A
male
age
36-40,
*yeNeedhelp
writes:Dear Cupid,My question is related to sexuality, and I almost feel as though I have the answers myself but I just need someone to bounce them off. From an early age I have had a pretty high sex drive. My tastes in pornography have mostly been heterosexual, but occasionally used gay pornography too. Being aware that I do find certain aspect of homosexuality erotic, I have also developed an interest in the nature of sexuality and have studied it in some detail at university. My reflections got me to a very comfortable point where I felt secure in a heterosexual identity, being mindful of the fact that I probably have a voyeuristic interest sometimes in gay sex. I have never found myself lusting after a man in person, either temporarily or over a long period. I have had a bit of a quarter life crisis the last couple of years (I'm 28 now), trying to work out what to do with my life. I've spent months at a time out of work, living back home and feeling bored/frustrated. Last summer, out of a mixture of curiosity and sexual boredom I download the Grindr app on my phone. After a few conversations with guys and not knowing why I was on it, I got in touch with someone local to me who I decided to meet for an encounter. Without going into the details, we kissed and he gave me oral. It last about 20 mins and then I left. I reflected a lot on the experience as can be expected. The adrenaline of trying something new and breaking a taboo was exhilarating, but the clincher for me was the kissing, which I found very difficult to get into. My previous heterosexual experiences involved lots of kissing, something I really, really enjoy. The difference between kissing a man and a woman was night and day and this actually made me feel a lot more secure...The 'problem' I guess that I keep encountering is that I will fairly regularly use the app to chat to guys, still find it a sexually exciting experience. Afterwards I feel very depressed and lonely. Essentially I just want to find a way that I can find a meaningful relationship with a girl as I have only ever felt any truly romantic/loving connections with women. Can you offer any insight/perspective of what might be going on?Thanks in advance
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male
reader, EyeNeedhelp +, writes (1 February 2016):
EyeNeedhelp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thanks for the insightful responses guys. To respond to a couple of the points made...I didnt really explain that I have found it very difficult to meet women the last couple of years. I am living in a small town, and really dont have a good social network around here. On top of that I have reallt struggled with my body confidence. I have tried meeting women online, but have found this a pretty frustrating experience too. It seems as though there is very little passion when dating this way. Even though I do have a high sex drive, I really don't like being to forward with girls. The response about me being turned on by a forward approach to sex is bang on, a very good observation that I wasn't conciously aware of until I read it! My issue has always been that I would never want to force myself on a woman, partly through a lack of confidence and partly genuinely because I hate sleazy men. The problem is that that I am a naturally passionate and romantic person. There's some deeper issue to do with self confidence that I do need to work on, but it was great to be able to get this off my chest and great to read your thoughts. Again, thank you very much.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 I don't see a problem. So you like chatting with men. Ok. And you like kissing women. Ok. What's the question?
Oh, don't tell me, you want a label on your forehead? Sorry, labels are for cans, not people. You like what you like so go with the flow. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 If you want a meaningful relationship with a girl, what are you doing to further that goal?
You make some interesting choices of words. For example, you use the word "secure" in the context that you are locked into a heterosexual identity: "My reflections got me to a very comfortable point where I felt secure in a heterosexual identity" and "The difference between kissing a man and a woman was night and day and this actually made me feel a lot more secure"
So you feel insecure and uncertain in some way when you contemplate the homosexual side of yourself that is being expressed.
You downloaded an app, not knowing why, you got in touch with a local guy, not really knowing why, you had a sexual encounter, not really knowing why. You say you find it a "problem' that you continue to use the app to chat to guys, that you find it sexually exciting.
You didn't like kissing the one guy. Doesn't mean you would hate kissing all guys.... Perhaps you need to be romantically interested in the person you are kissing for it to be compelling?
I think you are making a lot of choices but don't seem to be in control of them...
You are sexually aroused by the chat and the taboo-breaking.
You haven't mentioned anything that you are doing to try to connect romantically or sexually with women.
Would it be okay in your world to be bisexual? Or even straight out (ha) gay? If not, why not?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 It is okay to experiment. You say yourself that something doesn't quite seem the same as being with a girl. So my guess is yes your preference is still with girls. That doesn't mean that you cannot be attracted to certain aspects of men. Why do you feel depressed? Are you in the mind set that you are doing something wrong by talking to these men?
You are single at the minute and this is the best time for you to experiment and find out who you are. It is possible that you are bisexual. It is your choice if you want to explore this side of you or not. The thing is, as long as you are comfortable with yourself and open to yourself about who you are then I say do whatever feels right to you.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (1 February 2016):
 First off, I just wanted to thank you for being so candid and open. Sexuality in all its form, comes down to "attraction". There are people who are attracted to men, women, both, down to feet, to long hair, to full lips, to even more explicit and unforbidden things. So what youre attracted is what your attracted to, whether that is women or men. From what Ive read, youre a completely straight man. Youre attracted to women and enjoy kissing women, that is ultimate sign of a straight man. The fact that you enjoy talking dirty and sexual with a man comes down to ---not to the fact that you like men (which is not wrong if you do)--but may be the way in which men COMMUNICATE their sexual desire.What I love about some men is that they are forward, sexual first and then everything can be solved out later. I feel like most straight men can love a woman ONLY after theyve fully made love to her and seen how responsive she was. Even if there was a mental connection, Ive seen men falter in their commitment to a woman after realizing they didnt enjoy sex with her.So it may be your attracted to the forward and open sexual communication other men have, which may be lacking with women. You enjoy kissing women, but the forwardness from other men is so freeing and much more exciting.Women are built differently, taught differently, and grew up differently. There ARE very forward women out there, who can be as exciting and fun but you have to open to those. There are more submissive women and less subtle women. It really comes down to finding what you enjoy MOST and going for that.As a straight women, I find that I'm attracted to more emotional men--not feminine but men who are impulsive feelers. I find that kissing a more emotionally man created more passion--and even after a dominant love session, he knew how to slow down and tenderly kiss and allow me to caress him.So it varies. You can find a straight woman with more sexual fun attributes, just make sure to be open to her when shes in your path. Good luck.
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