A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know it seems like here and else where there is the thing that if you look at someones email its almost as bad as killing someone but I have never seen it like this. Sometimes there are circumstances which make it almost so pressured to find out the truth. But I still feel low and am hesitant which is why I am asking you guys for help.This girl I have been seeing for 8 months I feel is a fraud. I've been giving her a lot of money since we have been seeing each other and I wonder if she is seeing me just for money. I am not rich but not poor either. Also it seems like she makes up stories why she is busy and cannot see me. She contradicts herself too. And when we are out she gets these calls frequently and doesnt pick up and seems embarrassed. Like when she is busy sometimes she says it is because she is sick. Then when I ask her if she is better, she said What do you mean? and then she goes back and says Oh yes, much better thank you for asking.Anyway to cut a long story short I once accused her of cheating and she said you can check my email. She gave me the password. I checked and it was boring stuff, nothing personal. The thing is though she has two other accounts which she sometimes wrote me from. I know I can get access to these accounts by having the password reset option sent to the email she gave me.I think I would then know the truth.Should I do it? Or should I remain in a relationship in which I am getting increasingly jealous insecure and untrusting??Thanks
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insecure, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 March 2012):
So you think that reading someone’s personal email is ok. Nice. What else do you think is ok? Is reading her diary ok? Is opening her snail mail ok?
IF you are seeing a woman you feel is a fraud, why are you seeing her?
You give her money… that’s your choice… stop giving her money and see if she disappears… If she does it was about the money. Easy to say I know but your fear that she will POOF when the money is gone is a rational fear. IT means YOU meant nothing to her…. That hurts your heart and wounds your soul. I get that. But fear is a bigger crippler than pain in the long run. Fear lingers and grows… Pain is swift and then fades…
Personally I think you should NOT check her email and you should end the relationship now. IF you don’t trust her you don’t’ trust her. (and your points about why you don’t trust her seem valid). Do you need validation that your judgment is correct?
A
female
reader, bluebelleyes +, writes (6 March 2012):
Even if you don't find anything in the emails, it looks like she's been lying to you 'casually' anyway. If she's untrustworthy, she's not worth it. If you don't snoop through her emails you can keep your integrity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Have you checked that you can still use the password she gave you? She might have changed it since you looked at her account. And if you do check her other email accounts, remember she wont be able to access them any more because you will have changed her passwords, so she will probably guess it was you. Best be absolutely sure checking is the right thing to do, because if you are wrong, she wont be very happy when she finds out you were snooping. Personally if I were that untrusting of someone, I would just call it a day.
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A
female
reader, kary +, writes (6 March 2012):
In my opinion u should just get rid off her.I've been in a situation like this many times w/ relationships & friendships & even though i addressed the issue things dnt change or someone always gets offended so its never the same.seems like ure just getting ure hopes up with this girl plus ure loosing money.trust me once u have that person spoiled & u stop it won't b the same anymore then ull just feel guilty & cash out anyways.if u hack into her emails she'll know & u will end up looking dumb.IF u really love his girl just talk to her about it BECAUSE ONE WHO LOOKS WILL FIND.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Do you love her? Do you FEEL Loved by her? Does the relationship meet the needs and desires you wish to get from a relationship? Does she give you enough of her time and thoughts and energy? Does she make you feel loved? If you can say YES to all of these, then DO NOT DO IT. I think even if you find nothing, you will still not be satisfied because your gut feeling is telling you there is something to find. You will keep snooping till you find something. SO: If you said yes to the questions above, then STOP, let it go, enjoy the relationship that you have. If you can not say YES to the questions above, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you. Talk about those issues and see if they can be satisfied. If not, you don't need any more reasons to end it anyway. My thought is, that you will most likely find what you think you will find. But if you do or you don't there are other issues that are making this relationship not work anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Here's the thing.
Even if she wasn't cheating, the relationship isn't going to change.
You need to find a way to address the real problems. Not just erase fears.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You have to confront her based on the evidence you have, you can't just accuse her of cheating.
You confront her about the things she is doing to you personally, not what you think she might be doing. Talk to her about how she gets calls from other people often, how she skips out of hanging out with you, how she seems to borrow a lot of money from you.
She gave you access to one email account, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to check her other emails. Nothing good will come of it. If she's hiding something, you have already accused her of cheating, so she's going to be covering her tracks if she is.
Honestly though, just go with what your gut is telling you. If you feel like something is "off," then you're probably right. It's hard being in a relationship when you can't trust the other person. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Honestly, i think you should! If you find out that she's been lying/cheating, then you can dump her and get on with your life.
However, if you find an inbox full of boring stuff, you can be safe in the knowledge that nothing is going on. Then you can come clean and explain your reasons for snooping and hope to god that she forgives you!!!
I hope you find some answers :)
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Sounds like you are looking for validation. Why not just break up with her, if she wants to know why tell her its because you feel uncomfortable with the fact she often contradicts herself and the unease she displays when she receives phone calls in your company.
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