A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I met a man across the country who lives in Seattle (I live in the east coast). He remained faithful for almost 2 years and before I flew out to see him I found out he was still on date sites and had dated several and hooked up with 2 (no sex). I was very hurt and stopped talking to him for a few months but during this time I fell out of love because the 'love goggles' were lifted and I stayed with him partly because I thought I could trust him again and I wanted to meet him in person. Also, I was still sexually attracted to him despite what he did and we both had only 1 relationship prior to ours and he has only been with 1 person sexually whereas I have been with none but everything he did destroyed my trust in him. I stopped telling him how much I cared and loved him and I grew distant as we continued talking and made plans to see each other soon. Well a few months into it I wanted to see if he was still on a date site and also because I wanted to look at other guys. Well I continued with it for 2 months until just a few days ago he called me and asked me if there was something I wanted to tell him and i told him I was on it but that meant that he was on it as well. His profile was blank with no pictures and no words but only had his status as 'single'. He said I cheated on him and he felt betrayed and his hands were shaking when he texted me (i rarely pickup the phone anymore because I just don't like to talk to him - i feel he is a creep and liar). I asked him why he was on the site if he wasn't on there to cheat again like he said he wasn't and his response was that he was on there because he saw it as entertainment and liked looking at other girl's pictures. I said he couldn't have possibly been on there without intention to cheat especially on a date site when he had cheated with those date site girls prior but he said what he did was wrong but he did not want to cheat on me with anyone. Even when he found out I was on a date site myself he did not break up with me and he says he is not cheating but I don't know what to do at this point. I still want to see him in person but I think that is all I want is just to see him in person. He doesn't want to see me if I don't want a relationship with him. Sometimes I blame everything that happened on our relationship and sexual inexperience and being immature. I am not sure if I should continue talking to him just to see him, call it quits and try to move on from him. I still find it odd that he would be on a site with a blank profile if he only wanted to 'look' at pictures. Why would a man do this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 March 2016):
You haven't even met him in person yet?
I think you should end it and find someone local, someone you can actually touch and hug.
I can't imagine calling something like this a relationship. It isn't. Its a fantasy.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2016):
 This guy "sounds" like all words and no action. He's a charlatan, and you're being naive to believe that he's anything but..
Protect yourself....(that is, watch out for YOUR interests, first)... and get away from him.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 What difference does it make why a man would do this? Why does anyone do the things they do?
The question is why is he still in your life? And why are you still interested in meeting up with him?
Block and delete. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2016):
 Honestly, OP I think you know that he is full of BS.
Even if he IS serious, that he goes on dating sites for grins and giggles, what kind of person DOES that? Does that to their partner AND to the unsuspecting women on THAT dating site? Does he think all the women who have signed up, are there for HIS amusement? What kind of F'd up attitude is that? Towards women in general and to you, his partner.
ASK yourself that.
JUST because he is your first sexual partner doesn't mean he is THAT special or that you HAVE to trust him or stick it out with him.
The fact that you were "silly" enough to even START anything sexual with him AFTER knowing he had been cheating on you with women on dating sites, makes you seem... desperate. But don't feel totally bad, MANY women who find out that their partner is doing suspect things STAY with these guys, because they HOPE that IF they (the women) just LOVE the guy enough he will change. He will stop being a twat and stop cheating.
You shot yourself in the foot by ignoring the red flags that wee there from the get go. And now here you are.
YOU lowered yourself to HIS behavior. You signed up on a dating site to monitor him! And to DO the same dumb stuff HE did to you. Since when does two wrongs make a right?
You did it without think about WHAT you were going to do when you DID catch him and here you are, not liking what you found and not being "smart" enough to realize the BEST option is to WALK away. Block him from your life and move on.
You have to decide whether cheating is a deal-breaker or not.
You might want to continue to "see him in person" is that your code for FWB btw? But he ONLY wants to see you if you will have a relationship with him and that means... ALLOW him to do what he wants.
This isn't rocket science, OP.
Even if you care for the man, he is 1. hardly the only decent man out there and 2. hardly a great fit.
So now you have to decide - do you want to be with a man who doesn't really respect women, who doesn't think there is ANYTHING wrong in cheating and playing with other women's and your emotions.
OR
Have you wasted enough time on this one? Maybe it's time to find someone... closer to home and closer to your own values.
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