A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was doing the laundry last night and I found a hotel key in my fiance's pocket. The day before, he had gone off to run an errand as well as pick up the food shopping and he took so long I started to get worried about him. A trip that should have taken him around 1-1.5 hours took over 3. He left the house really flustered and came back in really flustered too. He said he had ran into a friend and they had had a coffee together and a catch-up and the shops had been rally busy, hence he took so long. I thought nothing of it.I don't know what to do. He has no reason to go to a hotel room for anything. Help..... I have hidden the key and put his fleece through the wash and acted like everything is normal and he hasn't mentioned anything about it or that day again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): OP here, I have an update. Earlier today I was in town, decided to go shopping to cheer myself up and walked from my friend's place instead of getting the bus and lo and behold, ran into X, friend of my boyfriend (ex.. maybe by now unless he does a turnaround and comes clean.. and thanks a million Honeypie and everybody for being so supportive), whose name was mentioned as having given him the mysterious card. Total synchronicity!!! He stopped me and said hi, how's it going, where's your man today then and I lost it in the middle of a busy street. I started crying. I'm usually a tough old bird but I just lost it so he took me to the nearest coffee shop and bought me coffee and said ok, what's going on.I told him what had happened, the circumstances of finding the key, but decided not to say anything about his name having being mentioned. He didn't looked surprised/shocked.. nothing.. he just calmly said "your man is not the type, believe me, he's just not the cheating type, period. He loves you to bits and wants to marry you". I got myself calmed down and waited for him to say something, anything, about having given him the card. Nothing. We drank our coffee and he gave me his phone number and said any time you want to chat, I am here. But there was something almost sleazy about the way he left.. and the lingering kiss on my cheek. And I had this really odd feeling that he might be about to try and milk the situation.Now this is a friend that my man/ex-man doesn't see very often as he works night shift and is a real night bird usually, so I was quite lucky to run into him. But now I am left more confused than ever. Surely if he had wanted to help me and get us back together and he HAD given him the card, he would have said something, he would have wanted to volunteer that information, right? So does this confirm my suspicions .. and most agony aunts on here as well.. that of course he NEVER gave him the card. Given that my boyfriend told me two different, and COMPLETELY implausible tall tales, it seems likely. But then he could also be trying to milk it in some way. It all just stinks doesn't it?I rang the boyfriend/fiance/ex-fiance/ whatever he is now and told him I had ran into said friend. He said oh right, be careful, you can't trust him, he's a real s^^t! I waited for him to say anything else about the card. Nothing. So I said ok, he took me for coffee because I got upset about us and we had a chat. At this point boyfriend lost it and started shouting at me down the phone that I am a s^^t and he is disgusted that I would walk out of "our home" and then go for coffee with another man.Since earlier this afternoon I have received several texts from him calling me a s^^t, telling me I must have planned leaving him all along and that he is disgusted with me and never wants to see me again.Well, this is all very revealing. Something is being hidden and I'm rapidly getting to the point of giving up on him entirely now.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 I'm sorry he couldn't just be honest with you.
I find it odd that he didn't offer to call his friend so that you could ASK about that card, if his friend really gave him the card I would presume the friend would tell you just that.
But again he takes NO responsibility here.
1. he wants you to JUST forget about it.
2. He said "Because I like to confuse you, keep you on your toes".
Really? He is making this ABOUT you. NOT him, not the card or the truth.
I think giving him (and yourself) some space and time to think may BE the best thing to do. He might feel he NEEDS to tell you the truth, he might not. You might decide that it's not a big deal, you may not.
I hope he grows a set and tells you the truth, whether it's an ugly truth or not, I think you deserve it.
I would in the meantime try not to over think things. Like your friend who mentioned credit-card scams etc. There really is no proof, same with the cheating. Only little things that don't seem to add up.
