A
female
age
36-40,
*nn611
writes:I went on three dates with a guy(who said he was single)I had just met. We hooked up twice, and now I'm pregnant. We tried to make things work as a couple, but he ended that after less than a day, because he said it felt forced. We both decided to keep the baby and be friends. So far, friends hasn't been working out because he never even texts me hi. I found out he had a girlfriend, and that I was actually "the other girl". I'm so upset and angry that I was lied to, and I have no idea what to do. What should I say to him?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Ugh. I think that you need to make sure he knows you will be seeing him in court as soon as the baby is born for paternity testing (you know it's his but this will be needed for the court ordered child support) and court ordered child support.
You can't be friends with him, but its his child too and you will have to have contact with him, I would get an attorney and have them send the letter registered with delivery confirmation (someone has to sign for it) to his home.
I'm not so sure I would let the gf know myself, rather let the attorney handle all of this.
You need to prepare for a difficult life as a single mother with a man who will probably give you grief over this child and the expense it will cost him for a bit of fun and games.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 May 2013):
Dear OP,
I would NOT count on this guy. Stay friends? How should this work out - a secret friendship with the mother of his child, so his girlfriend doesn't know? What was he thinking?
You were an affair and he probably felt bad he got you pregnant, but he clearly doesn't love you. You're about to raise the baby of a man you hardly know and who lied to you already.
The only important question is: Would YOU want to keep the baby even if this man was no help, no friend and no support to you? Because I'm pretty sure this is not going to work out like he said, also in the future.
It's your belly, you will have to take care of this child, so decide now what YOU want and please, again, don't hope for a big change on his behalf. Decide whether or not you are ready to be a single mom or not. The way he acted, he doesn't have a saying in this anymore.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Hi, I agree that the GF should be told , however, you need to meet with her in person and she needs to know that you did not know he had a GF. The reason you need to clear the air as this woman will also be part of your kids life when and if your kid spends time with the dad. Remember she is going to see you as the one that tried to trap her BF as its woman nature to try and defend the man because its hard to accept he cheated on her.
Also remember this is going to hurt and I dont believe this should be done over a phone call. Also prepared yourself for a backlash from this miserable SOB.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (13 May 2013):
I'm sorry you are in this position. You need to seriously consider your needs and the baby's. That guy is gone.......and really he was never there just for the release of pleasure. You are going to be a single mom, are you ready mental, physically and financially? If you are not prepared you need to consider other options. I was in your place almost 4 years ago. I cried right until I was six months pregnant. I really didn't want this baby. Today she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. How did I know she was going to fill my life with the little joys of growing everyday. Don't get me wrong I have had some really tough days and weeks. She is my greatest gift I have ever received. Her father is not in her life. He is with another woman and I should of know that he wouldn't of stuck around because he also walked out on his first daughter. So for me to go and tell his girlfriend anything is nt going to accomplish anything. She is with him and plans on staying with him. You need to make a healthy choice for you and your baby that you can love with. Good luck to you and your little one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): I see you have got some very good answers here but I thought I would add a bit more.
I agree with Chigirl and the others who say you need to tell his girlfriend -and fast. you need to and have a right to know how many other kids this loser has already as if you keep this baby then these would be the half siblings. also, she has a right to know what he has been up to, before he gets her pregnant too if he hasnt done so already.
secondly, you need to decide if you will keep this pregnancy or not. nobody likes the idea of abortion, but it is an option and an early medical abortion is not intrusive (up to 9 weeks for this procedure)
lastly, in future make sure you use contraception.
good luck and please update us on the situation
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2013):
 You ask: "....What should I say to him?"
You say to him: "Well, Mr Dog.... you got me to put out for you.... and you knocked me up... and you gave me just enough encouragement to keep me interested. THEN, I found out that you have another, REAL, "girlfriend".... and I am just your bit on the side..... Soooo, I am going to go to term and have your/our baby... and YOU, lucky lad, are going to get to PAY FOR him/her until he/she is 18 years old...."
