A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months, and we live together.This morning when I woke up, I complained of a headache. He said 'Oh, poor Becky-wecky'. Becky is not my name. It's the name of his ex-girlfriend. They dated for five years, but broke it off three years ago.At the start of our relationship, Becky was very practically and emotionally dependent on him. He tried to hide the extent to which he was always going over to her house and doing things for her. He was even late for dates because he was taking her to Ikea. I gradually found out what was going on, and dragged it all out in the open. We talked about it. His ex was in a bad way at the time, and we agreed that rather than abandon her, which would have been cruel, I should become part of the support strategy. I have sat with her while she cried for an entire day about the breakup of a new relationship, I've spent hours on the phone when she's been upset, I've done her housework, fed her, got rid of rubbish for her, and generally helped out in many ways. It has been very, very weird at times, but I have been patient and now I actually feel like Becky is a friend and I love her for who she is. Last Christmas, I found out by accident that my boyfriend and Becky still had a joint bank account. I am not usually an emotional person, but I cried and cried. My boyfriend's response was to tell me he was having doubts about the relationship. Though these have gone away since, I feel anxious and insecure a lot. Last Sunday, 18 months after the relationship started, we finally moved the last of Becky's things out of our house and into a new place that we've helped her to move into. My boyfriend has closed the bank account. For the first time, I felt secure in the relationship, as if he was committed to some kind of future together. I even, foolishly, let myself start to dream about a possible future - about getting married one day, and growing old together, about feeling confident and secure of someone's feelings for me for the first time ever. I had two days where I actually felt confident, and then he called me his ex's name this morning. I consider myself a calm person with reasonable self-esteem. I don't flip out or yell, though sometimes I cry when I'm upset. I love my boyfriend more than life itself, and he says that he doesn't have doubts any more and loves me too. But because of everything that has happened, I feel insecure and anxious all the time. Part of me feels a fool for letting myself dream about marriage, because it's the kind of thing that happens to other people, not to me. I don't know what to do. Should I see a doctor and get meds to help me feel better?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Why do you feel you need medication? Your partner and his 'ex' are driving you bonkers. So deal with them and you will feel better. It was very subtle of your partner to call into question his relationship with you, because you made a fuss when you found out they still had a joint bank account. I think they are a couple of manipulators that havent gotten over each other yet. And you are caught in the middle. They saw you coming a mile off and have used you to their own ends because you put up with things most women would not tolerate. And trust me, his 'ex' is no friend to you. Shes using your partner for her own ends, creaming up to you for some bonus support and its all making you feel ill. Thats not a friendship. Its a very unhealthy triangle and until your partner removes her from your lives, you will continue to feel insecure. Who wouldnt!When he called you by her name it was because she was upper most in his thoughts at that moment in time. Talk to him and tell him you are both leaving her to sink or swim now and getting on with your own lives. If not, she will always come between you and cause problems. If he refuses to keep away from her, then its best you reconsider being with him, because he wont make you happy x
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