A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started going out with my fiance about 8 years ago, and we have a 6 year old son. We broke up for about 4 years ago (I broke up with her), and we got back together about a year ago.I recently discovered some photos on her computer that I'm somewhat concerned about. A little over two years ago, she was seeing a guy who was a swinger. I found a photo of her in a restaurant with our son (who was 3 at the time), and another photo of her in the same restaurant that was taken about 5 minutes later (about 1:30 pm) in the second photo, she is sitting on a bench at a booth (it's clearly the same booth as our son was at). In the second photo, my fiance is lifting up her skirt (a very short skirt) and showing her privates with her legs spread (she is very clearly not wearing underwear). Other people are clearly visable in the background about 10 feet away sitting at a table, and it appears to be an Applebey's type restaurant. In a couple other photos taken about an hour later, my fiance is bending over a bed (wearing the same skirt) and showing her privates again. There's a close up of her privates in which it is very obvious her bf just finished having sex with her. Our son is not in these photos. But, it does make me wonder who was taking care of him while they were having sex, how much he saw and/or heard, etc.I knew she had been seeing this guy, and she was not cheating on me at the time because we were not together. She has since then said she's changed her ways, gotten serious about going to church, etc., and in fact has refused to have sex with me until we're married. My feelings about this are very confused because I'm feeling a lot of jealousy about the explicit photos of her privates right after she had sex, but I'm also concerned about how much our son might have seen, who was taking care of him while they were having sex, etc. Should I confront her about flashing herself to her boyfriend in the restaurant while our 3 year old son was with her? Also, we're supposed to get married in a couple months, but I now have this image of her privates right after having sex with her ex burned into my brain. When I think about seeing her in her wedding dress, all I can think about is the photo of her privates. It's really giving me the creeps about the wedding. Once again, I knew she'd been sexually active with this guy (and others) while we were separated, and she wasn't cheating on me, but the graphic image in my mind is really messing me up right now.There's no good way to say this without getting somewhat graphic, but part of what I'm struggling with is that she had told me this ex bf was "huge". In the photos, her privates are quite swollen and red, and it appears to me she was either very highly aroused, and/or she'd gotten bruised from very rough sex (I really don't know how to tell the difference). For some reason, this makes it all the worse in my mind.Lest you think I'm a huge hypocrite, I am fairly conservative when it comes to sex, and I did not have sex with anyone else while my fiance and I were apart.Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm just really confused right now.
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broke up, fiance, got back together, her ex, jealous, rough sex, underwear, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): "So, she had sex with the huge guy but won't have sex with you unless you marry her? Dude, you really got the short end of the stick there, didn't you? What are you still doing with her? Your mind should be screaming at you to run for the hills at this point. She's just not marriage material."I totally agree. There is no reason for a self-respecting man in your shoes to tolerate this. [Mod note: the couple in question have a 6 year old child and were together for 4 years. They had sex.]
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2011):
 You need to talk to her. I think marrying her with this on your mind would be a HUGE mistake.
Also, the photos.. It might have been her "rebellion" after you dumped her, she wanted to know that she was still hot & sexy, so she did things she might not have done if she had to think about them first. Secondly, her ex might have a bit on the pervy side. Which again could explain why she dated him. It may not make sense to you, but it did to her.. at the time.
I think you have EVERY right to know where you child was when those picture were taken and more so, why she kept them. If she "changed her ways" as she says she wouldn't need THOSE around.
Obviously you son is not traumatized, so when you ask her, don't go overboard and focus on how YOU feel about it all, not project emotions and damage to your son. Be open and honest.
PS if his HUGE pecker was all that.. she would be with him, not you. So let that one go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): "she's changed her ways"
If she really has, then go with that. But, before you get married make sure that this is really the case.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Well can you talk to her about i mean you werent snooping you just happened to find these pictures right? Do you think she would be mad? Dont approach her accusingly approach her more like honey i stumbled upon these pictures and now im feeling concerned and tell her why. It should be something you can have a conversation about without ending up in an argument. Thats my reccomendation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): So, she had sex with the huge guy but won't have sex with you unless you marry her? Dude, you really got the short end of the stick there, didn't you? What are you still doing with her? Your mind should be screaming at you to run for the hills at this point. She's just not marriage material.[Mod note: have to point out the obvious that the OP did have sex with her as they have a 6 year old child and they were a couple for 4 years.]
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): First, I think you have a right to wonder about if your girlfriend is right in the head. My divorced sister-in-law used to be a very concerned mom and once she started dating a new guy she lost her head. She would leave her 12 year old son home alone overnight while she spent time with her boyfriend and do things like take him to the shooting range with the boyfriend even though her son has emotional problems and she is (was) very anti-gun. Love or lust makes people do stupid things and your girlfriend definitely did stupid things.I think the while thing about his big cock and how her privates look is just a red herring. You are insecure about it, which is normal. Your gf probably should not have "kissed and told." There's nothing particularly damning here other than she's a bit wild and irresponsible, but I think that if you are conservative about sex and worried about her parenting skills then perhaps you are not a good match. Why did you break up and why did you then get back together?I also want to say that this is a lesson to all people out there that they should be careful about the photos and videos that they take. That stuff can come back to haunt you. If you like to do that guard it carefully and get rid of it once the relationship is over.
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