A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really losing my mind here. Here is what's going on with me. I have a girlfriend for about 5 years now but our relationship is extremely dysfunctional and we are never intimate nor have I had sex with her in over a year. She has been pressuring me to get married and have kids for the last year or so, and I have told her that I am not ready and may not be ready for a very long time (at least 5 yrs). About 2 months ago, I started getting really close with an old friend. Shortly after, we started fooling around and I ended up sleeping with her. Yes, I am still with my girlfriend and I know this is wrong. And it's even more wrong because this good friend of mine that I am cheating on with my girlfriend is married. Since we started messing around, my friend filed for divorce and kicked her husband out.So now she is asking me to dump my girlfriend because she kicked her husband out and expects me to do respect that and at least reciprocate by kicking out my girlfriend. But while I have admittedly fell very deeply in love with my friend, I am not prepared to kick out my girlfriend. One reason is that my friend had slept with a very close friend of mine about 3 years ago and the fact that she did is driving me absolutely crazy. Yes, I know, I cheated on my gf. And yes, I know, she cheated on her husband (with me), so this whole sleeping with my friend 3 years ago (which, by the way, was when she was single and well before she got married) seems like small potatoes. But it's not. It's affecting me so much that it's making me fight with her constantly and it's ultimately pushing me away from her. It's causing significant depression and I cannot even do normal tasks at work anymore. What bothers me more is that she slept with my friend after only meeting him 2 hours prior and without a condom. I literally introduced them at a house and within 120 minutes she was having sex with him. And she slept with him several times after that without any condoms and she did everything disgusting you can think of. And she also lied to me about sleeping with him. I only found out because my guy friend told me about it despite her lying about it for weeks. We were only friends at the time but I was not at all happy about what she did. I told her and she stopped talking to him eventually but it didn't work out because my friend didn't want to be with her. This all happened a short 3 years ago, despite her saying it was so long in the past that it shouldn't matter anymore. I disagree. She also did like me before she slept with my friend but I wasn't really interested in her. She claimed that she gave up hope that I would ever want to be with her so she figured it's okay to sleep with and pursue a relationship with a close friend of mine. Another thing I should note is that just one week after she slept with my friend, she tried to sleep with me. But I did not let her. She told me that she did not sleep with my friend after she tried to sleep with me but I don't believe it. I think she still slept with my friend afterwards but it's been so long even if I asked my friend, he wouldn't be able to recall. 3 years later, we started to fool around. One last thing I should note is that my friendship with my old friend has been ruined, only because I refuse to hang out with him because I feel weird about what happened, despite him doing nothing wrong (I told him I wasn't interested in her before he slept with her). I am now deeply in love with my friend and am ready to leave my girlfriend (not just for her, but for myself). But I don't see how I can do this because of the fact that she slept with my good friend after just 2 hours of meeting him and then lying about it. I told her I don't trust her and don't think I ever can. The trust thing is a big problem - I simply don't trust her BECAUSE of what happened in the past. I should note that she is honest with me now. I know there are some that say the past is the past. And we were only friends at the time she had sex with my good friend so it shouldn't even matter. But this is still driving me crazy. So crazy that I don't think this will ever work. She always tells me how I don't love her or care about her because I can't let go of the past. For some reason I think it's the opposite. I love her so much that the past DOES bother me, to the point of insanity. What I don't understand is that her conversations with her friends have always been that I am an idiot for not letting go of the past. But I don't understand how they can't see how messed it was to sleep with my good friend after just a couple hours of knowing him and then lying about it. Am I the crazy one? Should I just let her go or pursue a relationship with her (and of course break up with my gf first). Thank you very much in advance for your feedback.
View related questions:
at work, condom, divorce, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Dude, you need some serious "no girlfriend, find myself, alone time."
You are having commitment issues and you should seriously get out of dodge before you hurt anymore women.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Wow, where to start - "I should note that she is honest with me now. "
That's a direct quote. However, I would argue that you have no way of knowing that, and your rightful mistrust of her is your own subconscious aknowledgement of that essential truth. Further, she has no way of trusting you either.
