A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for 8 months and I was truly in love with this man. Problem was that he would always say he loved me more and I never really felt he trusted my love for him due to some kind of insecurity...he said I was out of his league and such. Anyhow, I never felt that way and I was extremely in love with him. Problem was that this issue stemmed into huge fights with other things and he became very demanding and would corner me which made me feel like I needed to push him away so I could breath when maybe I should have consoled him instead. I didn't feel he trusted my feelings and that was a deep concern for me. He wouldn't allow me the space so I told him I thought it was best if we moved on and tried to better ourselves and maybe we could reunite in the future if it was right for us. Well, 3 months went by with him asking me to get back together. Finally, in my mind, I thought I am so in love with him and I would love to see if we could rediscover one another and make positive changes together. Maybe if I just shower him with over the top affection and love to prove myself things will work. He was very flirtatious and asked me out to lunch. It took me a week before I was able to commit to a date due to a new job. I called to make the date and he told me that it was too late. He wasn't going to tell me this but he had been dating another girl for 3 weeks and the only reason he wanted to have lunch a week ago was to ask me now or never do i want to be back with him or else (he wasn't going to tell me this) he was going to move into this new relationship. I felt angry that he was jumping so quickly. I have felt so hurt and lost. He said he tried so long to get me back and me saying no made him wither away. Plus he would be afraid that I would leave him again. But a few weeks before he was claiming I was his soulmate. Anyhow, I felt lost, confused, angry and heartbroken all at the same time. He says I broke him with needing time and space to figure things out. I feel like I may have lost something and I feel so guilty. I feel like I want him back and now he has moved on and I am stuck in this grieving that I can't get out of. He wants to be friends and talk and see me but when I talk to him I feel I want him more and it is very painful. I just don't know what to do. Some of my friends say to fight to get him back and others say that he is manipulating me and that he should have trusted my love for him(which was def present but I closed up to lack of trust and being pushed)...move on. I am not sure what would be the best thing to do. I am so tired of crying and hurting. I can't move on in my head. Any constructive advise would be deeply appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the helpful advise. You are right. It was not a healthy relationship and I don't really think he has changed much considering that I talked to him and he finally admitted that he was insecure and pushed me away. When, this whole time, he blamed the entire break up on me. I think I fell into his manipulations and a puddle of guilt instead of seeing everything for what it was. I have been thinking a lot and I realize that it is time to really do some soul searching and find inner peace for myself and what it is that I want and what makes ME happy. You can't ever change people you can only make changes for yourself. I always knew that but I just wasn't taking my own good advise ;)
Anyhow, thank you again. :)
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Ok... breathe! Really... breathe...
Somehow, by what you say about him chasing after you for three months, it seems you were ready to move on. This "time to sort things out" might have actually been a clean breakup for you. You need to analyze what happened after that. Maybe you feel lonely or you feel like something that was yours (his heart) has been stolen from you. Maybe something you felt like it was "secure" (his obsession) is not there now and you want it back like a kid with a candy.
Truth is when you talk about the relationship you had with him it doesn't seem like a healthy one... it seems rather dysfunctional. If he has his issues in terms of self esteem and whether or not he was "enough" for you, that are some deep scars that need to be healed and you should feel fortunate that you decided -because it was your decision- to move on. Unless he gets to be obsessed with a lot of his mates, my guess is he will come back to you. Either asking you to be his lover in this other relationship he has or by breaking up with her and coming back to you. But, to me, this wouldn't be the problem here... do you really want that relationship back? do you think he has changed? you do know people do not change over night?
I think you should write down the pros and cons of the relationship you had and based on that, do YOU want him back regardless of what he wants. Do not sugar coat your issues, be truthful to yourself... if you want what you had before, go back and fight for him. If what you want is what you had with some "minor" changes, be aware that you want something else that someone else can give you. Knowing that will help you trough a natural grieving process. Breaking up is hard but spending a lot of time in a relationship that was apparently going nowhere is worse!
Best of lucks!
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