A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone out there can help me because I am a complete mess at the moment.I broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago and now I am going crazy, I miss her so much and I'm scared she has met someone else. I'll start from the beginning.This is going to make me sound horrible... when we broke up, it was the third time I had done it to her. The first time we never actually broke up but I still said I wanted to, we worked it out there and then but the words had still been said. A couple of months later we did actually break up, I loved her so much but things felt different and I didn't think we were supposed to be together so I finished it. I realised straight away that I made a mistake, people say you don't know what you have got til it's gone, well that was right for me. We worked it out after a couple of weeks and we were happier than ever. Then I lost my job and started to struggle financially, I felt like I couldn't give her the attention and care she deserved because I was too busy looking out for myself. We spent an amazing 2 weeks together before I had to move away for work, she even came with me at the start of my new temporary job. After a week of the being away it started to get strained, we only saw each other for less than 2 days a week and by the second week of it I thought I was doing the right thing when I broke up with her again, thinking it was the final time. She was absolutely devastated, we were so close and did everything together, we always told each other that we loved each other and it was amazing, but I felt like it had changed which is why I did it. For the few days after that we had limited contact, but I knew straight away that I missed her. I also hated myself for making her so upset, she was my baby and I had hurt her so much, everything she had done for me and everything she had bought for me or given me kept reminding me what a fool I was. I knew that I couldn't say I wanted her back again, i had no right to do that. Then after a couple of weeks, we were still talking on Facebook and text, we met up and spent an amazing day together, it made me realise that I really had been an idiot and I desperately wanted her back. She said that she couldn't get back with me at the moment because she couldn't trust that I wouldn't break up with her again which I completely understand. At the same time she has started to get her life back on track which is great, on facebook i can see that she is adding guys, they're probably only her friends but I'm now so scared that she might meet someone else. We had something so special and she always said that i was the only one for her and would only ever be the one she wanted. It hurts me so much to think that she might just move on to someone else...I know she can do what she wants but i suppose the heartache is, can she really just find someone else and forget what we had? I flipped a bit the other night and sent her a text saying i really want her back, then i sent a message on FB saying that i was so jealous of other guys that she might be meeting up with, it felt like i just broke down and didn't know what to do with myself. As a result she really lay into me and told me that I was pushing her too far and making her feel so rubbish. After it cooled down she text me saying that I shouldn't pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to and that she needs time to be able to miss me. She ended the message saying that she will always love me and to take care.I'm so confused, I don't feel like doing anything, I know I need to pull myself together, if she ends up not wanting to be with me then i've only got myself to blame but part of me is wondering if she will ever get in touch with me again. I don't know what to do, please if you have any good advice that isn't suggesting I go out and find a girl to take my mind off it then let me know. I'm a complete mess.
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, jealous, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 It's hard to let go of soomeone you really love. I know all too well. I know how your thoughts can become so consumed that you can't really think about anything else. It can make you sick.
You really have to try and get this off your mind for your peace of mind. If you need to talk about it then find someone who is close to you and understanding. However try not to rehash it over and over because you will only do yourself more harm. It's possible to annoy the person you are talking to also.
Please get out with friends and do things you enjoy to help keep your thoughts away from her. It can be hard if they are mutual friends, so try to hang with people who only you connect with, at least for now. Don't try calling or texting her. She has already given you her opinion on that. Remember that when you see her it's ok to be open but you should let her be the one to approach. For now that is what she wants, distance. Perhaps she is trying to sort this all out and can't cope with the stress it's causing her when you make ANY attempt to reconnect. *Been there, done that, still got the teeshirt....it has holes in it! *Smiles
You have just got to let this go for now ,because it can make you feel absolutly like you are loosing your mind. If you can't cope you can also try to get some professional conseling. It might be able to help you understand more about why you feel like you do, and what to do about your situation.
Everybody needs Somebody....Sometimes....