Then, you go on with YOUR life... remember this as an unfortunate emotional lesson... and be the BEST Mother that you can be to that little baby that you are carrying... AND, make sure that you make "Mr Sperm's" life as miserable as you are able, for the next 18 years....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 May 2013):
 Tell the other girl, I think that might be a start. Figure out if she's also pregnant, or has children. I normally would say it's none of your business to tell the gf/wife, but in this case you're pregnant so it's different. This is damage control, and in order to prevent things from escalating you should make sure the girlfriend knows about you and the pregnancy. After all, it will come out sooner or later, but for now I think this guy is trying to hide you and therefor tries to have as little contact with you as possible. But once the cat is out of the bag he can't pretend you don't exist any longer. His gf also needs to wise up before he gets her pregnant too. That would surely create quite the mess.
So find the gf and alert her. This is in your own best interest. It's not to hurt the guy, the truth will come out sooner or later. But the sooner the better for all involved, or else the drama will increase, making it very difficult for you...
Don't count on him being there in your childs life. You're going to be a single mom. You will probably find another man to have in your life, it wont be this man though. But you do not need this man. As long as he accepts that it is his child, and pays what he is obliged to, then you do not need to be friends with him. Just be civil.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): Right, you will be friends. You just will be the pregnant one who has to take care of a child for the next two decades, and he might or might not take it out once in a while with no financial commitment whatsoever.
And single mothers ain't exactly hot on the market but a single mother with a deadbeat father who only shows up for the good times?
Time for playing is over, get your affairs in order. Decide on whether you are going to raise the child alone or not. And if he is going to be involved it involves a written contract with hard guarantees about financial payments and visitation rights. Or the coming decades in your life will read like a Jerry Springer transcript.
Girls can be stupid, mothers cannot.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 May 2013):
Hi there. It does make things very difficult, now that you know he is already in a relationship.
I really think that the only thing you can both do now, is to sit down together, and have a long heart to heart chat about exactly what your expectations are, and exactly what his expectations are.
I completely understand that you would want to keep the baby, as the idea of a termination is very upsetting.
The problem is though, that he is already in a relationship, and no doubt his girlfriend has absolutely no idea that you exist, or that you are pregnant, which will make things very challenging for him, as the months of your pregnancy fly by - and they will pass quickly.
If they live together, it will place a lot of doubt on him when she doesn't know where he is - if he decides to go with you for your regular visits to the obstetrician.
And then also, if he then decides to be present at the birth.
Somehow I think she needs to be told, or at least, he needs to decide what it is that he wants to do with his life, once the baby is born.
Whether he wants to be involved in your baby's life or not.
In any case, he will be responsible for paying you some sort of child support, once the baby is born, most definitely.
And this could either be done through the family law court, or a solicitor, or some financial agreement between the two of you.
Nevertheless, it needs to be discussed - sooner rather than later.
It is definitely NOT a good idea to do nothing, and leave this until after the birth.
And you need to make some decisions also, regards what you want for yourself and for your baby.
Unfortunately, you can't force him to marry you if he isn't truly committed to you.
If you are to be together at all, it must be because you want to be together - NOT just because you're pregnant.
And if you were to be together for the sake of the baby, well then in time - or sooner - there would end up being a lot of resentment on his part, which would inevitably lead to many arguments, and a possible breakup down the track, anyway.
And so you don't want that either.
There first must be love and commitment to each other, and then everything else will simply fall into place all by itself.
It will simply be effortless.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 May 2013):
 Just like being a couple cant be forced neither can friendship. I think what you and he should be aiming for is an amicable relationship where the primary focus of you both is the impending child.
An appointment with your doctore or mid wife together might be helpful. The expected progress of the pregnancy could be discussed in full and you could both decide what sort of involvment suits you both. For example, will he be present at the birth, how often should he contact you for updates on your pregnancy, when you should be introduced to each set of parents, and how much involvment his parents will expect.
Forget being friends for now, that may happen down the track a bit, but instead focus on learning what expectations you each have of the other, and how many of those will, or can, be met.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 May 2013):
Just like being a couple cant be forced neither can friendship. I think what you and he should be aiming for is an amicable relationship where the primary focus of you both is the impending child.
An appointment with your doctore or mid wife together might be helpful. The expected progress of the pregnancy could be discussed in full and you could both decide what sort of involvment suits you both. For example, will he be present at the birth, how often should he contact you for updates on your pregnancy, when you should be introduced to each set of parents, and how much involvment his parents will expect.
Forget being friends for now, that may happen down the track a bit, but instead focus on learning what expectations you each have of the other, and how many of those will, or can, be met.
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