A
female
age
51-59,
*ittle ninja
writes:Hey all, where do i start, well im new to this but just so confused ,feel like i could talk to someone better, if they dont know me, than friends who give advice, not saying that we wont become friends on this site but you'll understand when i say what my problem is..here goes..been with my fiance 8 months known him 2 and half years..got engaged valentines this year and has been brilliant..we have set a date for our wedding next year..also i have just miss carried so may be feeling little down than normal but i face this world with a smile and plod on one of many of our qualities..my problem is..he been so nice lately tooo nice creeping type nice intuition kicked in something not right..im wrong i know but i done little bit investigation of my own ie..read his emails only to find he has joined a site called upfora shag.com i felt physically sick i still do..im heart broke and i dont know what to do..he due home on tuesday he lives on base during week and home weekends..but has week of next week..i dont want to talk to him see him just so hurt im crying typin this..any advice..thank you..xx
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female
reader, little ninja +, writes (2 May 2008):
little ninja is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey all firstly thank you all for your advice and kind words im not after sympathy just some advice like i said from people who dont know me..i have listened and thought but think it will take longer than an over night think..anyway update..one i feel like trust has gone which is the makings of a healthy relationship..two whats past is past but saying that the choice of site has appalled maybe because my hero is not the blue eyed boy i thought he was..thirdly..if he does delete account he could easily make a new one up thought was there temptation is always readily available with sites like them..fourthly..when you love someone its the hardest think to do walk away and shut up moaning as someone put it carnt turn my feelings of like a light switch..if it was that easy i wouldnt be on here trying to sort my head out id be single saying make way for the next one..fiftly..i am a strong woman and i know i will make the right decision, today i had my morning text from him saying he loved me,he has not text since and we are talking tonight,as for that site logged in this morning and doesnt say when he joined also says payment expired which means if it was 2 years ago he payed which makes me think he no better than a guy pickin girls up on a street corner and payng for it..once again thank you all for your advice and will keep you all posted..xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): While I also think that his poor choice of a smarmy dating site bespeaks a lot about where his attitudes and mindset was at the time, I urge you to check each and ever date as was suggested below. He now knows he's on a 'grace' period until you are satisfied, he is no longer 'active' on these sites. After you check it all out and find out he's in the clear. Then you sit back and think about your relationship and remember, you have the power in this relationship and your own life, to rise above the knowlege that this guy's had some weaknesses and poor behaviors, before coming into your life. Tell him, that is the past and move foward, but only if your think the trust and respect can be re-established.
As Askoldersister stated, a future marriage is a serious committed relationship and you have the right to ensure that the guy you are to marry is an honorable man, who will always respect you. Truth, integrity and decency are two key elements partners must display to each other, when keeping a relationship healthy and intact.
But just also remember, if he proves his sincerity, and knows he loves you now, then you make the choice to bury his past indiscretion. Don't get so busy taking care of yesterday, that tomorrow and your future with him, gets overshadowed. Good Luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Well, he now knows that you are upset and concerned with him and have some real trust issues with the relationship. I personally would feel better if he had registered in a dating site two years ago that had a bit more class than upfor ashag sounds like. The sheer name of it sounds cheap to me, but then I may be an old fuddy duddy. If he truly hasn't been on it in 2 years, and the account is inactive, then things may be able to settle back to normal.
So you can try to work things out with him, just be very cautious. It does sound like he wants to be with you, and will try hard to fix things. I also think he'll figure out in a couple of days that he's angry with you because you doubted him, and that you snooped, so you'll have to contend that feeling on his side as well.
If you can, let us know how things are going with you.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (2 May 2008):
 I would have thought he would have been far less calm about it if he were really "up to something". Take it slowly and gently, and don't get stressed unless/until you know for sure there is a problem. As it stands, you don't have any real reason to believe he's not telling the truth.
