A
female
age
41-50,
*stina
writes:so ive been involved with my boyfriend for 9 months (hes 40 and i am 29)....i care about him so much but sometimes things are so hard..he is separated and has three young children who always come first as i know they should. a big part of the struggle that i have with this relationship is that i constantly have to suck up my dissapointment and my frustration when he has to cancel a date or when he sidelines me in anyway because something is going on with one of his kids (one of them is sick, soccer practice, etc.) i know that this is something that is part of the deal when you get involved with a man with kids but it still hurts. dissapointment is dissapointment. i feel like im expected to be understanding of his situation and put my feelings and needs aside often.and i do it because i care so much for him...but in return i feel he should be understaning of where im coming from, it would help if every once in a while he could go the extra mile or do something to show me he cares...he doesnt do that..not once in 9 months has he done something to make me feel special..a couple weeks ago he told me out of the blue how much i mean to him and how he knows how hard this is on me (not being able to spend weekends or much time in general, last minute cancellations, etc).. and he want to try harder to make it work and make me happy.he doesnt want to lose me..well i have seen none of this effort..i havent been able to spend any time with him this week because he was having drama with one of his kids..and when i finally got to see him last night, he spent most of the night on the phone dealing with "the **** show at home" as he calls it..he left me sitting at the dinner table alone...he also had to leave at 6:30 am to run to his kids house to make sure they got on the bus...he goes its ok sleep in and on my way back ill pick up some stuff and cook you breakfast (a gesture i thought would have been nice) 2 hours later he comes back empty handed..i was like oh so i guess your not cooking breakfast..to make matters worse, xmas is on sunday..he got me nothing.. i dont care about the gift its the gesture same thing with the breakfast..so i got up packed my bag and go im out of here! he looked at me like i was crazy and then he was like ill drive you to the train station and i was like no i dont want anything from you!!...i stormed out..i was just thinking about everything all together and was just so hurt...i cried the whole way home i am just so upset..he made no effort to call or text and neither have i..i know he now thinks im crazy, like i just flipped out and left for no reason..i just dont know what to do or how to handle this..4 minutes ago - 4 days left to answer.Additional Detailsi dont want to give up on this relationship, i want it to work...i feel like i've blown everything with him the way i acted this morning, although i cant blame myself for doing it..does he just not care? should i not try and talk to him for a couple days?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I lived that nightmare. It will never change and you'll become resentful. Find someone who is able to give you the time and attention you need.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): I disagree that the kids from the prior marriage ALWAYS should come first. That goes against what relationships and marriages are supposed to be. If someone is going to ALWAYS put their kids first above everything and everyone, that person has no business being in a marriage or intimate relationship, not even to the kids' other biological parent!
Relationships have to be two-way. A one way relationship is not a relationship, it's one person fulfilling the needs of the other while the other doesn't do anything back because their priorities are elsewhere.
His kids should not be neglected. His kids should be a priority in his life for much of the time. But there should also be times when his partner or spouse comes first. Otherwise he should not get involved with anyone else if he's unable to contribute to such a relationship.
Many marriages are like this too where spouses stop making each other a priority because they have kids and the kids consume all their time and energy. Such marriages tend to go stale or turn toxic, maybe one partner starts looking outside the marriage to get emotional needs met, and end in divorce.
it's about being able to balance relationships and fulfill responsibilities in all important relationships, including with the intimate partner or new spouse. He doesn't neglect his job just because he has kids right? Do his kids come before his job? some time they do. But not all the time obviously or else that would mean he never shows up. It's all about balance
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Is he the very best you can do? Because it sounds like you're being treated like a rebound! He's not treating you well at all... What's the point being around when at 29 you should have endless options. You might think he's wonderful and potentially 'the one', but he's certainly not treating you in the same way. Go to the bookshop and read this book ,'he's just not that into you'. Dint waste precious time with this guy- before you know it the years And dating opportunities will roll by. 100% you did the right thing by leaving in the morning...Him not contacting you at all reinforces where you stand in his books. Now go spend time with friends, join groups from meetup.com, sign up for online dating, hangout with family, hang out with coworkers, pursue your hobbies.... Keep yourself busy and forget about him. You deserve much better than how he treated you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Wow u sound like me years ago. I was about ur age wen I met my sons father (his age) freshly divorced w two yg children. Now 13 hrs later the advice I would give u is RUN LIKE HELL, as fast as you can or ur life will become hell!!!!!!!
