A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.I really need help - seriously.Okay.My bf and i have been together for a year and a half. Things were very passionate in the beginning of our relationship, but then we went through some difficult times. We worked through our difficult times, and moved in together about 6 months ago...Things were cool for about a month, but i became more and more unhappy just in general with things he did / or didn't do (i.e. chores). I went to sleep in another room for about a month, and when things started looking better, i moved back into a room with him.Now, i have a problem. I haven't been in the mood for sex lately. This has been going on for about 4 months. We've had sex during this time, at least once a week, and when we have it, it is GREAT, but to get myself to that point, i've really had to tune in my mind.I've gone to the doctor as well regarding my problem, but to no avail. At first i thought that the problem was with me. But now, last night, i had a new revelation. While we were preparing for bed - and started having sex, i realized that i was not attracted to him. Not in the least. It was as though i was having sex with him just to please him, and that i didn't really WANT to.He noticed something was wrong this morning, but i could obviously not tell him what was bothering me.It is as though all our troubles have made me fall OUT of love with him. I still love him, VERY MUCH, but there is NO passion from my side. We are going away next week, and i know both of us really need this break, but my question is, HOW can i fall back in LOVE with him? I'm really desperate.Will i be able to fall back in love with him, or is this the end of the road? (I really don't want it to be the end)Help - any views, suggestions or comments. PLEASE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello guys and girls.
Just thought i'd pop in and give you a quick update.
Things have been going great.
I'm still not 100% sure of who's to blame for our problems, but the therapy is going really really well. (going on 4 months now).
I still love my partner, and i really want to be with him.
I just WANT him to consider me more often.
Anyhoo. Hope all of you have an awesome day.
A
female
reader, sarah louise@ marie  +, writes (17 December 2007):
hi sweetie i can relate to you luv i had those problems and thoughts and i still do from time to time i think that you should go on this holiday to at least see if you can rebuild your passion if you cant then seriously sweet heart you have to call it a day its not fair on either of you keep us posted on how u r doing cos theres no point in having sex with him to keep him happy cos u need to b toxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everybody..
Well - my situation has drastically improved.
I've been seeing a counselor for the past four weeks- once a week. A bunch of stuff has surfaced for me - including some sexual abuse i forgot about. I always knew that i was sexually abused as a child - but could only remember about 3 of the 5 times it happened. The counselor feels that there is something MORE traumatic i'm suppressing, but we'll get through that.
Things between my me and my boyfriend have also improved quite a bit. I've been in the 'mood' more since sharing these forgotten experiences with him. Our holiday was also great, and we grew a lot closer as a couple (in seeing the way we both do things everyday)
Thank you once again for all your help.
Hope you all have a blessed Christmas - and a prosperous 2008.
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A
female
reader, ophelia  +, writes (22 November 2007):
So the physical attraction is not there....I have had the same problem- my partners attempts at what he called 'seducing me' amounted to little more than him pushing up against me in bed. I have often just 'knuckled down' till he gets his, and feigned orgasms, I suspect you may have done the same. This is unfulfilling and it made me feel bad as a person. The truth is, this is not YOUR problem- you are completely normal, and this is something that can only be worked out as a couple....and your previous bad relationships may very well have damaged your opinions of sex, especially if your current partner is not turning you on. You obviously want to try to make it work, so please do, while you want to. But keep in mind that if you have explained to him how you like to be satisfied in bed, and if he is still not hitting the right buttons, he may not be the right one for you. It would be unfortunate to become resentful at him just because he may not be the right one for you. I would carefully consider what your reasons are for being in this relationship, and if it is convenience, and it is working for you that's okay, too! Don't feel like there is something wrong with you.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there
Thank you for the advice so far.
Stem - to answer you - no, this is not my first serious relationship. I've been in 5 other really serious relationships, and they all turned out to be horribly hurtful - except the last guy.
Yes - the love is still there - and that is why i'm not willing to give up this easily. I also think the holiday might do us some good, and i do believe i can fall back in love with him.
Since i posted this original question, i have spoken to my bf, and told him how i feel.
His reaction astounded me. He was very calm and collected.
I then told him that i'll be seeking professional advice, because the last thing i want to do - is walk out of this relationship - right into the next one, and find out that the problem is actually with me.
I'll be phoning around tomorrow - firstly to see if my medical aid will assist in payment for psychological treatment, and secondly, to find somebody professional to help me deal with my problem. I KNOW it is my problem.
I think the tough times we've been through, might have caused the way i feel now. My bf explained to me that he understands, because from day one, i was on a high, but on a downwards slope, and it steadily decreased, because of him being on a low, but on an upward hill but he steadily increased...
I knew from day one he was the ONE - but he wasn't so sure, and i believe that his insecurities in the beginning is possibly a cause to my insecurities NOW. Thing is, he is on top of the hill, and i need to turn back, and walk back up the hill.
I told my bf that he now has a decision to make - either he could stay and support me through counseling, or he could move on with his life - because i would understand...
He told me, he'd support me through this.
Well - i guess now it is a case of me having to put words to action - so wish me good luck
I will remember to keep you all updated.
Thank you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): arr! sorry to here that you are feeling this way. The love is still there so I think you CAN fall back in love with your partner but you may need more time apart. Ask yourself what drew you towards him in the first place? Why did you move in together? were you both ready for this huge step? Is this your first long term relationship? If it is then that may be why you are probally feeling as though you are no longer attracted. let me explainmy theory.. In the beginning the passion is raw and you are excited by what you dont know about the other person and then when you get to know that person the love may become familar and comfortable. Almost like that person becomes a family member(to a certain extent they do). This is when the building on the relationship kicks in. I think you should be honest with your partner. You need to give him an explanation on why you dont feel like making love, tell him what you want and expect from him and vice versa. Maybe he needs to make more of an effort, maybe you need more time spent on foreplay. The holiday sounds like a positive thing as the scene will be diffetent. good luck babes.. if this is meant to be you will not fall at the first hurdle,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): i am going through a very similar situation so i know how you feel. You need to put yourself in the right mindset. Think to yourself, as from now i am going to try my best with my partner, sit down with him, dont tell him that you think you have fallen out of love with him but tell him you would appreciate a little more help around the house and more affection, give it a couple of months and if this doesnt work tell him you need some space to get your head together, sometimes thats all you need to reignite the flame, you have been spending all your time together, you havent had a chance to miss him or think about him because he's always there.
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