A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy on this website for making penpals an we hit it off big time.We have been exchanging e-mail for about a month now. I love reading his mails. They bring a smile to my face, and make my day seem a bit more full of sunshine.A week ago, he sent me his pictures. (I thought he's really cute) and i sent him mine. After this he said he was thinking about not writing to me because he was scared that he might fall for me and that he'd dated someone else before online and it had not worked out as she was a Muslim.Well i think i am have a huge crush on him but i am terrified of getting hurt again. Lets see the facts...we both stay on different continents. I'm presently staying in India and he's in New Zealand...he's still studying, i'm working (though we are both 25)...plus i don't know, i have never met him!)What i want to know is...should i allow myself to fall for him? I think another bad romantic experience would kill me. He's a great guy...no doubts about that but the distance is just too great. I know he likes me, but i am scared to do anything beyond being friends. My first relationship was also a long distance one and the distance was one of the main factors that ruined it!Should i stop talking to him...how do i control my feelings for him. (i sound so stupid right now!)Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I am a big believer in a lot of things including that Long Distance Relationships can flourish and survive. HOWEVER there are a lot of issues with your that concern me.
1. You have not met face to face. I think that basing your hopes and dreams on someone who is not yet truly “real” to you is a mistake. Yes you can have a crush… yes you can dream of meeting him but to plan more than that is a mistake. By all means if you have a way to meet and be safe, make it so.
2. You are very long distance. So realistically how often would you be able to see each other. While LDRs can survive, not having regular contact is NOT a good thing. Sure, in the short term (3 months or less IMO) you can go without contact but after that you need to have regularly scheduled visits. The posts that go “I’ve been in an LDR for 6 years and we see each other every 2 years what can I do?” are heartbreaking. People in those relationships are grasping at straws. If you can’t manage at MINIMUM to see each other every 3 months or more often, then I would consider not escalating it past friendship as how can you sustain a relationship when you are not able to be together? Sometimes I think folks enter into LDRs as a safe way to say they are in a relationship but in reality they are too afraid of real life to have a relationship and having a boyfriend or girlfriend ONLINE is safe.
3. If you were to have this romantic relationship what would the goal be? Would ONE of you move? Would both of you move? Where would you move?
4. Have you talked on the phone or on skype with visual? Are you sure that picture is him? He could be a 60 year old fat guy in his underwear….until you actually meet him everything is subject to wonder….
YOU can’t control your feelings but you also do not have to act on how you feel.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I don't agree that all long-distance relationships are bound to fail. My boyfriend and I live on different continents. We met on Facebook and fell in love. It all began with emails and we graduated to phonecalls. We'd talk for an hour on the phone every single day (an expensive way of dating, I must admit) and send text messages all the time. Finally, we met and things turned out just fine. We're going strong and intend to marry soon. So there's need to expect a relationship to fail simply because it's long distance. It all depends on the level of commitment and sincerity the couple have. I hate sounding so cliched but love conquers all, it really does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I have been in this situation, and currently am in this situation. I met a wonderful man online a few years ago, and developed a huge crush on him. I was thinking the same you are now and stopped talking to him, lost all contact. I regretted that so much for years. We finally got in contact 2 years ago now, and after talking for months, we admitted to each other that we liked each other, and in fact had kept letters and stuff we had sent to each other. We have met already and it's even better in person, I am going to visit him in September and he is going to start the process of trying to move here to be with me. Sometimes long distance doesn't work out, sometimes it does. Just be smart about it, do a google search of this man's name and see what comes up for him, to make sure he isn't playing games with you and isn't telling lies (which does happen via the internet sometimes). It doesn't work out the way it has for me for all people, but it does work out sometimes, just like dating in real life doesn't always work out, but I don't hear people saying they don't work out so don't try. Do what is best for you, but be smart about it, talk to him on the phone once in a while, check out his online goings on (google him) that can tell you a lot, and take it easy, don't expect to talk every single day as realistically it can't always happen. Just be careful, and try not to get carried away. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): The truth is that's an illusion, because you can't actually clearly identify your real feelings as you can when you are really close to someone, you can hug that person, kiss, see the real love in the eyes, etc. That's just the thrill for having the relationship with someone who seems exotic to you, who lives far in some cool country, but the truth is that although many people do involved in that type of relationship, most of them, if not all of them are actually living a normal life and they have a real partners and affairs or they are looking for them. Only the lonely people, who don't go out much or don't have many friend are easily completely emotionally involved in this type of relationships. As you already had a long distance relationship that ended, I would strongly advice you not to go into the other. For a real long distance relationship, people need to be emotionally mature, to plan how that will works and how to see each other before they got married or move one to another, to actually know each other in real before they start to work out on their relationship.I believe you just love the trill of an internet hooking so you would rather chat and exchange emails with a guys then actually go outside and find a real one. Maybe you should try to go out more, and flirt with a real guys, so girl my advice is to go out and forget those internet fantasy thrills you are caught with, and actually live some fantasy in real. All best!
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Online chemistry is different than real face-to-face chemistry. You're an experiencing a huge crush right now, I would find it hard to believe that someone is "falling for someone" they have never met before.
Realistically, this isn't going to work out. You live in different countries, and long distance relationships statistically speaking, do not work out.
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