A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my dad has been cheating on my mother for the past 4/5 years (maybe longer) with women on the internet as well as women he meets at business trips. I found out because he accidentally left open an internet browser when I went on the computer after him and he had an account window open for an online cheating agency (ashleymadison) as well as his email open and I saw lots of messages from lots of women. I was shocked and ended up poking around and reading a few of the messages. I know I shouldn't have. They have been married for 30 years and she has no idea. She always gives me relationship advice and tells me that trust is important and that she trusts my dad 100%. It hurts me to think that he is deceiving her this way especially because she is a woman with a lot of emotional problems (anxiety, eating disorder, depression, OCD) and who is very insecure about herself.Anyway since I found this out (several months ago) I cannot look at my dad the same way. I feel rage inside and I feel like he is not the person I always thought he was. It has made me doubt my own judgment of people and I am becoming paranoid about my own boyfriend cheating on me. Whenever he leaves for business trips ( two-three times a year) I wonder if he will meet up with local women. I also found a HUGE stash of downloaded porn on the computer but that doesn't bother me so much as it grosses me out.This new knowledge is affecting my relationship with him I am repulsed by him. I have lost a significant amount of respect for him. I want to be able to love him again but I feel sick inside when I think of how he has betrayed my mother, and lied to all of us over so many years. I just can't respect him anymore.I have not told my mother and I don't think I ever will because i don't want to get involved. I wish he had never left those internet sites up so I would never have had to see them. What do I do?
View related questions:
insecure, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Lose your rag with your Dad, he deserves it. Tell him that because you know you expect him to do something about it because the knowledge of what he is doing to your Mum is not something you should have to handle. He must decide whether it is right that you know and she does not. I am sorry, but I feel that since you do know, he must tell your Mum. She may be a little fragile but that is no excuse, she is not a child and has a right to know. Perhaps she would not be ill if she was able to find herself again outside of the marriage. These things can lead to miraculous life changes even though they are heart breaking too. She has a right to know about the reality of her own life and choose how she lives it. Maybe she already has an idea. Your dad is damaging YOUR faith in men and humankind as well, which is completely reprehensible and disgusting. If he wants to live like this fine, but not whilst pretending to live a normal life. He is a thief of trust and love, he is now sucking reserves of this out of you and your Mum although she does not even know it yet, in order to live his life as he wants to. It is selfish beyond words and you have every right to be disgusted.But take heart. I recently read some research which showed that only 7 out of 10 men would be unfaithful given the opportunity, even if their partners sanctioned it. There is no reason to suppose that your boyfriend would do the same to you. Plenty of women are unfaithful and opportunistic too, but how would you feel if your boyfriend reacted to you the same? Say his Mum had an affair and he took it out on you? Wouldn’t you find that just a bit unfair? Don’t take it out on him, hang your Dad out to dry! He must work to repair his mistakes and pay his dues. Nothing in life is for free, only stupid people think they can get away with being utterly selfish and pay no price. Make him do the work, plus make sure he does not involve you when he speaks to your Mum. It would be too awful if he denied it and she chose not to believe you – be prepared for things like that. You have the right to express how you feel as well as be atomic angry. Good luck, don’t be scared.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): babe. this shouldn't be effecting you, you dont diserve it. if your dad knew how much you are hurting he would want to something. talk to him soon. he should be the one to tell your mom. good luck.
xxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 October 2007):
 You definitely need to talk to your dad. This will fester inside you, it needs to be aired. He needs to do the right thing by your mother, insist that he does, or your respect for him will never be recovered. Talk all this over with your boyfriend as well, he needs to know the turmoil all this has caused you. Good luck, honey, keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I think you need to sit down and have a serios chat with your dad. Tell him everything you have found and how it has made you feel. He needs to know how he has impacted your life. I think the two of you need to come to some sort of descion on what you will do. I think if anyone should tell your mother it should be your father. I don't know if her knowing would be for the best, but if he isn't going to stop then she has to know.
I have found out my partner has been cheating for the last few years. Sometimes i wish i had never found out and that i could have continued to live happily without knowing, but deep down i know that i'm glad i found out and i'm glad i'm not going to live the rest of my life at risk of catching an STD or having my partner come home one day and say i'm leaving you or he has gotten some other girl pregnant.
Talk to your father
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I really feel for you. I think I would have to tell my mom. I would feel as though I was also betraying her if I didnt.
Dont let it effect your relationship, if you have to then explain to your boyfriend what you have found and how it has created certain worries within your relationship. See what he has to say I am sure he will reassure you that he has no desire to cheat - dont worry about porn, thats normal. Not all men are the same and Im sure that you look for very different qualities in people than your mom does, therefore your relationships will differ greatly.
I hope you find the answer. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I really feel for you. I think I would have to tell my mom. I would feel as though I was also betraying her if I didnt.
Dont let it effect your relationship, if you have to then explain to your boyfriend what you have found and how it has created certain worries within your relationship. See what he has to say I am sure he will reassure you that he has no desire to cheat - dont worry about porn, thats normal. Not all men are the same and Im sure that you look for very different qualities in people than your mom does, therefore your relationships will differ greatly.
I hope you find the answer. x
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi,
It looks like you have made up your mind already. "I don't think I ever will" is what you said.
The only alternative is to confront your dad, tell him that all he has said over the years is a lie and the only way he can redeem himself is to promise to never cheat on your mother again, otherwise you will tell your mum.
I'm afraid though that I'm highly sceptical of this approach. For one, your dad will realise that he's been caught out and will make extra efforts to hide his secret life. Secondly, he has probably been behaving like this for many years and it will be a mighty hard habit to break especially if he is a businessman with ots of money and plenty of time away from home. How would you know he is being faithful then? Finally, its not up to you to keep tabs on your father, he is answerable to your mother but she is totally unaware of his secret life. Do you think she would appreciate it if she found out years from now and found out that you had known for a long time?
The upshot is, that now its affecting you. Your boyfriend will no doubt be barraged with new questions after he has been away and I guess the biggest thing to try and remember is just because your dad is a liar and cheater it doesnt mean your boyfriend is to. Just look at a lot of the letters on this site, there are so many people who lose out on relationships because they cannot trust their partners. I hope this doesnt happen to you.
You have some very hard decisions to make, I dont envy you, but at the very least you cant sweep this under the carpet, cheaters like this rely on their conservative wives/daughters to recoil in shock at their exploits and live in denial.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I know exactly how you feel about worrying of your boyfriend cheating. Sometimes I feel the same way. I believe the only reason someone would cheat is because their lover isn't giving them something they need. As long as your boyfriend is satisfied with the relationship, I don't see why he'd look for someone else.
If I were you I'd confront my father about it. I don't think it would make him stop, but it's much worse on you to leave him alone. I wouldn't tell your mother. Let him do it if he ever feels guilty enough. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Personally I feel honest is always best. I'm not saying tell your mom, I'm saying let your dad know how he has disappointed you, and how you feel about his actions. He might decide it's best to tell her, or he may feel guilty and stop his poor behavior.
Remember this, just because your dad has been meeting up with women, does not mean your boyfriend is. They are two separate people and you need to look at them and treat them as being separate.
Take care and good luck
...............................
|