Don't risk throwing away a good relationship on a suspicion - but you definitely do need to know for sure and you have every right and reason to demands answers.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Poster, I think there's an easy way out of your sorrow. Just check when the e-mail messages were sent. If they were sent two years ago, or before you were together, then you have no reason to worry.
Sometimes people are curious about visiting dating sites. But I'm with Irish in this one: if you register, then you did a little more than just being curious.
Don't despair, poster. Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): you muust tell him you have seen this and demand an answer you must be so shocked and i am sorry you have had to go through this.
You want to know exactly what he is up to.. if he does not think you are enough for him and he needs the thrill of such sites, maybe you should think about splitting up??
I know it sounds extreme but could you stay with him if you knew he was contacting women on these sites??????????
take care and good luck xx please keep you dear cupid buddies posted xx
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A
female
reader, little ninja +, writes (1 May 2008):
little ninja is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey all...had talk with him tonite,just came out and said can we talk..he was calm and said he joined it 2 years ago i asked how im supposed to believe that he then said get pentold me user name password told me to check when he joined and was last active..told me to delete it..then said i need to think wheather i can trust him,if i dont we should end it now, i put phone down..he has text..ie..u know i swear on my familys lives i aint been on it for 2 years i was single back then why would i ruin what we have ,log into it please and ease your mind ..it doesnt say when they joined, told him i didnt want to, he then text back..ive genuinely not been on that site for 2 years and understand how you feel id be going mental if it was you..my reply..am tired of this just want someone who is content with me i know you love me and you know i love you but is it enough..??he replied YOU are the only woman i want..YOU are an amazing person since ive been with you i havent even looked at another woman the way i look at you why the hell would i wanna marry you..??thats why i want you to sign in and look to kill any suspicion and delete it for me please coz i honestly havent been back on that site..told him we will talk tomorrow..what the hell do i do now..???
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Since you logged in on the site, find out when he signed up. Most such sites have a way to check the activity of a user, like for instance this site allows you to see all the answers a person posted.
It may be it all happened a long time ago and was even just a one shot deal out of curiosity.
The emails? I and others on this site get emails as well from people trying to contact us. There are scammers out there that use all social sites to try and get people to contact them to then lure them into a 419 type scam. Just receiving emails from a social site does not mean he is active on it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): You don't know what to do? Either its acceptable behaviour to you or its not. If the answer is yes shut up and get on with the relationship, if the answer is no dump him.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is very serious. You need to compile the evidence and lay it all out for him to see. Then you ask for an honest explanation. He is the other half of this relationship and I think, he went over the boundries of what entails a committed relationship. All you hoped for was some integrity on his part. He is on a sex dating site....plain and simple. He is a member of this sex dating site who has to actually 'login'...to view the endless parade of women looking for sex.. He might say he was just curious, and many of us are. But, there is this thing called a "mature, adult" act of restraint. He can control his behaviors. So why would he purposely put the relationship at risk, by doing such a stupid thing?
He got messages from many females and males wanting to do him. It could've been just a matter of time..and he could've been tempted to do what you fear the most. But for now, the psychological implications in my view is, his intent to cheat. I always have believed that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator when one's partner is up to no good. Many who post on this site may come back at you and question you for 'invading his privacy". Let me say, that me and my fiancee have an open book policy on our computer. Our e-mails are addressed to both of us and we often read each other's e-mails. That is what builds ongoing trust and solidarity in a committed relationship. So I view your matter differently. If he behaves indignantly about this invasion of privacy, you stand your ground. His emails, his messages from these people have spoken loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. You admit, you sensed he was up to something and you were dead on. He has shattered the 'trust'. So I believe that, spying does not damage the relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception, one is feeling. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a healthy direction for this relationship to progress. So please, tell him pointedly, what you found and make him own up, to what he did. Then I suggest you and he find ways to have this 'we' way of thinking where you both share each other's life, instead of hiding stuff and insisiting on the 'me' aspect of one's privacy. When in a serious relationship like this, there is no such thing as 'my' right to privacy--it becomes "our' right to privacy. It's a 'we' concept and perspective. And too many couples just don't get that. This is the unselfish decent, openess that will keep the relationship's integrity and trust, solid as a rock. It's a team effort.
