A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:married 23 years, husband had an affair a few years ago, I cannot get over it, he never wants sex, I cannot initiate it, I am angry and lonely all the time.Each time I say it's over he uses all sorts of tricks to make me stay, money, children etc.I suffer depression, I have had counselling many times. I had to give up work, so now no money of my own, feel worthless, useless, unattractive and resentful. no wonder I make him angry, we have tried to start a new life but same problems here.help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies, The past few years have not been easy, I suffered depression about two years ago and gave up work because of it.
In that time my husband got posted overseas and I went with him, I have a home in England, but because I do not work and live overseas cannot get a job and cannot return home.
I sound pathetic, I am quite a strong person usually but the past has taken it's toll. My husband is not physically abusive but certainly mentally abusive. my Doctor in England called it mental abuse. I have been on medication for my depression but not at the moment.
I had a very good job back in England, but as I say I cannot work here due to work permits etc.
My son lives here with us and my daughter is back in England, so that also does not help, we are very close.
I know I should leave and should have left many years ago, I asked him to leave when he had the affair, he would not and I had two small children at the time and money was very tight, (no excuses, this was the case) I could have survived quite easily then if things had have been different.
I am stuck, our house in England is up for sale, may be when it is sold I can get out of this.
I have had numerous counsellors at home, not available here though.
When he had the affair we went to a counsellor together, her words to my husband were "You don't have a problem, but your wife does, I will need to work with her"
His answer to me was "See I told you it wasn't me".
She did so much damage on that day, and she classed herself a professional.
I have been totally faithful throughout the marriage, I get chatted up quite a bit when I go out as well, so when I can finally get out of this, I know I will be ok. Not that I want to fall into a relationship again, I want me time. I will take all of your advice and get myself out and about, I do tend to sit in a lot due to how I am
Thanks so much.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 February 2007):
 I really feel for you here, it sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
When you say its over he is throwing the guilt thing on you, as though it would be your fault if you walk out, when quite clearly it is his.
Your self esteem seems to be at an all time low at the moment, you are quite clearly not happy as things stand. You gave up work and say that none of the money is your own so why not get a part time job somewhere doing something you enjoy. Start an evening course, join a gym. All these things over time will give you a sense of self worth, make you fell more independent and raise your self esteem.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, iagirl  +, writes (23 February 2007):
 What worries me about your post is that you said your husband has "tricks" that make you stay. You also said "no wonder I make him angry." It sounds like this could hint at a possibly abusive situation. Very often women who are in abusive homes feel the same way you do and blame themselves for the situation. It doesn't even have to be physical abuse. If he's making you feel bad about yourself or scaring you into staying with him, that's abuse. Talk to a counselor right away and get this all sorted out. You need to figure out what's causing your depression and get treated for it. Only after your depression lifts can you begin to make the right choices for your life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 February 2007):
 I think you need to find a counselor with whom you can work. They may be able to prescribe meds for your depression along with the therapy. There is no magic wand to wave over yourself, you need to have some goals set and strive towards them. Your self esteem will improve so you can tackle some of the other things that are bugging you. Start exercising on a regular basis, get a new hair style, redecorate a room, but by all means stop sitting around making your self more miserable by feeling sorry for yourself.
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