You both lied to and cheated on your significant others. You have lied to each other, and you have lied to yourselves.
There is no basis of good, honorable, honest behavior and history upon which trust can be built. Without this history of decency and honesty, there can be no trust.
Relationships are, essentially, a function of trust. Without it, any relationship is doomed.
You called a spade a spade in the beginning of your question, when you said that this was wrong. However, I would wager that you have little to no conception on how many levels, and how thoroughly and deeply both of you have been wrong. Wrong, as in more than just some religio-philisophical moral "right/wrong" way, but also wrong as in incorrect, ineffective, false, and doomed to failure.
This is exactly why almost every relationship between a cheater and the person they cheated with fails. Usually rather dramatically, and quite often when the cheater cheats on the new relationship with their origional significant other!
You claim that you love her. Franly, I say "bullshit". If this is what you mean by love, then you have no idea what the word really means. What you feel for her is a wholly unsavory concoction of attraction, lust, mistrust, loathing, self doubt, infatuation, genuine fondness for someone who used to be a friend (and ceased to be so when she started treating you like shit - more on that later) self loathing, and stubborn pride.
Mash all of those up, and you get a very emotional roller coaster mix of heaven and hell that you mistake for love.
Love is trust, respect, affection, patience, forgiveness, and the willingness to place the beloved's happiness above your own, not because you should, but because you want to. Lacking these elements, what you have is something inferior, and it cheapens the word to call such inferiorities love.
You have no respect for this woman, and she none for you. The essential nature of cheating is self defeating. You were in a long term relationship, she was married. Those relationships were essential parts of your self identities, as well as your outward identities. When someone shits all over the relationship, they are not only shitting on the identity of the couple, but necessarily, by extension, on each of the individuals that make up that couple. She was married, which means she took the time and effort to gather her friends and family before an official of the state or church, all for the purpose of witnessing her swear fidelity and loyalty to her husband. You took a big giant shit on that relationship when you stuck your pecker in her happy place, and so did she, when she let you. Such an act shows that you have no respect of any sort for her marriage, and thus, for the person she is, who made up half of that marriage. For that matter, neither does she.
The same is true of you. You were in a committed, long term relationship. You owed it to your girlfriend, AND TO YOURSELF to show YOURSELF the respect of working your relationship problems out, or ending the relationship honestly. Such a long term relationship is an integral part of your identity, and by showing it similar disprespect, both your new flame, and yourself, have shown that you have no respect whatsoever for who you are.
The best thing you can do for all involved, What I already know you aren't going to do (self loathing cowards like you never do) is end your current relationship, tell your current girlfriend why (both your problems with the relationship, and the cheating) and then go find your new flame's ex, and fess up to him too. If he becomes violent, then take it like a man, it's no more than you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, cemoi  +, writes (24 September 2009):
Seriously, guy, is it worth the drama? I get that you've fallen in love, most of us can't help it. BUt maybe you are so upset about the friend from 36 months ago because you are looking for a way not to get with the friend you cheated with.
I think that you want to get out of your current relationship (because of all the pressure, and no sex things) and that is why you cheated in the first place. i think that you are freaking out about your friend because it means that you are leaving one relationship and going into another, when actually you want to be alone for a while - for yourself, and maybe even to play the field a little.
I think you should make your own space. If you're going to leave your gf, leave. But don't go to be with the cheating girl. Go and live alone for a while. If things are still hot between you and the other woman, and you've calmed down about her sleeping with your buddy, then go for it.
In the mean time, stop sleeping with your friend, and stop obsessing about it all if you can. The guilt will only keep pulling you down. and you'll feel like you're letting yourself and the new girl down
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 September 2009):
 What you need to do is stop justifying your immature and selfish behavior.
YOU CANNOT FIND LOVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR LOVE OUTSIDE OF IT!
Sadly you need to be a man and come clean with your GF and accept the consequences. That is what is called being an adult. Or didn't you get that memo?
This low drama could have been avoided if you would have actually been a responsible adult
...............................
|