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo clearly I am weaker than even I thought...I sent her a text yesterday, not gushing or anything, just saying hi and I hope you're ok, that was it. Didn't hear from her for a while but this morning I got a reply saying, i'm not ignoring you but i'm still pretty upset and think it's best we don't speak for a while, i'm thinking about you. I text her back and just said I miss her, she said she misses me too. I don't know, it's good to hear from her but the part of my brain which is obsessed by the thought of her having met someone just won't go away. I've read some other articles on here and people say that it can help to meet someone, it doesn't have to be love, but often it is a way of getting over the person who broke your heart. I can't and won't do that, I don't know if she could, I really hope she hasn't purely for selfish pride reasons. I hate the thought of someone else touching her or kissing her, being in her bedroom with her...i really need to find something else to occupy my mind!
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 October 2008):
Finding someone else quickly is quite possible, however if it's true loves she feels for you then chances are you won't be forgotton so quickly!
I know how you feel about the rollercoaster ride. I used to say I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride and I didn't even pay to get on..and wish to heck I could just get off and forget it! *LOL* You do know that a rollercoaster always comes back to where it started?
The not knowing phase just kills ya inside,I know! Try focusing on yourself more and less on her. It helps you to get a better perspective on your needs. It can make a big difference in how you feel about her or even how she feels about you. Be patient as you said. Only time will tell.
This makes me think of a phrase "It's never easy.....letting go. Sometimes though it's the only thing we can do. Sometimes it even turns out to be the best thing too. When you focus on yourself it is easier to reflect and many times helps you to gain better insight on what really went wrong. I hope this helps.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're probably right and I don't blame her if she doesn't want to get back with me because it was my fault. The painful thing that eats away at me is not being able to tell her I am sorry or not being able to do anything about it. I don't even know if I will hear from her ever again. That's killing me inside...
...............................
A
male
reader, Crafter  +, writes (12 October 2008):
 Ah, man
It's a tough story that one. I know that right now the last thing you want to hear is accusations, but come on! You let her go 3 times...
Anyway, whats done is done.
In my eyes, I don't think she'll have the courage to be with you again. Right now I can only imagine what a nightmare you're going through, but the good news is that it gets better with time. You'll probably be sad for weeks or months, but eventually it will get better.
This is also difficult to accept, but she probably will date other people. That hardly means she's not sad or that she's gotten over you. It's just that some people tend to recover (on the outside) faster especially when they were the victim in a past relationship.
So... be sad. Cry, sing, sleep, do whatever it is you do when you feel bad. Sooner or later it will go away.
And LEARN from your past mistakes. Don't doubt yourself, because other people will start having doubts themselves too. When the next one comes by - and she WILL come - try to be more confident and determined.
Nobody's perfect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank Blue Angel, I know you're talking a lot of sense, it's just hard sometimes. It feels like I am on a rollercoaster, at one point I think i can do this and i know I need to give her space, then just a few minutes later and I can't get her out of my mind again and I just want to let her know how i feel. Thing is I know she knows how i feel, that's the problem, i've told her so much now it's not letting her move on. I just don't want her to confuse me not being in touch with me not caring...i suppose only time will tell if I am doing the right thing. At the end of the day I know that if nothing happens and she decides she can't get back with me then I have only myself to blame. Do you think it really would be easy for her to find someone else so soon?
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 October 2008):
Sometimes time can heal a broken heart. You have to let her go. If she still loves you after all the hurt you have already put her through give her time to figure out what she really wants. Which in turn will give you a chance to know for sure that she is really the one. *If you love someone set them free if they come back to you it was meant to be. This phrase is most often true.
You have to come to terms with your feelings and the reasons you didn't think it was working out. You already know that you miss her and you have become jealous of others paying her attention. It seems that since you told her this she feels *pushed or in some other way stressed to come back to you. You must not allow yourself to do whatever you are that makes her feel like this. It will only push her farther away.