You have some big thinking to do here. Do you stay or go? Only you can decide that. If you decide to stay...the internet, the passwords, the emails ..all become an open book policy (nomore hiding) and you both get into relationship counseling. If he doesn't want the open book policy, then there's your answer. Get out of this, asap. But I can tell you right now--he has broken the most important foundation of this relationship--the trust. So if this doesn't get resolved, it will be a huge barrier in the future of this relationship. Please stay well and be strong. I wish you luck, dear and take care.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (1 May 2008):
 It could be that he has looked at this site once and now gets unwanted emails. Face him head on and ask him about it and let him know it is unacceptable behaviour to even look. He might just have looked because someone told him about this site and some of us do have a curiosity for things like this - well mostly men probably (sorry guys). Dont assume anything til you have spoken to him and take it one step at a time, his reaction may be a big clue x
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (1 May 2008):
It may not be nearly as bad as you think. There MIGHT be a problem, but equally there might not. People register on "dating" sites - particularly the smuttier ones, if you know what I mean, for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with meeting anyone. It might be simply a "bit of fun" in the same way that surfing the web for erotic pictures might be a bit of fun. It doesn't necessarily mean he is looking for anyone other than you.
For example, you would find me on three "dating" sites that I can remember (probably others that I've forgotten about too). My partner knows all about it. I like exchanging messages with people, and I always make it clear in the first message that I'm unavailable and not "looking". In my case it's because that gives me ideas for the writing I do, but there are a whole host of other possible reasons that don't mean he's looking for anyone.
Look at the "evidence" so far: loads of messages not read. Good - he's not keen enough to read them regularly. Can't reply because he hasn't paid membership. Good - he can't have replied to any either.
I think he's doing no more than "playing", in the way that many men play and in the way that many men take a look at pornography without for one moment intending to be unfaithful to their partners.
So don't panic. Keep positive unless/until proved otherwise. Above all, don't go and explode with anger at him until you are a little more sure what he's playing at - and hope that "playing" is right. You can sort that out easily enough, because if he loves you as I suspect he does, he's going to understand perfectly that you are right to tell him to stop being so silly and stop playing around with these daft websites.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2008):
I'm not hoping for the worst, I'm preparing for what could be the worst case scenario. That's what you should be focused on now. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2008):
As Daniel said, snooping his emails is the least of your worries right now, and you'll figure out what to say when you talk face to face with him, so stop focusing on feeling guilty for that. Let's start to think logically here.
There might be some perfectly logical explanation for what is happening here, but you should have all your ducks in a row so that you are not being bamboozled. Make a copy of the 'evidence' if you can, forward the emails if you can to another email box if you can't print them out. If he is upset with you for looking into his emails, well, then I think you have much more to be upset about with him. If his picture is on this site, then print it out too.
What about your finances? Are they separate? Do you have a place to go if you can't stay where you are? Start planning now, it will help you deal with it, pull yourself together as best you can. If you're having trouble with this, then get your best friend (I know this will make you think of him as your best friend, sorry, but your next best mate) to come over and support you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 May 2008):
I guess you're feeling that you have a lot to gain if you stay with him. Maybe; I can't tell you what would happen. You need to think carefully.
Maybe you should tell him what you found out. Otherwise, it will bring you problems in the future. You might not trust him again, and you need to be able to trust him if you will marry him.