Good luck, and I'm sorry he is choosing to NOT be a grown up and take responsibility and be honest with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): I think you've absolutely done the right thing in leaving him. At least you still have your old place to go to. If he does love you and hasn't cheated then he should do everything within his power to win you back. If he has cheated, then odds are he will run straight into the arms of the other woman as soon as you leave. Really sorry you're going through this. Be strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): OP again. So upset. I just had to get some space from him, me and my friend hit the pub and had a good old natter. I slept at her place just for one night to get my head clear. She has never liked him, interestingly. I knew this though.She thinks he must be cheating, or if it isn't that, then why have that card? She doesn't buy the whole nine yards story about someone giving it to him, although she did say something odd about credit card fraud and hotel workers etc. stealing magnetic swipe cards to copy credit card data onto them and use them for theft. I have to say that never crossed my mind, but either scenario is REALLY bad anyway.She also got me to think back over the past few weeks and months and had his behaviour changed and had he mentioned another woman and he HAD started talking about a new work colleague who apparently likes him and she had been flirting with him on a coffee break, but he laughed and said she was ugly, which I thought was really nasty. But maybe that's a cover....? He had also been EXTRA nice to me a couple of days running up to me finding the card.... but then before that, he had said and done some sort of minor hurtful things, but they caught me by surprise and we fell out over them.I so want to get to the bottom of this. Something else has happened. He was upset with me when I got home after my night out, but I did tell him I would be staying over at my friend's place. I sat him down and said I basically want the truth or I leave and this engagement is off. He said he had told me the truth. He looked really upset and asked me to please forget about it and that it's "just a card" and it really has no meaning.So then I asked him why he had told me the differing stories about when he got the card. I have no idea how I didn't boot his backside out the door at this point. He said "Because I like to confuse you, keep you on your toes".I stood up and took off my ring and slammed it down on the table. I was so angry, it really is a good job he left. I don't know where he has gone and I'm not too sure that I actually care at this point. I have packed a case with my work clothes and important stuff and I'm going to stay at my friend's again while I figure out what to do.I moved into his place, so it makes sense for me to leave. I own my own flat about 10 miles away and it's currently rented out, but I think I will give my tenant notice and move back in/see how the land lies with my friend.I am so upset. I just don't know where to go from here. I am sitting here with the hotel key in my hand. I wish it could speak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): I'm really sorry, but it certainly sounds like he's lying to you. I think you should ask him to move out (why should you have to go and live at a friends house when you haven't done anything wrong!). If he's lied to you once, odds are he'll only do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): He is such a terrible liar! Don't relieve the pressure unti he spills everything. Simply refuse to talk to him until he's ready to tell the truth. Don't yell. Don't make threats or ultimatums. Just do not live with him or talk to him until he comes clean. It's the most horrible feeling for this to happen when you thought you were blissfully happy.Trust me, the pain you have now is nothing compared to how you will feel if you swallow his lies and let it slide without getting to what happened and why it happened. You really don't want to find yourself in your mid 40years with kids and a gap on your cv (maternity leave) and a husband who you've realised is a serial cheater. That's a grim reality you'd rather avoid if you can.Have the truth now. You owe it to your future self and to your future kids.You'd rather break up an engagement at this age than go through the above. Tell him that whatever the truth is, it can't be worse than what you're imagining. Your relationship is never going to be the same again unless he tells the truth and tries to make it right
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2015):
Obviously, YOU know him better than us. But I do think he was lying. He was straggling to make up a lie you "might" swallow and thus told you two "different" lies - one that he got the key card a couple of days ago and then the lie that it was one months ago...
YOU caught him in a lie. BASICALLY.
Since he doesn't own a credit card, checking his statement wouldn't work, and... it could be the other "party" paid, which also means the ROOM was under the other person's name.
So what do you do now? I think BEFORE you go spend time at a friends house I would SERIOUSLY question him if he think you are a TOTAL idiot. And I would ASK him what HE would think he HE had found a key card in YOUR stuff. I would ALSO tell him that lies are BY far more detrimental to a relationship then the truth.
Give him some food for thought.