I got pregnant by my man almost from the onset, and was so in love w him, I welcomed it. I wanted to b a mom and thought that he was so dedicated to his kids from his divorce. Well let me tell you, there's a reason women divorce men and vice versa. It's been pretty much a struggle for the past decade as he would not marry me after having been there and done that. Ironically we r still together, don't know how really.
His kids from his divorce always came first, even over our son.
Love my son, he is such a blessing. My advice to you is to leave this man. I know u have feelings for him, but trust me you will b better off in the long run. 3 kids are not just a commitment, but a huge expense. This man will always b broke. He is on the rebound as it takes some time to get over a divorce and he may not be emotionally ready for years.
Try to find someone ur age without the baggage.
There are so many young single men out there. Start fresh with one of them and good luck to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): First I think he is too old for you. Second, you deserve a lot more than this. Third, if you ever want to have children he will probably not do that with you since he has three already. I don't think this is a good relationship for you at all. You should be a priority for your partner in some way and you're obviously not and you may never be. I don't think that is right for anyone but especially not for someone in their late 20's. You deserve to be loved and adored. Don't waste your youth on him and his family - you'll never be a part of the family for real.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 I completely agree with the previous poster.I think that you have bitten more than you can chew- three young children and going through a divorce ? It's already a miracke he can spend SOME time with you. Sure, it's human that you feel disappointed when he cancels, and that you wish you were higher among his priorities, but I feel you have just paid lip service to accepting the situation and underestimated how complicated it is going to be for him- and for you. Cooking breakfast or buying Xmas presents does not sound like much , something that everybody could / should do... but in this scenario it just adds more pressure thoughts and committments for him, it's one more " to do " on the list, not a pleasure. If you want to stay with this guy you have to brace yourself with lots of patience and nerves or steel, otherwise you'll have to look for a childless guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 December 2011):
Sometimes you need to accept the fact that someone just isn't right for you. I'm guessing you don't have children of your own? Is he and his wife just not living together anymore or are they legally separated? Why are they separated? How long have they been separated?
I know that you understand that he's obligated to his children first, but you're not okay with being at the bottom of his "to do" list and that's where you're going to be, so either you're going to have to accept it and continue feeling hurt and frustrated all the time by him not valuing you more or taking your feelings into consideration first; or you can find someone that doesn't have so many other obligations that can pay more attention to you.
Just to play the Devil's advocate a little bit--if he's about to go through a divorce, he's probably broke...like really broke, especially with three young kids. He probably can't afford to get you a gift, but it's also not Christmas yet and guys shop last minute a lot of the time. He had to take the kids to catch the bus at 6am, felt bad, and told you he would make you breakfast because he felt bad...he got home and was tired and exhausted and didn't feel like making breakfast anymore. Does that mean you shouldn't be upset? No. I probably would be too, but just trying to give you some reasons for the behavior. After all this...he may be a great guy, but he can't juggle what's going on right now and a relationship.
Besides everything else, timing is important. If it's not the right time, a relationship may not work out.
...............................
A
female
reader, missy123456 +, writes (24 December 2011):
you have gotten involved with a guy who is not ready to commit to you. You have gotten involved with A MARRIED GUY. Not divorced and singled. If this guy is really going to be divorced, than that in itself is a devastating thing to go through. Why? Because you planned something so emotional with someone, you plan a life together, you have children with each other, something so unique to that couple, and so bonding. He is not ready to let that go, his family is not ready to let that go. They are not interfering and disturbing, it is you.Once this guy has truly divorced and is ready to move on, then maybe you will not just be a fling and a rebound.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): I feel sorry for you, but in all honesty I believe you made the right choice. It sounds like he just has little time for a relationship, and what little time he has is not dedicated to you, but himself. To get back together with this guy would be to assign yourself to the role of being the person that he cares about when he's done with his kids and himself. You are not 'leftovers', but a person in your own right. If the situation isn't right for you, then you should recognise that and move on - don't be the square peg hammered into that round hole. You are still young and have no need to sell yourself short.
...............................
|
