A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I had been in an unstable relationship with my ex for 2 1/2 years. He cheated and lied to me god knows how many times and for whatever reasons when he promised to be a better man i always took him back. The final straw was when he turned up to my house with a love bite on his neck i kicked him out and within in a week i felt amazing and finally free. 1 week after that i found out i was pregnant! I was at a complete loss as to what i should do. He said he wanted to be there for me and i thought the best thing to do would be to maybe go for some counseling with him to try and work through the issues in the relationship. Before it even got to that stage he said he didn't want to be with me anymore because i moan too much and me asking him to be a little more caring around a sensitive time in my life was too much for him and he hadn't been brought up to be like that. So he left me and said he would financially support me which i didn't needed anyway i can financially support myself all i wanted was emotional support. I started bleeding last Friday which turned out to be the start of miscarriage. I called him whilst at the hospital and hold him what was happening (i didnt know i was actually having a miscarriage at this point) and said i need to go back tomorrow for a scan etc he agreed to come with me but that night when he came round he was cold and distant didn't even ask me if i was ok so we had an argument and he left. That next morning the heavy bleeding and cramping started and later the scan confirmed that i was in fact having a miscarriage which has completely broken my heart. I hadn't heard from him until yesterday and he called and said he needs to know if i am keeping the baby or not and if i am i can never stop him from seeing his child etc etc So i told him i had a miscarriage and he was just quiet and then said sorry and that he has to go now. Not are you ok how are you feeling nothing!!! I am having to deal with the loss of my child plus him on top and it hurts so much! This was my baby and i would have done it with or without him. I dont even know what to feel anymore. I had taken him back after so much overlooked my better judgement and still tried to make things work with him just for him to leave me when i needed him the most I know that the relationship was never going to work and i am better off without him be i feel completely abandoned in this. This was a life we had created together so it seems so unfair that i have deal with this all on my own. The sad thing is at the moment he is the only person who can make me feel better. I feel so hurt and alone, i have family and friends supporting me but this is just killing me inside so much. Any advice please? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): "The sad thing is at the moment he is the only person who can make me feel better."
No he's not, he's not anything of the sort, OP. His reaction is very clear about that.
With all due respect, OP, you have no idea how this is affecting him, he too could be crushed and no doubt is reeling from the break up. Please don't take this the wrong way or think I mean to lessen the impact this has had on you but you're so focused on how you feel you don't know at all how he feels about it nor do you actually seem to care.
OP my sincere condolences and I hope you can move past this event soon but you need some perspective here. This is not all about you, he too has to adjust to this new reality and deal with the failure of this relationship. You're really not seeing this for what it is now and that he's your ex. As your ex he owes you absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
He has his own pain to deal with and he's chosen not to deal with it with you. Doesn't make him a bad guy it makes him your ex, I know you didn't imply he is in any way either so you know what I'm saying.
I wouldn't come running either, I wouldn't allow it become a reason I stay emotionally connected to an ex. There is simply no way in hell I would allow anything, no matter how bad become let me get sucked into being a shoulder to cry on for an ex. I've allowed it happen before and it's a cruel trap for both people. Apart from basic empathy for another human, I don't care what happens them, it's how I move on and it's time you started to think the same way, OP.
It's not disrespect, it's not about getting his sympathy, he too has to deal with losing a potential child and long term partner. You have to respect how he chooses to deal with this and understand he's completely within his rights to deal with this without you.
You have your family and friends, and perhaps you should even find grievance counselling, this is two huge losses to suffer in one go..
It'll get easier, keep your family and friends close, and just allow yourself to grieve.
It's times like these we find some real perspective about what's important in life.
My closest friend in the world for nearly 20 years died a couple of months ago suddenly. I've never known pain like it before but I've come to see the others in my life that are just as good, just as close and who I can always rely on in a new light.
You see, OP, it's not about the people you've lost, it's about making your time with the people left even better and filled with even more joy.
You'll overcome this, OP, but you have to let him go. If you can't then healing from all this will be a nightmare.
Be good to yourself, OP.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your kind words :) I have been considering seeing a therapist. Thank you x
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A
female
reader, HopelessromanticXO  +, writes (27 June 2014):
First off let me just begin by offering you my biggest sympathies. You seem like a really strong person and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I don't know if I can really offer you advice other than simply reminding you that in situations like these time is really the only thing that will heal. Although the circumstances are awful I must say that you are so much better off without this guy who seems to not only have no compassion but no respect for you. You are worthy of so much more--you deserve to beloved and cherished, not abandoned and neglected. Surround yourself with a strong support system and take it easy. If you have the resources and finances I strongly suggest talking to a therapist. Talking out your problems with a professional can be extremely helpful. I wish you love and inner peace.
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