A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi,what do i do, i have been married for 16 years, together for 20, we have a 10 year daughter and 1 year old son, when our son was 2 months i found out my husband had visited a prostitute for oral sex whilst i was pregnant. eventually it came out that he had been looking at porn on the pc and using chat sites on his phone, this had been going on for 2 years. talking to women, two he met up with, one he kissed, the other wanted a long term relationship so he left, another he went to her house for 10 minutes and had sex with her.he told me all this himself after i found him out with the prositute. devastation dosent come into it. in short, it put a huge spotlight on our relationship. we realised we didnt communicate as we could of done, there were work pressures, he begged for forgiveness, took himself off to counselling, alot of things from his childhood came to light, lack of love etc, although i see non of this as an excuse. i have always been one to look at the bigger picture, i an not an overally affectionate person, he had a problem with ringing sex chat lines many years ago and this has never gone away, happening with a gap of 3/5 years not consistent. he has flirted with people at parties over the years, all this has come to light, we get on great, have a lovely family, wanted to emigrate to austrailia, at he end of the day i have no trust in him and twelve months on i still dont feel any trust returning, we decided to try and make it work, we had more to gain, i have tried to accept what has happened, and why, but i just dont trust him, i think he looking over my shoulder all the time, all what happened, happened in work time, during the day, he dosent go out, dosent have a phone, or does he? i just cant see a way forward, my brain is so tormented it feels like its being squeezed. has anyone been thru anything like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Oh god! I feel so sick just reading the post and the responses - because a week ago I was in the car with my kids, and when I arrived at my destination and was starting to get out of the car, I suddenly realized that for the entire journey an opened condom wrapper had been sitting on the dashboard of my car, but it just hadn't sunk in until then. The sickening part is, if it had just been the one part of the wrapper, I might just have convinced myself that one of the kids had picked it up off the ground somewhere... but the OTHER part of the opened wrapper was there too. I can hardly speak about it. Anyway, I searched around my husband's things, found a couple of fairly tame porno pic's he'd printed off the internet. I know he has a fetish with women's underwear, but I found all kinds of bras too, and garters and such. Anyway, the next night I confronted him - and he denied denied denied. So I PERSISTED: yelled, screamed, begged him to tell me the truth, tried every angle. This went on a long while. Then, when I asked if he'd had a blow job, he suddenly said "yes, I had a blow job". I'm still suspicious of that, he said it so quickly, as though he was jumping on something that was less 'bad' than the reality maybe? Anyway, he blamed me. And swore this was the only time he'd been with anyone, was just a quicky in the car. Too long a story. But the truth is, if he had immediately admitted to me that he'd been with a prostitute when I confronted him, I would have been upset but probably would have believed him that it was only that once. But since he lied to me for a good half hour, looking me straight in the eye, I now have lost all trust in him and can't believe anything he says. I can't discuss this with anyone, I did phone an online counseling service before i spoke to him, but this is the first time I've told anyone about this. I don't know what to do. Prostitution was legalized where I live a few years ago, and it makes you wonder if men can justify to themselves that since it's legal, it's somehow 'OK'. But still, I think that it's one thing to fantasize, and quite another to step over that line and actually 'live out' the fantasy. I can't help thinking that if you're capable of crossing the line once, god knows what else you're capable of doing. We didn't have the best marriage, but does that justify this and the lying? He says he was under stress, but I'm under the same stress. I wonder how can I ever find out or know if this was a one-time thing or has been ongoing....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi. Just read you letter. Ive been going through a similar thing. My husband was unfaithful several times before we were married, then after we got married everything meemed to be prefect. But in January, I found a business card with a manchester massage parlour. It turned out hed visited it whilst on business in manchester. He said he'd had oral sex which wasnt that good, he said he was dissapoined but thought it would be exciting. He lost his virginity many years ago to a prostitute. What an IDIOT! Im so mad with him and want to leave him, but we have a 2 year old daughter and I dont want her to grow up without a father. I dont trust him anymore and not really sure now what to do. Through it all ive never shouted or screamed at him, just cant believe he would risk our family for the sake of a blow job!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): Hi,
So sorry for your situation i too am in a similar situation to you been married for 30 years and my hubby started with the porn then the saunas then the private flats for sex with prostitutes keeping it all in his work hours too sometimes going in his lunch break!! I AM ILL TOO it has got to the point i feel where do we go from here we are going to counselling where pretty much the same thing you have been told we have too but i feel he has an sex addiction and needs clinical help we are seeking that out as i speak the whole thing destroys your worth your self esteem everything the trust goes and you feel what have i left and why would i want to stay with someone who has done this to me do not blame yourself this is his problem not yours it is only your problem in the sense he has brought it into the relationship i cannot tell you what to do i can only advice like me you must still love him you have young children where mine are adults and still with me albeit they are oblivious to all this you do have to protect your children and he should be realising that too he sounds to me like he needs a reality check he does'nt appear to be taking his duties seriously i dont know the reasons why he has done this only he will know but you have to ask what your reasons are for staying in this relationship if i was you i would consider going out to Australia if he wants to make a new start with you then he can go too one thing for sure it would be away from your normal enviroment and maybe it is a big change but sometimes we need that and maybe he does too the thought of a new life is maybe just what both of you need think about this if you have family there and they are willing to help you out take that help take every help you can gather the burden is less on you that way i hope this works out for all of you being together all those years surely has to have meant something for both of you dont give up there is life after deceit and sometimes it takes the thought of losing everything you have to make you wake up and smell the coffee tell him that he is in real danger of losing you all if he does'nt quit all these bad habits see what he says but mean it dont just say it he needs to know you mean busuness now good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I just do not know how you can be in the same room as him, never mind the same house. I just hate people like him. My husband (now ex) had three affairs in the time we were married. I was a battered wife as well. I found out this after we got divorced by a number of people. If i had know at the time i would of got out. I really feel for you. Sorry, but once they do it they can never ever stop! I think you have to make the decision yourself, but please remember, you only have one life! Don't mess up on it, make the most of the future that you have.
I think you will never be happy with him, because how can you forget just what he has done to you.
Take care and i wish you well.
xx
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (30 March 2007):
 I can sympathise as I found my ex in bed with another woman many years ago. After that, that was the end.
You have obviously been through a lot with this man, and must love him to some degree to stay with him all this time.
I am not a forgiving type of person, and I find it extremely difficult to trust people due to past experiences. This for you has been one hell of an experience to go through, so the problems you have with no trust etc, is really normal.
If after 12 months, you still dont trust him, I think you know what the best thing for you is. If you cant trust him then there is no point trying to make things work that obviously just arent going to get better.
Although he had issues as a child, and I can sympathise because I had to deal with a lot of things when I was a child, that doesnt make up for what he did or possibly is still doing, who knows!
You need to do what is best for you and your kids. The chances are that your kids pick up on the bad karma in your home when you are together. Its not a good environment for them either, and the stress isnt good for you!
The decision is yours. Its not an easy one, but it has to be made. Do you stay with a man that you just cannot trust, or do you divorce him and have a happier home life with your kids by your side. Happier for them and happier for you by far!!
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