After that... Take a few days to decide your next step and who knows maybe he will MAN up and be honest with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): I decided to ask him about it earlier today. After lunch I casually took it out of my pocket and put it on the table in front of him and said what is this. Why were you in a hotel? His face kind of changed, it looked like surprise, something kind of shifted in his eyes, maybe shock. Anger or something. Then (fake?)confusion. I told him I found it on the floor. I didn't say clothing, which pocket etc. etc. Just the floor. He did seem flustered and didn't answer straight away. Then he said it was in his wallet to stop his cashpoint card in the cards section of the wallet getting bent out of shape when he sits down etc. and that it must have dropped out. So I asked how come, if it was in his wallet, what was it actually doing in his jacket pocket. He said he must have taken it out of his wallet to give it to someone and that's why it was in his pocket.Doesn't make sense right? So I said ok, why on earth would you want to give it to someone. His answer was that it must have been next to a piece of paper which he wanted to give to someone, maybe someone's phone number.By this point I got really angry and demanded to know what the heck the truth was and where did the card come from, which hotel, from when and that I wasn't buying his story of the wallet. He insisted that it was in his wallet just to protect his debit card and that a friend gave it to him a few days ago. I got so angry that I broke a glass and stormed out, he got angry that I didn't believe him.. come on...... who would?? A few hours later I came back home and he apologised for getting angry. I just said I MUST have the truth or our relationship is over, that it looks like he is having an affair/using an escort.He again insisted the card was given to him by a friend in the pub. I asked him when. He said a few MONTHS back. So he has contradicted his original story, which was TRULY bizarre anyway. Whenever I have gone in his wallet (he has told me to to get cash for food shopping etc.), there has only ever been his cash point card and his E111 insurance card, nothing like this.What do I do now? I'm going to my friend's place this evening to get some space as if I don't, I think I might hit him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): I wonder whether the receptionist at the hotel would recognise your fiancé if you showed her a photo of him (if he's a regular customer she might). Perhaps a little extreme but you could buy a GPS tracking device to follow where he goes.
Or maybe it is just time to ask him outright.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): OP here again, I checked his email but didn't find anything untoward but it did look as if some of his phone activity had been deleted, calls and texts. So if there were anything there before, it's gone now. He's on PAYG so no bills and as far as I know, he cut up all his credit cards like me, as we're both paying off debt, so he would be more likely to pay with cash. Or the other person paid. But there's no record of him staying at the hotel anyway according to reception.
His friends just came over for their regular football match. I wonder if I should just have this out with him when he comes back in. I felt calm before but now I'm getting worked up and angry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Thanks so much everyone who answered, it's so helpful. I calmed myself down and have said nothing and did some research and the hotel is a well-known and quite expensive one around 15 minutes walk from where we are. It's the Clarion, so normally about £100 a night according to their website. Unless you get special deals. I took a walk down to them and the receptionist was an absolute sweetie and I ended up telling her what had happened! She said it was their key, took it and swiped it but bizarrely it had nothing on it. She did it a few times to double check. Then she even went onto her system and looked for his name and found nothing. She did say though that if more than 24 hours have gone by since a person checks out, nothing will show up on the system.Last night he was late coming home from seeing his friend, so I got suspicious and went down to the hotel (someone here advised me to do that I think). The same receptionist was there and she showed me a place to sit in the lobby which was a little bit hidden from the main door, kind of down by the spa entrance, but I would be able to watch people coming and going. No trace of him. I rang his mobile and it sounded like he was hurrying, he said the bus had broken down and he sounded really stressed out about it. I walked home and he was back within 20 minutes.Not sure what to do about it now. I think later on today I will show him the card and see what he has to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Agree with the suggestions below. Check his phone /email account if you know the passwords too. Don't tell him how much you know when you confront him - just ask him for the truth and see whether it corresponds to your own information. Make sure you have somewhere to go before you confront him.
It is very suspicious that he has a hotel room key in his pocket but that isn't absolute proof that he's cheating. It's possible there is alternative explanation (although I can't really think of one!).
