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female
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anonymous
writes: I Love my Husband but am not In love with him.I have been with my husband for 18 years ( he was my first relationship), until recently i thought we had the perfect marriage 2 children , nice home etc. Then i met someone at work who i am very attracted to and it has made me question my life. I have always worked as i enjoy the social interaction with others (my husband finds it hard to socialise).We are two totally different people in so many ways. If ever we go on holiday i prefer other people to come along also otherwise it will be boring. We never argued until recently when i explained how i feel. I question wether i was with him because i felt safe. i feel that we have grown apart, i have developed as an individual and he has remained. Me and the children are his world and he has no other interests. I dont like destroying him like i seem to be at the moment but i cant see at the moment wether the relationship can continue. I dont want to plod on through life. I am definately having a mid life crisis. Do i stay or do i go?
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male
reader, Jwolf  +, writes (20 April 2012):
Hi. I might be able to answer your question from your husbands point of view. I think your post has helped me a little to see my wife's side. Your description of yur marriage sounds a lot like mine. No arguments, well not many. She too would always want to have vacations with friends out of fear it would be boring. I'm not sure why because we always had a good time together when we were alone before kids. She may not think I have grown much either but I have. My focus has always been on supporting my family because I was afraid that if I ever took my eye off the ball that I would lose them. Unfortunately through all of life's problems she fell out of love with me along the way. I have always adored her and she knows it. However, she has been withdrawn from me for quite some time now and I could never figure out what was wrong. I would ask her if we were ok and she would say "We're fine, don't worry". She always reassured me that we would be together forever. I never really got the affection I needed and in turn beecame slightly depressed, gained weight etc. It's hard to be a fun and exciting husband when your wife just isn't into it. If she would only have returned the love I had for her then I would have been happier and in turn perhaps more fun. I don't know what you intend to do here but please don't do what my wife has done to me. She had an ongoing affair with a man we both knew. She actually was having sex with me at the same time and even more so with me then before. I was thinking at first that finally she is starting to re-invest in our marriage. Silly me. She lied to me about so many things. When I started suspecting (a friend told me actually that many were suspecting) she accused me of having trust issues etc. I finally found undisputable proof at which time she told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She will be moving out at the end of next month to start her new life. She is leaving me a shattered and broken man. It is just starting to hit my children (boy 13 girl 11). My son told me on Monday that he doesn't want to be alive and my daughter just told me yesterday that she doesn't feel her life has a purpose anymore. I'm not trying to guilt-trip you here. This is my reality. Lots of marriages end. I know that. But please do your family and husband a huge favor. If you havn't already, don't cheat on him. If you have to end your marriage please take the morale high ground. The pain I am enduring is unbareable. If she wanted to leave me, that's one thing. This is terrible. And no, my kids don't know about the affair. That is their response after about two weeks since the announcement of the separation. I love my wife and wish her all the best.
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female
reader, Dezig  +, writes (1 January 2009):
Hi there,
this is a tricky situation.
You need to ask yourself, if it wasn't for the other person you talk to at work, would you feel different.
You may be going through a phase. Ask yourself is my husband a good partner and dad. Do you love him. If not why not. If you do, why do you.
Try and resovle the issues with your husband. You must earn the right to divorce or leave him. Work it out to the best you can. Then if all fails, decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Hi,I just read your post. I am going through the same thing your husband is after 25 years of marriage. My wife told me that things aren't the same as they used to be between us also telling me that we've grown apart. She has been seeing a therapist on a regular basis for about one year and refuses to include me in her sessions. It seems that whenever she concludes a therapy session she comes home mad for some reason and I have to walk on eggshells.I've spoken to my daughter about this and was told that her mother confided in her, telling her that the therapist is having marital problems. It seems that my wife is up to something. She tells me about how attractive her male co-workers find her because of drastic weight loss she has had.At this point I can only sit on the sidelines and wait for the outcome of this. It is difficult at times because it appears that she only concerned about herself and not our marriage or she would include me in the sessions. I have a feeling of queeziness about all of this. I've asked her outright if there is another man in her life and she breaks down crying telling me, "no you are the only man in my life".I've come to the conclusion that "it will all come out in the wash one day". Hopefully this will give you some insight as to a husbands perspective of this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Your concerns is what my wife would say in the same way. The problem is that you do not know anymore as to why you created your kids in your marriage. It is about your kids state of mind and not your feelings. This is a temporary infactuation and will not lead you to any happier relationship with your new lover bur will destroy the relationship with your kids and your husband. Take care from Russia.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I think the other Answers are a little harsh on you. What about you in all this and why you have found yourself attracted to another man. If you were happy in your marriage you would not even entertain looking at another, let alone facing thoughts of leaving. I would suggest asking yourself the question 'at what compromise could you stay if any?'. Would you have to sacrifice your own happiness to stay and work at saving the marriage. Would you be making compromises and never be thoroughly fulfilled in life. Life is a precious gift and it's not a rehearsal. You get one shot at it and if you are not true to yourself and truly happy....then no matter how painful, you should leave. Your husband also deserves you to be truthful and to part now before you end up cheating on him which is worse. Good luck, go find your happiness.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): You should read the "The case against divorce" by Diane Medved
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Divorce is not the only option but right now it will be the most damaging.
