWO WHOLE years to own up the lie. He has chosen NOT to and that IS a problem. Because it makes you (and me and all the other aunties/uncles) wonder WHAT else he is lying about?
I would talk to him. I would tell him that you are NOT disappointed with what SCHOOL he went to but that you ARE disappointed that he kept up the lie for 2 years.
Listen to your gut. THERE is a reason you started digging here. Because SOMETHING smelled fishy.
Talk to him. Be honest with him.
And maybe talk boundaries while you are at it. WHAT is OK and what is NOT OK. See if you are on the same page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): Clear this up now and get it out of the way. At least he didn't lie about the completion of his education. I could think of more serious things to be concerned about; but if this is one on your list of deal-breakers; then by all means, address it immediately.
Then explain to him the elaborate way you went about finding it out; and why? Then you can both make an equal evaluation and assessment of your relationship and engagement; based on matters of trustworthiness, respect of privacy, and honesty.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 July 2018):
 Ask him immediately. You should know why he lied to you and he better have a good answer! He's going to great lengths to cover up his lies by changing his resume each time but then that's the thing with lies... One lie leads to another and before you know it, it's a whole big web.
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