A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have had two failed marriages both of which they cheated on me. My relationship with my boyfriend is falling because I find it difficult to trust him, it is not because he has done anthing wrong, he wants to go to night clubs with friends which I don't feel happy about and we have arguments even about the newspaper he likes to read which is the Sun and mens magazines, I think I look at if he wants to do these things it makes it more likely for him to cheat, please help me sort this out, is it all in my head?
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female
reader, LauraE +, writes (31 July 2007):
Every relationship where one or both of you has emotional baggage from previous relationships is obviously going to be harder to maintain. The way to make it work is for you both to try a bit harder. That means he is aware that you have been hurt, and need a little more sensitive handling. He should go the extra mile to reassure you that he is interested only in you. But at the same time, you must try to trust him if you want to keep him. Accept that he has friends of both sexes and goes out with his mates. When he goes out, do something to stop yourself brooding. Maybe go out with a mate to see a film, or just go round to their place for a girly night in. When he comes home, force yourself to only ask if he had a good time, and no more. Ban yourself from questioning him about who he met. Gradually, you will learn to relax and really trust him. It will take time, but it will get better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): I am just like you. It is hard to trust, especially at our age when things have gone wrong twice - I also have two broken marriages.
Has your boyfriend got the same interests and level of intelligence that you have? I ask because I would not date someone who was that different to me. I don't like the women's celebrity mags much either. I think they promote shallow stuff like people's appearances and how to get famous by shopping, behaving outragiously and having double d plastic boobs. My partner reads Motorcycle News (not threatening but he loves his bike!)and whichever newspaper has a dvd in it that he wants. He is very intelligent and reads a lot of novels too.
I briefly went to nightclubs a couple of years ago out of interest but gave them up. Oldest swinger in town - ring a bell? There were plenty of married, middle aged men there trying to persuade me to have a fling. It does not mean that yours is misbehaving, but he could be.
They are after all places where people go to meet people, mostly. Why doesn't he want to go with you? Are his friends single and on the pull? My partner would only go if I went and even then I would have to drag him. We are much more likely to make a fab dinner, have friends around and loads of wine.
Perhaps this is just a compatibility issue and you are setting your sights at a level less than you are. It sounds like he is annoying you, he is too old for a teenager's life. He is a "recycled" teenager and you maybe want a real bloke.
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A
male
reader, 8102  +, writes (30 July 2007):
I am in a relationship with a woman who has had 3 failed marriages because of wandering husbands, I have not talked to them, so I don't know their side of the story, remember, there are always 2 sides. I know in my situation the girl I am with, who I am absolutely in love with, is very distrustful of any conversation I have with any women - PERIOD -. It is difficult to say the least, because I do know women that I say hi to if I see them. I have handled it by just advoiding talking to other wommen because I know how it bothers her. I am hoping that as our relationship grows that she will understand that it is her that I love and it is her that I want to be with, but it can be stressful at times! I guess the question is: Do you trust your boyfriend. As a relationship matures it is normal to have guy and girl nights out, it can be good for your relationship! This does not mean going out and chasing the opposite sex around, if your going to do that then why be in a relationship. Sometimes when guys go out, they come home realizing just how lucky they are with what they have at home. Sometimes they go out just to be with the boys and spend sometime together. I am no expert on this stuff but I think your concerns are normal and I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and be honest in your feelings with him and tell him how you feel and why. If he sincerly cares about you and is committed to his relationship with you he will make changes to satisfy your concerns, I know I did. Remember to, he may have been cheated on himself, and may have his own guards up! You never know until you talk, it is a great thing...
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I can see where you're coming from here, i used to feel like that about all those things too. Nuts and Zoo mags even!But things like clubbing i wouldnt expect my partner to be happy about but thats just how i am. Its normal for couples to set their own bounderies.What age is your guy? Does he really want to be going to nightclubs?The fact you hav been cheated on before, and twice is awful. Ive only been lied to before, not cheated on but will find it very hard to trust someone because i had a feeling he was lying and he always denied it. Till after we split. So you tend to think if someone can look you in the eye and lie, what hope is there for the future?But just because its happened before it doesnt mean it will do again. He might be a completely genuine trustworthy guy. And have very good morals and never cheat.Cant you compromise about the clubs thing and say about him maybe going to pubs. Thats what ive done in the past because we werent comfortable with either of us going clubbing on our own, and wif we went to clubs we went together.Just an idea.C xxxxx
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