A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a situation that I'm not sure about. I have a girl best friend of eight years. This past year I started to develop feelings for her. I waited until she was single to tell her how I felt. Before I told her she would give me mixed signals, and it was like we already were in a relationship so I just assumed it was best to say my feelings. I couldn't eat, sleep, think, and felt horrible for months after I realized I loved her. The day I was going to tell her she told me she was having sex with a douche bag she only knew for a few weeks. She wouldn't shut the hell up about him. I had to hear her obsess over this guy for a few days and I had these feelings so bottled up. It was like living in hell. I finally told her how I felt and it's like I'm the bad guy. I'm not a machine, I'm human and for once in my life I did something for me. She stopped having contact with me and I feel used. Did I do wrong? Should I have just walked away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it's been awhile and a lot has happened. While I can't type everything that has been going on I finally realized where these feelings for her came from. I thought she had changed as a person (we had stopped talking for a couple of years because she was too wild but she messaged me and we reconnected years later) I realize as soon as she became single again she hadn't changed. I fell for the her I thought changed and matured but she is the same immature person. She told me she was using this guy then changed it and lied, saying she liked him and said she never said that. After that she said she was just using him again. She is just an immature person who thinks she has control of a situation but then lets it get out of control. After I realized this I stopped liking her and realized she treated me like dirt as a friend. Examples include; Her telling me we message each other everyday so there is no use in seeing each other socially, only coming to me when she had problems. Other examples include on my birthday she messaged me what I was doing and I said nothing really and instead of wanting to meet up she started talking about this douchebag and complaining. I said my peace to her and am moving on with my life. No need for immature negativity in my life. Everyone's message was spot on and I do need to move on. Thanks everyone!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2015): You're not a machine, but how often do you read posts about trying to transition platonic-friendships into romantic connections on DC?
Without taking a scientific survey, you can guess the vast majority of such situations end very badly.
When people claim they receive "mixed-signals;" most of the time they are over-reading the signals, or it's wishful-thinking. They are infatuated and obsessing over finding clues if their friend feels the same as they do. Unlike TV, movies, and romance novels, unrequited-love most often remains that way.
In most situations, it's the convenience of being in close-proximity; and avoidance of the challenge of meeting unfamiliar people to make romantic-connections. Or, if there have been a series of unsuccessful attempts. Nobody likes rejection; and you already have one foot in the door with a friend. It means you didn't search far enough from the home-front to seek available prospects. You were counting on the bird in the hand. Like many do. You have to go through the process of elimination; and weeding through available prospects like she's been doing. It takes trial and error, and some flops to get better at it.
Well, in her eyes you are messing-up the friendship. You're also being judgmental and inappropriately jealous. Who do you think you are to make such a comment that "she wouldn't shut-up about it."
Your feelings are your problem! Blurting them out in anger and or frustration didn't score you any points. It made you look foolish. Chances are, she has noticed your amorous behavior; but chose to look the other way, in order to maintain the friendship. That's wrong and really leading someone on; if you see things getting too sticky between you.
It's not unusual for girls to be flirty with a close male friend; when she sees a guy looking at her with puppy-dog eyes. She may have a lull in her self-esteem at the time. It's only being playful, or teasing. Sometimes they unwittingly go too far, because the attention gets addictive. They do get spoiled with it. The devotion fills an empty spot; so you have to be careful of being an opportunist, when they are vulnerable. Not to say you are, just saying as a matter of fact.
Hindsight is 20/20! Yes, you should have walked away and kept the feelings to yourself. If she is actively dating other guys, that is more than enough proof she isn't romantically interested in you. She's purposely being tough on you to make you snap out of it. If you've been rude, because you were angry about the guy she's seeing; you ARE the bad guy. Who she's seeing is really none of your business. You're supposed to be a friend; therefore, observing those boundaries.
Take some time away to lick your wounds and sort things out. Don't force yourself to take friendship when it's not what you really want, and it isn't enough. You have to be protective of your heart. If you don't, you will carry the bitterness and resentment around with you. It will hurt new relationships that you deserve. Those that are more suitable for you. You simply need to find a girl who can reciprocate the kind of feelings you have for her. That's the reality of it all. Time to outgrow the crush, and man-up. It may take a while to find what you want. But you can't go fishing in a barrel; because it's harder to catch them in a stream. The stream offers you many more options!
There's no challenge in someone cornered.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I don't think it makes you a bad guy at all, however... IF it had been me... and someone I was friends with and had fallen in love with, went on an one with garrulous enthusiasm about someone who was (in my eyes at least) a piece of crap person... I would presume that HER taste ran in... that direction and not mine, and I would have kept my feelings to myself.
Someone doesn't date a "douche" when they have a great guy RIGHT there, unless... they are not romantically attracted to the great guy.
Maybe her cutting contact isn't a bad thing, now you can move on knowing that... The girl has awful taste in guys... and now you know.
Want more for yourself.
Should you have walked away? Well, you could have.. but here is the deal, YOU didn't. So the whole should have, would have, could have - you got going on in your mind is pointless and a waste of your time. Let it go.
Accept that she didn't LIKE you as much as you liked her. It happens.
She cut you off because she didn't want you to think she was stringing you along. Which, incidentally SHE wasn't. She presumed you were her platonic friend, not a guy waiting to express his feeling at the "right" time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2015):
 IN my opinion you did the right thing.
You told her how you felt. How very brave of you. Good Job.
Sadly, she did the right thing too sort of. She has stopped contact but did not tell you why she stopped it.
IF you feel like you want more and she knows she can't give you more than she did the right thing by ending the friendship but she should have told you why.
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (17 August 2015):
This is complicated I'm not going to slate you for opening up about your feelings. You did right but saying; why live a lie. Now on the other hand she certainly doesn't have these types of feelings and she may think that you used the word friendship to kinda lull her in .. that you user her .. my advice is write a nice note if you have her address nothing long. Just say your sorry that it came as a shock to her but it's been a shock to you too as before you only saw her as a friend . It was as you got to know her more and see sides that others didn't. That your feelings changed to deeper . You understand that she may not have these feelings and that's fine . And it may have also meant the end of your friendship but you meant every word and whomever does get her will be one lucky man .Then wish her well tell her if she does want to meet and chat you be there if not you truly understand.Hope this helps .. chin up
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