A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:This is more of a question on friendships rather than relationships, but I didn't know where else to go to for advice. Basically tonight I done something I shouldn't have, I went on to my friends email account- totally innocently to resend an email she had sent me- and accidentally opened the wrong email.It was a email to the head of our year in University explaining why she had been missing a lot of classes etc. She then went on to explain that she was suffering from depression as she was a transgender in the early transition stages.This news came as a complete surprise and I'm so heartbroken for her to think she is going through this her self. I can understand its a personal subject so this is why she's never told me, but how do I deal with this? How can I get her to open up to me? Iv been doing a lot if reading tonight on transgender's trying to understand a little better, but I feel as a friend I should be there for her but I don't know how.Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly useful, and don't just highlight the fact I was in her email she has allowed me access before, I have seen it now I can't just pretend iv not, I really don't know what to do, I want to help her. L x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 ouchies... hard to know what to do.
not sure what to tell you but my first thought is this:
maybe find a way to mention to her that you have been reading about LBGT folks and that you are learning more and more about transgendered folks and you admire their courage and their struggles.
I'm just thinking somehow she needs to know that you respect her and like her no matter what....
the issue about reading the email... well I don't approve... did she know you were going into her mail?
was she ok with it... IF she knew you were going into her mail (at this time no in the past) then maybe she had it set up so you would see it??? (reaching here I know)
sometimes folks WANT to talk about stuff with friends but don't know how to approach it...
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 February 2013):
 lm9hi,
So far you are doing the right thing. Learning and not rejecting her. That is the important part. You probably shouldn't try to get her to open up to you. She will when she is ready. Living with a big secret is hard. Living wondering if someone is going to out your big secret is harder. Just understanding that she is uncomfortable in her skin will help you understand the whole friendship.
The best way to help her is to be a good steady friend.
FA
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 February 2013):
 i'm assuming she's female to male? or is she male to female? not that it really matters, i was just curious.my roommate is transgendered. well .. somewhat. i think she would like to fully transition to male, but i don't believe she's quite ready for the stigma she will unfortunately receive from those who know her and i don't think she has the funds to pay for it, either. She's never spoken about it to me and is not open about it whatsoever to anyone, but it seems very apparent she would like to transition.i still reference her as "she" because she has never indicated that she wants me to call her otherwise. probably because she hasn't transitioned yet. she's biologically a woman, but she's been taking testosterone for years and years and had all her female parts removed. The testosterone has made her incredibly masculine by now and has completely reshaped her face and her body. she lost all her hips and her jawline has squared off. her voice is deep like a mans now and she grows hair on her face. but she still has large boobs and you can still see some of her feminine features barely poking through. most people, upon seeing her, don't know what her biological sex is.anyway, she has never brought this subject up to me and i have never asked her about it because it is extremely personal and it's not any of my business. it's just one of those things i don't ask about out of respect.i understand your desire to want to be there for your friend. but approaching her about this may only ruin your friendship more than anything. if she's ready to speak about it, she'll come to you. that's my two cents. I think if you tell her what you saw, she'll freak out and lash out at you. i would keep it to yourself for the time being.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Yeah, I agree; pretend you never saw it and go on with the rest of your life like normal. If there ever comes a time when she herself is ready to tell you, just whole-heartily tell her you accept her and will still be her friend.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 "Hi [friend's name] I have inadvertently seen a private communication between you and the head of our year in University. I guess the previous access you allowed me before has somehow set it up so I could see some private communication that you never intended anyone else but you and the recipient to see.
"I just want to say that I consider you a dear friend and if you want to talk, I'm here.
"If speaking with me about this at this time does not work for you for any reason whatsoever, I am okay with that. I just want you to know that I will be there for you as you need me."
And then, you need to back off and recognize that you may have breached a line. Do not, under any circumstances, discuss your dilemma with your friends right now if you hope to have any chance of keeping a long term relationship with your friend.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I think just try to behave as normally as you can, but try to let her know you are there for her if she needs you (in a not obvious way if you can). Just wait until she is ready to tell you. If she trusts you enough to let you access her email account, I'm sure she thinks you are a close friend and will tell you eventually.
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