A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Readers,I am so very confused...I found out my boyfriend of 3 years was having phone sex with a mutual friend of ours for the first 6 months of our relationship.I know they were never physically intimate and what I hate the most is I had to find out from her, she brought it up thinking I knew. I confronted my boyfriend and he admitted it, said sorry and that he loves me. I thought our relationship was solid. We rarely fight, have a great time and connection together - preparing to move onto the next level and start a family etc but I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. Do I forgive him? or walk away now?. I just feel so devastated he is my best friend and the person I trusted most and part of that has been torn away.He wants to make it right and I can see in his eyes he is terrified of losing me. What do I do?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Ooooh, he'd be gone already with my boot firmly up his arse and as for the friend, she'd be gone too. What a terrible situation for you to have found out. I am also concerned that "your friend" brought it up "thinking you knew". Really, sounds to me like she was fishing for information. And, you were in the honeymoon period of your relationship (the first 6 months), so I guess he was being intimate with you and all the time was having phone sex with your mutual friend. This doesn't sound right at all!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): My boyfriend was having phone sex with others for the first three or four months of our relationship. I found out after it had stopped. I wasn't sure I would ever get over it, but I had forgotten about it till I read your post. For him, he didn't know if 'we' were going to work out. He didn't know if I cared about him enough to stay, and he continued on, in a lifestyle he had when we met. As we got closer, he stopped it on his own decision. When I found out, he was gutted. He was so sorry and terrified I was going to leave. He knew he had done the wrong thing, he stopped it and hoped it would just go away and never be found out. It really really hurt me, and the only reason I stayed was because I had a strong gut feeling he is 'the one' for me. It is still too soon to marry, but we have continued on the journey, and as I said before, that episode I had forgotten about till now. We talked it out for a long time, and I felt I could trust him. I suggest you put a time on it. If you are still angry and hurt and distrusting after (for example) 3 months ...walk away... tell him your intention and it gives him an opportunity to do everything he can to rebuild your trust. If you feel you can trust him, then stay, if you never feel that trust again, then don't waste any more of your heart and soul on this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): I'd walk away OP. He had an emotional affair and cheated on you which is just as bad as physically cheating.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
Look you're going to stick around in which case this is going to a long, long time to get over if you even can, years OP. You see for me I know I couldn't get over it, I know that spending a year or two trying to rebuild trust is not the kind of relationship I want with anyone. So for me I'd rather deal with the pain of a break up for a few months rather bang my head against a wall trying to rebuild after someone fucked me over so badly. Everything we had would be ruined and guess what the entire three years have been a lie, he lied to you and covered this up for all that time and would never have said anything to you if she didn't tell you. Holy shit OP, how are you supposed to trust a guy that can do that? How many other girls have there been and can you trust him if he says none? Can you really say he hasn't been with any other women? I mean he spent three years lying about this, how can you believe him if he says there are no others?
Also that mutual friend would be gone too.
OP no matter how nice either of them are, to me they're both scum and I have no room in my life for people like that.
In my opinion you'd be a fool to forgive, sure you can quote the "people make mistakes" thing all you want. But persistent cheating over a period of time is not a mistake, it's not an accident it's an intentional thing and I would trust neither of them not to do it again. Lying to you for years is not a mistake OP, the mistake here was her telling you. Something he probably made her promise not to, the only mistake he truly feels he made was getting caught, otherwise why has he lied to you all these years?
I don't have relationships with people who are willing to fuck me over for selfish reasons, ones who can lie to me for years over something that is exceptionally important and ones who think so little of me that they don't mind fucking me over. I've learned that in life it's best to cut those people out, especially the people whose mistakes I get punished for, which is what is happening here, you're the one who is getting punished here, the one who was hurt in all this. They can beg and plead all they want I don't believe for one second they regret anything other than being caught, because if so why lie to you for years? Because he didn't want to lose you? Well if he didn't want to lose you he wouldn't have done it.
OP put all your plans to start a family and move to next level on hold until you've dealt with this. If you choose to stay understand that it's going to take a long time to get over it, if you're actually able.
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A
female
reader, FoxyBodhisattva  +, writes (13 May 2013):
In my opinion phone sex is no different from pornography- that is when it is done via one of those sleezy agencies that advertise through the television and cost money. The fact that he was doing this with a mutual friend of yours is unsettling. However, since this only occurred during the first 6 months of your relationship with him and it stopped without your knowledge or interference tells me that he obviously wants to be with you and was feeling remorse. You are right to be annoyed, especially since you heard about this from the friend. If you are sure that it never got physical, and he has been absolutely true to you in the years since then perhaps this is forgivable. Your trust has been compromised, but try not to let resentment rule your emotions. Let him try to make things right again and see how things work out. Meanwhile, what kind of friend is this that was messing around with your man? Why did she think that you already knew about it? With friends like that you don't need enemies. You should be able to trust your man, but you should also be able to trust your friends Best of luck to you.
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