I just will say this, and for your own sake, not anything else: don't ever be afraid to start again. It's a chance for you to do things correctly this time. And don't let your fear of starting again put you in the hands of anyone else.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, little ninja +, writes (1 May 2008):
little ninja is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really dont know what to do..i aint scared of being on my own just scared of starting all over again..we went through a bad patch at christmas and got through it,i took my ring of last nite and just stared into space..he text to say nite and said he loved me so much and im also his best friend that tore me to shreds,i know i have to confront him how do i just come out with i read your e-mails..??..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2008):
Well that's a whole different thing; print out the emails so you have a hardcopy. Then can you go down to a web cafe and look at the site from there?
Big huge red flag on the fiancée now though, sorry to agree with you. Start thinking about what you need in terms of support from your friends and family, and reach out for help now. Also what needs to happen if you have to leave, sooner, rather than later.
Stay strong and think logically now. Ask for help from a close friend so you're not feeling so alone. Of course, we're here on your side too!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 May 2008):
I guess that snooping is the least important problem here. Maybe he is serious about marrying you and all that, but it's still true that he wants sex on the side.
Think what you will do.
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A
female
reader, little ninja +, writes (1 May 2008):
little ninja is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey,when i read his messages about 20 in all from women,men couples saying what they want to do to him..it had his password to the site ..so i signed in..loads of messages not read..checked his membership and hasnot made apayment so cant reply to any of them..i have just stood by him for 6months whilst he was in iraq and finding this out is devastating..he knows something is up as i wont tellhim whats wrong he putting it down to the miscarriage i think but saying that im dealing with that whats meant to be is meant to be ..end of day his pic is on some web site offering free sex..feel like if i approach him he just gonna turn it on me for snooping..i had my reasons ..a am a trusting person how do i find out if it is a site full of spam etc..or ami just looking through rose couloured specs..thanks to you all for replying..xx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2008):
Um, yuck. I too like Daniel tried to look at the site, and got sent immdiately after the page loaded to some Russian page. Looks like it's a real nasty site, possible that you've got some viruses on your computer as a result. Do not go there!!
Any IT genius aunts or uncles, could you have a look and help here?
Poster, don't panic just yet, this could be a computer thing gone bad...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I think your instincts are dead on and you should keep listening to them. My thoughts are if you're into marrying a swinger who will be into having sex with a lot of other women, then go ahead and get married to him. If you're not into having your fiance or husband screwing other women, then break the engagement. He is cheating now and will cheat after you are married. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think you should confront him about what you know and see what he says and how he reacts. His behavior once confronted will tell you whether you will have to share his penis with other women. The real question is whether you have the guts to tell him to get out of your life.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 May 2008):
I checked the site and it seems to be a very cheap one. Pretty crude, or so I think. There is no question what he wants from it, as the site makes it very clear. You're there, you're "up for a shag".
In my opinion, engaged people shouldn't do this. I would leave him.
For the curious, Upforashag.com has connections with spam and possibly spyware sites. Don't check it, or you may have some unintended results.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 May 2008):
You need to confront him with this as soon as he gets home. You say he lives on base so I'm guessing you are set to become a military wife which is a hard life and demands 100% trust.
I can't tell him whether to forgive him or not, that is up to you but I would postpone the wedding until you are 110 percent sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy through ups and downs, through Iraq and Afghanistan and through everything else life throws at you.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, TT +, writes (1 May 2008):
 I am so sorry to hear of your unfortunate situation. I know only full well what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you had put all your trust in.
Unfortunatley the 'easy' way out is to deny/ forget about what you seen, and how hurt you are. You have to find the strength (and you will) to face up to it. Firstly by confronting your fiance about this misgiving.
Remember to never blame yourself for anything that has happened.
Most people automatically point at themselves as the cause of their spouse's cheating, and you don't deserve that.
Your email doesn't state how explicit the emails were, and perhaps you could be jumping to conclusions about the whole thing. I often get spam/ junk mail on my emails from sites and people i've never seen or heard of. This COULD be the case?
The only way to resolve the issue, and move forward is to face your fiance. I am sorry to hear of your hurt, and i know how hard this must be for you, but it is the only way you can move forward. With or without him
Good luck x
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