The best thing for now would be to basically leave her alone. Going into her facebook site and seeing all those names is really nagging at you. So try not to do that. Let her have her space and privacy, no matter how hard it gets. If you see her be yourself but don't appear too affectionate toward her,just treat her like a friend. If you see say hello if she speaks but don't seek her out.She has to get over her feeling of stress from the breakup and you trying so hard to get her back. She obviously isn't ready for that. In time she may be ready for a reconcilliation. Most likely if she still loves you and wants to be with you then she will let you know.
Remember that you wanted this breakup as well as the other times. She is I am sure reluctant to come back into the same situation all over again for fear it Will happen again. You have to be straight forward and sincere about the relationship. If you want a change in your situation then you must change your outlook, by doing differently. It must be something that she can see and feel safe knowing that you are sincere. In some ways you have lost her trust and faith in you. There is a saying.....If nothing changes then everything will remain the same.
Since you are pretty certain that things weren't the same anymore you must find out why and find ways to correct your problems. One you do that she is bound to notice, cause if she really loves you, she is probably keeping an eye open and an ear out! *Smiles
God bless,
Blue_Angel
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 October 2008):
Sometimes time can heal a broken heart. You have to let her go. If she still loves you after all the hurt you have already put her through give her time to figure out what she really wants. Which in turn will give you a chance to know for sure that she is really the one. *If you love someone set them free if they come back to you it was meant to be. This phrase is most often true.
You have to come to terms with your feelings and the reasons you didn't think it was working out. You already know that you miss her and you have become jealous of others paying her attention. It seems that since you told her this she feels *pushed or in some other way stressed to come back to you. You must not allow yourself to do whatever you are that makes her feel like this. It will only push her farther away.
The best thing for now would be to basically leave her alone. Going into her facebook site and seeing all those names is really nagging at you. So try not to do that. Let her have her space and privacy, no matter how hard it gets. If you see her be yourself but don't appear too affectionate toward her,just treat her like a friend. If you see say hello if she speaks but don't seek her out.She has to get over her feeling of stress from the breakup and you trying so hard to get her back. She obviously isn't ready for that. In time she may be ready for a reconcilliation. Most likely if she still loves you and wants to be with you then she will let you know.
Remember that you wanted this breakup as well as the other times. She is I am sure reluctant to come back into the same situation all over again for fear it Will happen again. You have to be straight forward and sincere about the relationship. If you want a change in your situation then you must change your outlook, by doing differently. It must be something that she can see and feel safe knowing that you are sincere. In some ways you have lost her trust and faith in you. There is a saying.....If nothing changes then everything will remain the same.
Since you are pretty certain that things weren't the same anymore you must find out why and find ways to correct your problems. One you do that she is bound to notice, cause if she really loves you, she is probably keeping an eye open and an ear out! *Smiles
God bless,
Blue_Angel
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): I think you need to pull yourself together and come to a firm decision that you are prepared to carry through completely on your own: do you want to be with your ex-girlfriend or not? What she might or might not be doing with other guys is irrelevant to this question. You can't look to her to make up your mind for you. If you stand any chance of convincing her that you really have made up your mind in a meaningful, lasting way, then you need to behave as if that is so. No desperate text messages, waiting, hoping that she'll take the next step. No jealous little messages on Facebook. You feel bad about the way you've behaved? Good -- you should! How to stop feeling bad? Stop acting like a frightened little boy who can't make up his mind. Ask her to dinner. Go as far as your budget will allow. Plan on sustaining this effort for as long as it takes. It doesn't always have to be the most expensive thing, you can show that she matters to you and that you're determined to win her back by investing time and thought into the way you woo her. That's right -- woo her! Men woo, while boys wallow in angst.Even if you do pull out all the stops and give it your best shot, she might not take you back. But at least then you will know that you did all that you could to win her back, and the finality of the loss will at least be clear -- which can be useful for moving on. But with luck -- and a lot of determined effort -- I hope you can win back her confidence. And have a better relationship going forward. Good luck!
...............................
|