If you choose divorce at this point, you will destroy your family. Let's take off the rose-coloured glasses here - the pain of divorce will be fully felt by your children, then your husband, then eventually by you when you discover that what you thought you were missing paled in comparison to what you had but threw away.
I pity your children because while you are spending emotional energy on this fantasy they are being deprived of a loving and stable environment in which to thrive. You are entitled to a happier existence, but due to your currently selfish thought process you fail to see the costs to your family.
I am not saying that divorce is the wrong choice - in the end it could be. But you are jumping to that choice without considering other ones that could minimize or even prevent your children's suffering.
I hope you make a choice that will allow you to look yourself in the mirror every morning. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): Dr. Pete,I agree with you how she should have tried everything before making her final decision, however, I completely disagree with you on that "they think persuing their individual happiness and having their needs met will give them more long term happiness and satisfaction. They are wrong. People nowadays think life is about finding happiness..."what is wrong with pursuing happiness? It's our right! If you don't find happiness in your current life, something needs to be done, or you are living like a machine. You go about your everyday life because you are programmed to, not because you want to, because you don't know what else you could do.My parents have been married for 25 years. My mom completely despises my dad. yet she stays in her marriage. For what? Oh, she's got a house, a car, the security. Is she happy? nope. As i was growing up, was I happy? nope. My dad is mellow enough, so they dont fight very often. But you can sense the tension there. Happiness comes with in, if you can't find it from your current situation, think it through thoroughly, and make a decision. You must do something, or you will make it hard for everyone.Who knows, maybe he will find someone better for him to. The future isn't always grim, it can be bright. Kingdoms fell, and civilizations are built on the ashes of the old. Don't think negatively. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): You are so fortunately to have a husbands that stays at home with you and seems to truely love you. So many people take their wedding vows for granite. I think you should focus on your husband and your children rather than the man you are attracted to on your job. So many marriages end in the work place. You say you love your husband, but stated you are not in love with hime. Fall in love with him all over again. It is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Find out what made you attracted to your husband in the first place. Focus on what made you fall in love with you husband. This other man may be trying to destroy your marriage and move on the next married woman and destroy her marriage and on and on. Good luck!
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reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (16 November 2006):
 Part od the problem is you've only recently told him how you feel. So for nearly 18 years he thought everything was fine, so how do you expect him to change so fast, and without warning. Are you willing to try and fix it? If you are bored tell him when you are bored, let him know don't keep it pent up and then run off with someone else when you get fed up... I say this because if you act like that I guarentee this will happen with this new guy too. It might be one thing or another and eventually you will be back were you started only you're not with someone who has stuck by you and made you his world for 18 years. I say talk it out, go see a therapist if you feel it is nessecary, a mediator sometimes helps you both see clearly. Everyone has their share of issues, but it seems to me you have a good, honest, loving, caring guy who has been with you for 18 years, be thankful for that, some women get much worse, and everyone deserves to be happy so try to work things out with a therapist for at least another 6 months, and if after that there is no progress and nothing has changed consider moving on. but please do try, and let him know how you feel... don't let him think everything is ok and not give him a chance to fix it. Good luck hun
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): Why have you limited your options to stay or go?
It's because you've allowed yourself to meet someone else and pursue those feelings. First things first, you need to stop seeing this other person.
When a relationship has problems, they can always be tackled, but when one or both partners allow an interest in someone else to develop, the relationship becomes almost impossible to salvage because the attraction towards something "new" and towards someone who allows you to see a fresh, yet often wrong perspective on your life and who you are is much stronger than the determination and commitment to work towards someone you've already spent so much time with. You can see this pattern all the time. If people in couples tackle problems that develop BEFORE they end up being attracted to someone else, they are far more likely to resolve them.
People though; they ignore their concerns until it gets to the stage that they meet someone else - and by that time, it's usually too late.
I think your new found emotions and chemicals responses are ruling over your brain and common sense and you need to be very aware of this.
Surely there is an option of being able to keep your marriage but also for you both to make changes so that you are both happy still? 18 years is a long time to spend with someone, so of course you are going to have differences in how you now live your life. Of course you are different people than who you both were 18 years ago. That is no reason to now split up. At least not without first knowing you have done EVERYTHING you can. If the time comes when you divorce, you want to be sure that you could not have done anything differently. You and your husband deserve that.
People nowadays too easily walk away from the commitment of marriage, they think persuing their individual happiness and having their needs met will give them more long term happiness and satisfaction. They are wrong. People nowadays think life is about finding happiness, having the best house, newest car, most successful career, perfect relationship - but why are they this way now? Life is not just about happiness and people who seek these things through feeling they are lacking are the ones who end up very lonely and unhappy people. It is not about what you can take from life, the individual has way too many choices and has become lost in this rediculous obsession of pursuing happiness.
There are very, VERY few people who don't deeply regret having to go through a divorce, even when that marriage was abusive or wrong from day one. It can be an incredably emotionally painful experience because it is associated with utter failure.
I think you and your husband probably need to find a very good couple councellor and you need to be absolutely sure that your marriage is dead and can never adapt so you can stay together. To me, you mention things that can easily be fixed, and you would see this if you had not met someone else. Personally, I think you will end up regretting ending your marriage based on what you have written. Good luck with whatever you decide to do though.
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