A
female
age
51-59,
*eejuliet
writes:Dear Aunts, I am having a difficult time obsessing over a past love of my boyfriend's. I will call her Jane and him Jon. This is a woman he met about 18 years ago at a trade show. They were both involved with other people, she was engaged. They felt an 'instant connection' and Jane lied to her fiancee and even to Jon to go away with him for a week to another convention. Jon's girlfriend at the time found out just before they left and broke up with him in a fit. (who can blame her!) At the end of the week together they were engaged. However, Jon's now ex-girlfriend had second thoughts and wanted to get back together. Instead of refusing as he was now engaged to the girl of his dreams, he felt guilty at what he had done and got back together with her, promising Jane it would be for a short time and they would be together soon. Jane did not break it off with her fiancee. They were secretly engaged to each other while being with other people for several months before it just became a promice to be together someday. In Jon's guilty state he stayed with his girlfriend for another 4 years waiting for her to break up with him. Jon and Jane continued this emotional affair for the next several years, each refusing to break up with the one they had, but also refusing to give each other up. They lived in differant states and other than the time they met, the trip together and one other weekend, the entire 4 year love affair was all long distance. They were sexually involved during the week they went away together, but after that it was an emotional affar only, not a sexual one. Anyway, Jane got tired of waiting for Jon and did marry her fiancee and they have tried very hard to build a great life together. I have met her several times (including staying with her when Jon and I went on vacation last spring) and she is a vibrant, charismatic woman and I understand why Jon was attracted to her. The big problem is that he considers her the greatest love of his life, the girl of his dreams and no one can compare to her. But since they never had a proper relationship I am competing with a ghost! There is no way our relationship can ever be better than that one, cause that relationship was all fantasy! It, and she, will forever be perfect because they were never put to the test of existing in the real world. Now I am finding out more and more that she is a fraud. She and her husband are dancers,life coaches and motivational speakers. They put themselves out there as love/relationship experts when I know for a fact that the 4 years leading up to their marriage she was having an emotional affair and only married her husband as a 'might as well'. She puts in her bio (to show how worthy, acomplished she is) that she has been in several movies. However the 2 movies she has been in she was just an uncredited backround extra! And one movie didnt never even got released! She claims to have been a 'featured performer' at a superbowl halftime show. I looked up that show and she is not listed as a 'feature performer' (they are all well known names) but they did have about 1000 couples dancing at one point and there is no way to know if she was or was not one of the 2000 or so people on the field. I could claim to be one of them and you would never know if I was or was not! Just about every one of her 'claims to fame' are like this. She is also a higher up in an MLM (mulitlevel marketing) and anybody with half a brain knows that these are all pyramid schemes and frauds. I researched hers on the net and it most certainly is nothing I would EVER want my name associated with! It is all a scam! Also she touts as an example of her great sucess that in the past couple years she has bought 5 homes. I recently stumbled upon the fact that ALL FIVE of these properties have been foreclosed on in the past 6 months. Three of them she bought only last year and never made a single payment on them! Once I found out a bit I started doing more reasearch and now have the court case dockets, the mortgage records, etc. This is all public information you can get right off the internet. I want so bad to tell Jon of all I have found. To point out to him that she is not so wonderful or sucessful as he thinks she is, that she is a fraud and a con artist. But while I would love to shatter her perfect image in his eyes I am afraid that he would only get angry at me for pointing it out to him. He wants to believe in her perfection and will more likely resent being told the truth. Do you agree? Or do you think I could tell him? I have become rather obsessed with her court cases, checking almost daily to see what is happening with them. I am figuring that I will just keep checking until they are all resolved. Either auctioned off, sold or saved by her. I want to see what all happens! One has already been auctioned off and I keep checking to see when title transfers. One has a note that the auction has been canceled. Ohhh! I wish I knew why! Has she managed to 'save' this one? Two others are scheduled to be auctioned soon and the last is still an active case having only just been filed in August. I am a little worried that this might be viewed as unhealthy or meanspirted. Do you think it is ok that I follow these cases to their conclusions? Should I tell him what I know or keep it to myself? If I shouldnt tell him now, should I tell him once they are all resolved or never tell? Am I just being a jealous meanie?
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affair, broke up, engaged, ex girlfriend, fiance, get back together, got back together, jealous, long distance, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 You just put it perfectly: "I started becoming disgusted and angry and obsessed".
YOUR behaviour is making you disgusted, angry and obsessed. You need to break out of it. He is with you now. Focus on having a good relationship with him, try to stop thinking about her and (essentially) stalking her on the internet. It's damaging you, which will in turn damage your relationship. Your behaviour will in the end achieve exactly the opposite of what you want it to.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (12 September 2008):
deejuliet is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did not start researching her with the intent of catching her in lies and deceptions. I actually started poking around because I thought all she said was true and wanted to watch videos of her dancing and such! I liked her very much and thought that all I would find would confirm what she said, not reveal her to be a fraud. I was suprised at what I found and then started becoming disgusted and angry and obsessed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): doesnt everyone always shoot the messenger??? you have nothing to gain from telling Jon anything,there are elements of truth in all that jane has written about herself she has obviously just sugar coated everything to get ahead in business lets face it we all do a little of that on our CV, i am sorry to say that revealing your findings and activities is more likey to make jon question you and what your all about that you would snoop on this woman to this level, let it go love and find a new interest join an evening class to take your mind off it and fill your spare time with other things, remember he chose to stay with you in your real world than leave and live the fantasy, perhaps he is aware that jane isnt always completely honest,lots of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): You must stop this at once. It is turning you crazy and you are obsessing on this to the extent of anything else. Ok this woman is a liar and you want to expose her. No good will come to you if you do this. Jon won't thank you and he will turn on you and you will be labelled as mean spirited and obsessive in his eyes and he might even like the woman more as he will begin to feel sorry for her. I was like you over the woman my husband left me for. I researched her, found out things, followed her etc etc to prove that she was a liar and a cheat and it became my whole life. One day I sat down and realised this bitterness and meaness in me was getting me nowhere. Jon will not thank you for this and he will not see it in the way you do. I so understand how you feel but I can promise you it is likely to backfire. Very often without you having to do anything people like Janet undo themselves. she will not be able to hide all this debt and court stuff for long and it will all come out without your intervention. You for not saying anything and for knowing and not parading it around will make you look even better and a paragon of virtue. Truthfully revenge or dishing the dirt on someone becomes all consuming and it is not healthy/ I became absolutely consumed about ruining this woman and eventually I just had to accept it and let it go. I could have had posters put up all over London showing her for what she was but why waste my time and emotion on this. Jon's image of Janet is a cerebral fantasy. If he lived with her the illusion would be broken . I fear it is more in the mind with him then an actual physical affair. You must put all this to one side and get on with your own life with Jon. You will feel a lot better and happier if you let this go and just play a waiting game. I am thinking of you as I know what it is like.
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