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Don't forget to check credit card / bank statement.He might have been silly enough to pay for the hotel using plastic.Look out for dinners for 2 that you didn't go on together.If you can't get concrete info, casually suggest inviting the friend that he bumped into to your place for dinner since you've never had the opportunity to get to know each other properly. If he squirms at the very idea of it, you know something is off.Alternatively, purposely accidentally run into this old friend of his and be chatty about it's great to see them again and how your fiance mentioned their lunch at work the day in question... We both know they didn't have lunch but if the friend confirms they had lunch then you know there's a cover up. Personally, I don't have the patience for all these games. Without mentioning the key, I'd simply say let's talk. Now, please tell me what REALLY happened on that day. Ofcourse he'll be thrown and he'll try to find out what/ how much you know so that he can explain it away with some BS. You simply insist that you want the truth and don't answer any questions about why you have suspicions. He probably won't spill the beans straight away. So you simply say you're giving him 24 hours to really reconsider whether he wants to keep lying to you or not. At this stage, he'll call / email/ facebook message the other woman or the hotel to find out what dirt you've found and in so doing, he'll lead you straight to the truth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2015):
I agree with WiseOwlE
Call and confirm check in/out time/ Single/double room. I seriously doubt they will tell you ANY juicy details unless it's a tiny hotel, the staff might not even remember him. After all the front desk staff might have seen him for 5-10 minutes while checking in/paying and he might not have "stuck out".
I would ALMOST be tempted to not confront him YET. I would wait till you get another "loss of time" episode and go to that hotel and hang out in the lobby... (can call first as ask for his room, I doubt he is lodging under an assumed name). THEN go sit in the lobby. See with your own eyes what is up. And HE will SEE you too, so he can't make up some grand lie or cover it up.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
There is no GOOD reason he would run around with a key, IF he didn't go there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): I agree with Miss.Wait. You should contact the hotel and confirm it's location and the time the key expired. This will give you a time-frame and date. This is a spoiler alert of the worst-case scenario. Cheating!
Your fiance has some "splaining" to do. It is my advice that you handle this firmly, but calmly. Don't go into hysterics or lose your cool. To do so, will give him an excuse to refuse to talk about it. He'll leave to give himself time to think and manufacture a feasible explanation. There won't be one.
Insist on the truth on the spot. Let him know that if he doesn't tell the truth; you will draw your own conclusion. Then proceed to tell him exactly what you think/know it is.
Demand nothing but the truth, and have the guts to hear it.
This is the man you've promised to marry, and you deserve nothing but the truth. Don't let it slide. This may be an ongoing affair, and you will have to make a life-changing decision once the truth is known.
PLACE ALL WEDDING PLANS ON INDEFINITE HOLD. If the truth is what you suspect, don't hesitate to cancel them altogether.
A cheating fiance; is only a preview of a cheating-husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): I would do what miss.waite suggested! Ring the hotel and pretend to be the pa of Mr (surname here)! Then you can go to him with what you know instead of guessing.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Waite  +, writes (25 June 2015):
locate the hotel and phone them to query the room. Explain you are the personal assistant of your husband whom stays in many hotels as part of his business position. Ask if he left his phone there, requesting the night he stayed as a means to spark memory into if he can remember the phone on his person whilst there. Check the room size, and if possible the 'female' he attended there with. Explain your boss to be somewhat promiscuous, failing to remember which exact lady friend he spent time with on this occasion. You can check the date used, size of room and if charm permits a description of a woman if he did in fact spend time with? You clearly know in your gut something does not add up. Hiding from these feelings will not serve you well. If you do not want to accuse, use the information you have to gain more knowledge. At which point you may feel armed to take which ever steps you feel required. Good Luck We have all had to deal with this type of situation before. The more you know the less likely he is to wriggle out of this situation. If he is in fact up to no good. You deserve the truth, so seek it. With as many facts as you can before revealing your 'hand'. There is so much truth in the saying that one may catch a thief but not a liar. A liar will essentially continue to lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): I personally would ask him point blank if he is having an affair, and what he did yesterday. Don't mention the key at all. And if he is honest keep in mind the first "truth" he tells probably is not the whole truth.
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